Today is my birthday. In honor of my birthday the Secretary of State invited me to take the written Driver's License Exam, in order to remain a legal driver. While I was impatiently waiting, I reflected on the last time I took the written exam.
Here is what came to my mind:
- The last time I took this test I believe that Nixon was President.
- Jackson Browne had one album, and I mean album, creatively named Jackson Browne, housed in a burlap textured album cover, and mistakenly referred to as Saturate Before Using due to the words on the burlap bag. The song which took off from that album, was Doctor My Eyes. For me, that was when I realized who Jackson Browne was, but certainly not what impact his music would have, and still have on my life.
- I did not know anything about Selective Mutism, ADHD, Anxiety Disorders, Alcoholism, or Deleterious Mutated Genes.
- I wanted to be a Pediatrician.
- I had already had a fair amount of experience being a patient, a sick person, and a child of parents who were ill, so I already knew that feeling a being "different" than my peers.
- I had already become very good at avoiding certain feelings, especially those of sadness, which continued to be a problem for much of my life.
- The one thing I was certain about, was that I wanted more than anything to be a mother!
Next, while still impatiently sitting and waiting at the DMV, my mind as it does wandered to how my life has evolved over these past 41 years. What I had "pictured" as my life when I was 15, and what my life has actually held up until this point. I say up until this point, because I have figured out by now, life is a journey with twists and turns, road blocks, and surprises which shape who we will become, and what direction we are driven.
Here is what came to my mind:
- I so thankful for my children and my husband. I knew I wanted to be a parent, but I could never have imagined the intense feelings and connections between parents and their children. The fierce need to protect their spirits, and nurture them, and protect them from harm. The feeling that over powers a parent to understand the internal workings of their child, and help them use what they have been given to to their best abilities, while educating others about their differences, hoping their teachers will appreciate their strengths and see their courage. The feeling of a parenthood which doesn't allow giving up on their children, even when running into many walls, while searching for answers.
- "Doctor, my eyes; cannot see the sky; Is this the prize for having learned how not to cry?" I can't remember when, but one day listening to this song, I realized that this line was speaking to me. I looked up at the beautiful blue sky, fluffy white clouds, and at that moment I saw such beauty around me. It suddenly occurred to me, that my inability to feel sadness, also prohibited me from seeing the beauty that was all around. Children laughing, flowers, trees, people interacting, often escaped my eyes, my inability to deal with sadness had also started to remove beauty and joy from my life.
- While working through the opportunities which life provides us, and frankly some of them really suck, it is important to feel all emotions to fully live life. I realized eventually that without allowing myself to feel sad, frustrated, and at times angry with some of life's opportunities, I was cheating myself out of the other side of the spectrum that comes with walking through the fire...feeling of pride, strength, joy and true happiness.
- Life is not what happens to us, it is how we choose to deal with those events. The opportunities thrown our direction, and how we respond to them create our life.
- My story is not over, each opportunity provides new experiences which may take my life, in a direction I have never anticipated.
- What I pictured doesn't matter, what I do with my opportunities does.
I want to close by saying that, yes, I was at the DMV long enough to have all of these thoughts, and more. I am thankful that I do not have to sit there before every birthday to renew my license!
