Sing My Songs to Me

Sing my songs to me
Sing them to me softly
Sing me sunlight and shadows
Orange groves and meadows
Let your voice ring back my memories
Sing my songs to me

This song was in my wedding.  Why?  What was the special meaning? The special meaning arrived after our wedding, when it became "the Jackson Browne song that was in our wedding".  It was chosen because, I insisted that there be a song by Jackson Browne in our wedding ceremony.  For various reasons most of his songs were eliminated right off the bat.  After all it was 1989, and the reason that I was drawn to his music was the ability it had to help me work through the difficult times in my life.  So my favorites at that time, "For a Dancer", "Here Come Those Tears Again", and "Bright Baby Blues", "Lives in the Balance", even the "Rehab version of Cocaine" were really not going to work.

Bring my dreams to me
Bring them from the darkness
Let the minutes and hours
Show my mind strange new flowers
But I'd like to know where they go
When the morning comes
Bring my dreams to me

I spent literally hours listening to Jackson Browne songs, which was a job which I loved, however, without the Internet I had to find the cassette tapes, and boxes so I had the various words just to make sure I didn't make a mistake, misunderstand a lyric, and play a song like "Rosie" believing it meant something else.  I did hear him later say that the original words in  "Sing My Songs to Me", were oranges and yellows in reference to various colors of pills he stored in his room at the time, instead of of "orange groves and meadows",  I would have chosen the song even if I knew that then, because frankly that is quite funny.

My point here is that I was tenacious in my quest to find a song of Jackson Browne's to play at my wedding.  Even though I will have quite a selection for family funerals, what is really on my mind is tenacity.

For the last two weeks when I have headed out to my car to start my day, I have noticed a spider web on the side view mirror.  There has also been a larger one on the hatch back door.  The first day, I brushed them away, thinking to myself, I must really be a slob to have not noticed my car has been taken over with spider webs, I need to get it together.  Each morning said spiders had elaborately spun a more intricate web than the day before, and each morning I knocked it away, knowing that Jackson would probably have the spiders transplanted to a special habitat where they could live out their lives without me destroying their hard work daily.  Maybe, I thought, the message is to get a more earth friendly car, a hybrid, or electric.  Then it hit me, man those spiders are tenacious.

My thoughts drifted to my children, whom I have always hoped to instill tenacity, so they would have the inner strength to do with their life what they desired, and follow their dreams. I don't really view myself as a tenacious individual, but I have put that on my list of skills to work on developing.  My son just built the Taj Mahal,  out of legos, but a job which took tenacity, and my dogs are trying to remove the family room carpet string by string, while no one catches them, so they are covered.

Then there is my daughter, who has incredible tenacity but doesn't even know she how much she actually has.  Until she was 15 she was unable to speak to adults outside of her father, mother, and a few teachers.  She had what we now know is Selective Mutism.  When I finally found that as a diagnosis, I began dialing for doctors to find someone to work with her, and we were lucky to find someone who could help her work through this debilitating condition, allowing her to take on the same challenges other's her age are engaging in.  When she was 15, I wondered how if ever she would be able to get a driver's license, because she had to get in the car with a strange man, and in our neck of the woods, usually quite grumpy, take his direction, and drive.  At this point ordering food in a restaurant was challenging. 

Then before I knew it, my daughter headed off to attend college, on her own, knowing no one from her past life to help her into her new life, and became a college student.  Now that is one tenacious person.  I was close, but not close enough to assist with getting tasks done, and she was over the age of 18 so there were things I legally could not help her with even if I was present. She occasionally stumbled and fell, but got back up and tried again, and never ran home for safety. 

I began to watch videos on "you tube" by teens and young adults with selective mutism, and I became more in awe everyday with her tenacity.  I suggest everyone watches a few so they can get an inside look at what hell these kids go through on a daily basis, while others around them think they are snobs, stupid, and incapable of trying just a little bit harder.

The first moment I really, really, really, saw the change in my daughter was in Chicago in September 2010.  We were at a Jackson Browne concert, and as I have mentioned before, she asked someone if her mother could possibly meet him.  A stranger, in an alley, in Chicago!  My life changed that day for several reasons, but one of them was seeing the strength of my daughter reaching new heights.

