" and now I am sitting here wondering what to say,
Afraid that all these words might scare you away,
No one ever talks about their feelings anyway
Without dressing them in dreams and laughter
I guess it's just too painful anyway."
Maybe that is why the music of Jackson Browne is so powerful, at least to me. He does talk about, at least in song, talk about feelings. Feelings that I know I experience in my life, for my own reasons, but similar feelings just the same.
I am much better at dressing my feelings in dreams and laughter, or at times hiding them in boxes which I metaphorically bury them underground deep enough to never have to accidentally unearth them.
Yesterday I ran into someone I hadn't seen in quite awhile. It was nice to see her, she asked how I was doing, to which I replied "great". I walked away laughing. Am I doing "great"? No, not really. However, what does someone say to a really nice person they haven't seen in years? Should I have said "Karen, great to see you. Actually I am a little tense these days. I recently found out that I have tested positive for the breast cancer gene, and I am walking the path of trying to make the best preventative choices. Monday I will be having my tubes and ovaries removed in Chicago. Additionally tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death, so I really miss him.
Then I thought about the lyrics of the Late Show. Feelings and emotions are scary enough for the person who has them, sharing them indiscriminately could send people running away with record speed. All people, do however, need someone to share their thoughts with, who they need not fear will disappear. I have always been an expert at not sharing, and I have been striving to change this pattern, by learning to share first, then break the tension with laughter. Laughter is a great healer, and find in humor in life after accepting the other feelings rocks!
So, as I mentioned today is the 22 anniversary of my father's death. He always loved a good bar holiday, so St. Patrick's day seems appropriate. My father died of cancer, as did my mother. Genetic testing has given me a gift. I have the opportunity to make proactive decisions, and possibly prevent an eventual cancer diagnosis. My children will have the same opportunities.
In the act of sharing my feelings, I have many on this issue. I feel lucky to know about my crappy genes. I am scared to walk thru this process. I am terrified to not go thru this process. For me there is only one direction to chose at this path in my life, so I have chosen to start this journey on Spring Break. As my son as called it, it will be an Alternative Spring Break. I'll be getting closer to peace of mind, which, could end up feeling like a great working vacation!