The Late Show

This song has always been a favorite of mine.  It is referenced by Bruce Springsteen when he inducts Jackson Browne into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, although by the Album title, not the song.  When listening to this song, in it's studio produced form, one can hear the closing of the car doors, each a few seconds apart, followed by the revving of the engine as the car pulls ways.  That piece of art plus the beautiful thought provoking lyrics constantly amaze me almost 40 years later!

" and now I am sitting here wondering what to say,

Afraid that all these words might scare you away,

No one ever talks about their feelings anyway

Without dressing them in dreams and laughter

I guess it's just too painful anyway."

Maybe that is why the music of Jackson Browne is so powerful, at least to me.  He does talk about, at least in song, talk about feelings.  Feelings that I know I experience in my life, for my own reasons, but similar feelings just the same.

I am much better at dressing my feelings in dreams and laughter, or at times hiding them in boxes which I metaphorically bury them underground deep enough to never have to accidentally unearth them.

Yesterday I ran into someone I hadn't seen in quite awhile.  It was nice to see her, she asked how I was doing, to which I replied "great".  I walked away laughing.  Am I doing "great"? No, not really.  However, what does someone  say to a really nice person they haven't seen in years? Should I have said "Karen, great to see you.  Actually I am a little tense these days.  I recently found out that I have tested positive for the breast cancer gene, and I am walking the path of trying to make the best preventative choices.  Monday I will be having my tubes and ovaries removed in Chicago. Additionally tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death, so I really miss him.

Then I thought about the lyrics of the Late Show.  Feelings and emotions are scary enough for the person who has them, sharing them indiscriminately could send people running away with record speed.  All people, do however, need someone to share their thoughts with, who they need not fear will disappear.  I have always been an expert at not sharing, and I have been striving to change this pattern, by learning to share first, then break the tension with laughter.  Laughter is a great healer, and find in humor in life after accepting the other feelings rocks!

So, as I mentioned today is the 22 anniversary of my father's death.  He always loved a good bar holiday, so St. Patrick's day seems appropriate.  My father died of cancer, as did my mother.  Genetic testing  has given me a gift.  I have the opportunity to make proactive decisions, and possibly prevent an eventual cancer diagnosis.  My children will have the same opportunities.  

In the act of sharing my feelings, I have many on this issue.  I feel lucky to know about my crappy genes.  I am scared to walk thru this process.  I am terrified to not go thru this process. For me there is only one direction to chose at this path in my life, so I have chosen to start this journey on Spring Break.  As my son as called it, it will be an Alternative Spring Break.  I'll be getting closer  to peace of mind, which, could end up feeling like a great working vacation!

Doctor My Eyes

Today is my birthday.  In honor of my birthday the Secretary of State invited me to take the written Driver's License Exam, in order to remain a legal driver.  While I was impatiently waiting, I reflected on the last time I took the written exam. 

 

Here is what came to my mind:

 

1. The last time I took this test I believe that Nixon was President.
2. Jackson Browne had one album, and I mean album, creatively named Jackson Browne, housed in a burlap textured album cover, and mistakenly referred to as Saturate Before Using due to the words on the burlap bag.  The song which took off from that album, was Doctor My Eyes.  For me, that was when I realized who Jackson Browne was, but certainly not what impact his music would have, and still have on my life.
3. I did not know anything about Selective Mutism, ADHD, Anxiety Disorders, Alcoholism, or Deleterious Mutated Genes.
4. I wanted to be a Pediatrician.
5. I had already had a fair amount of experience being a patient, a sick person, and a child of parents who were ill, so I already knew that feeling a being "different" than my peers.
6. I had already become very good at avoiding certain feelings, especially those of sadness, which continued to be a problem for much of my life.
7. The one thing I was certain about, was that I wanted more than anything to be a mother!

Next, while still impatiently sitting and waiting at the DMV, my mind as it does wandered to how my life has evolved over these past 41 years.  What I had "pictured" as my life when I was 15, and what my life has actually held up until this point.  I say up until this point, because I have figured out by now, life  is a journey with twists and turns, road blocks, and surprises which shape who we will become, and what direction we are driven.

 

Here is what came to my mind:

 

1. I so thankful for my children and my husband.  I knew I wanted to be a parent, but I could never have imagined the intense feelings and connections between parents and their children.  The fierce need to protect their spirits, and nurture them, and protect them from harm.  The feeling that over powers a parent to understand the internal workings of their child, and help them use what they have been given to to their best abilities, while educating others about their differences, hoping their teachers will appreciate their strengths and see their courage.  The feeling of a parenthood which doesn't allow giving up on their children, even when running into many walls, while searching for answers.
2. "Doctor, my eyes; cannot see the sky; Is this the prize for having learned how not to cry?"  I can't remember when, but one day listening to this song, I realized that this line was speaking to me.  I looked up at the beautiful blue sky, fluffy white clouds, and at that moment I saw such beauty around me.  It suddenly occurred to me, that my inability to feel sadness, also prohibited me from seeing the beauty that was all around.  Children laughing, flowers, trees, people interacting, often escaped my eyes, my inability to deal with sadness had also started to remove beauty and joy from my life.
3. While working through the opportunities which life provides us, and frankly some of them really suck, it is important to feel all emotions to fully live life.  I realized eventually that without allowing myself to feel sad, frustrated, and at times angry with some of life's opportunities, I was cheating myself out of the other side of the spectrum that comes with walking through the fire...feeling of pride, strength, joy and true happiness.
4. Life is not what happens to us, it is how we choose to deal with those events.  The opportunities thrown our direction, and how we respond to them create our life.
5. My story is not over, each opportunity provides new experiences which may take my life, in a direction I have never anticipated.
6. What I pictured doesn't matter, what I do with my opportunities does.

 

I want to close by saying that, yes, I was at the DMV long enough to have all of these thoughts, and more.  I am thankful that I do not have to sit there before every birthday to renew my license!