I'm Alive!

I have heard Jackson say that this song, I'm Alive, is a fun song to sing, and an exhilarating statement to make.  From his prospective it is the proclamation from a person that something in their life, which they thought would destroy them, hasn't, and they are still here, feeling better, and once again learning the  joys of living life to it's fullest.

I want to go where I will never hear your name
I want to lose my sorrow and be free again
And I know I've been insane
When I think of places I could have been

I am fairly certain that many, many, many people have experiences far more traumatic than I which vastly change their life, and force them to look at life options differently, and change their direction, as well as make plans for a life that they hadn't seen in their future.  Sometimes it is like me, just accepting what was going to be the inevitable, and learning to live with a plan thrust upon me.  The biggest challenge for me, is to actually really believe that things are changing, that I am not going to be doing what I have done daily for the past 20 plus years, and the feeling that does to my feelings of self worth.  What I did daily created my perception of my self worth as a person.  It made me who I was, more than anything else in my life, my job defined me.  With out it, I have no definition, the question where do you work, and what do you do there, was my description of myself. 

Knowing this, explains the difficulty I am having with the transition, from workaholic and receiving the praise from working so hard, to me....who ever that is....I am loving what I am doing each day, the people I am spending my time with, and the joy I am experiencing.  I will eventually, I assume, not need to receive the outside praise for being a workaholic, and recover from the damage I did to myself, not being able to figure out why I was spiraling out of control this past year, and the feelings of failure and loss.  I believe that I someday will forgive myself, and that I will trust myself that I am doing a good job on a daily basis, and making a positive impact on the people that I spend my days enjoying.  They are certainly making a positive impact on me, and helping me, with out being aware, heal my raw emotional state, a little bit each day.

What I have discovered over the past few weeks, is that I can start over, I can accept these changes, and I can find joy in activities that I haven't participated in for a long time.  I find myself wondering if people at the age of 54 can make a new life for themselves.  Can I make new friends, change the way I live, feel like a valuable human?  Well, I have no choice.  It is that, or continuing on the path of self destruction, and I don't want to make that choice.

Sometimes I pretend that I have moved to a new city, where no one knows me, which would leave me in the position of needing to make new friends, explore new hobbies, and find a place to feel comfortable with who I am, and present that person to others.  That gives me the freedom to leave the house, and work on a new life, with out fear of judgment of those who have judged me, and made decisions about who they thought I was, and whose opinions and judgments I, yes, I have allowed to hurt me, and damage me, and to incapacitate me.

I'm Alive!  Like many others who have experienced emotional damage due to circumstances of their lives, I have the opportunity to learn to find my self worth in a different way than in the past.  I can do things, and make changes that make ME happy, and make me feel good about myself, and gain my feelings of self worth from myself.