As I write this I am anticipating her return from a year "studying" in Australia.  I know that she has had a fabulous time, and that she feels she has met her future.  She wants to return to live in Melbourne, go through her life down under, where she and I will not even be existing in the same day, let alone hemisphere.  Although she must return to finish her bachelors degree in Chicago, she plans on returning to Australia.  So, as hard as this is for me to do, I wish her the tenacity to do what she needs to do to find her way back, if that is where her dreams lie.  I will be happy to Sing Her Songs to Her, but she will need to do the work, find the path, the means both financial and educational to make this happen.  Although I can't fathom a life with either one of my children living so far away, especially due to my anxiety of travel, her happiness is of utmost importance. While sharing her life I learned so much from this young woman, that I am sure I can learn to experience some time outside of the United States.

Because it seems to me that there may never be
A better chance to see who I am
Come timelessly dancing
Through my dreams to me

Alive in The World

I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world

The picture above was from a September evening in 2010.  My daughter and I went to the concert. I was suffering from a broken foot, wearing a stylish boot on my right foot.  My daughter, wanting to help complete items on my bucket list approached a gentleman who looked like he was "with the tour",  and I believe asked if there was any chance her mother could meet Mr. Browne.  At that time in my life, I was just realizing that I was experiencing some increase in health problems, and I frankly believed that if I was going to the get the chance to work on the items on my bucket list, this was the day.  So, my guess is, I looked pathetic!  The "official" looking man took us inside the Chicago Theater, and sat us down for sound check.  There he was, Jackson Browne, looking young, energetic and I felt 19 instead of 53!  Which at that moment was the age of my daughter.  The "official" looking man, came back after sound check, and presented me with a Jackson Browne guitar pick.  All that was before the concert even started, and I was pretty much already floating in the clouds.

Through out the rest of 2010 and the Spring of 2011 I continued to be plagued with increasing health problems, which I wanted to ignore.  I assumed that one day they would randomly disappear and I would be who I used to be.  Didn't happen.  As documented previously, I started a downward spiral of emotions, which caused me to turn strongly to the music of Jackson Browne, to listen carefully, to begin this blog, to eventually meet the man who wrote and performed the songs that I believe help me find my way in the world, and to eventually find the strength to leave my job of many years, trying to come to terms with the fact that I physically could no longer perform the job as I knew it needed to be done.

One year ago tomorrow, May 26, 2011, I left my job where I had worked for 17 years.  It is also the birthday of one of my favorite people in the world, who can't read but I am pretty sure knows how I feel.  Without this little person, and her family, and my family I don't know if I would have had to courage to move on, take care of myself, and begin to believe I could once again feel "Alive in the World".

I have documented my experience throughout this blog, my realizations, my feelings and thoughts as I taken this journey over the past twelve months.  This particular song, which I heard as I was driving around today, to me reminds me how far I have come.  I have forgiven myself for "failing" and developing health issues that forced my path to change.  I do want to live  in "the world", not behind a self created wall, or inside my head.  I do want to to take my chances, even though it may involve facing my fears. 

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world

With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world

To follow these words, in my life today, I can take the anniversary of the beginning of my new path in life and enjoy the changes. Feel, as I do, thankful that I am here Alive in the World.  Then continue moving forward, and take advantage of the "infinite power of change", and face my health issues head on, with out fear, and increase the time I have to "to open my eyes and fully arrive in the world". 

Thanks to everyone who has helped me this year, treating me with respect when I didn't respect myself, liking me when I was not incredibly likable, sharing your children with me and trusting me, when I wasn't sure if I would would ever feel that I was able to contribute to the world around me again.  Allowing me to recover, slowly and begin to take the next steps into my future life!  Teaching me to enjoy my life, each and every day.

Anything Can Happen

I listen to the music of Jackson Browne every day.  (Surprised?  I bet not!)  Sometimes I just have it on in the car and it is playing in the background while my self talk in my head plays on and on.  Other times I listen, really listen to the words and find myself able to apply parts of songs to my life, or use those lyrics to find comfort and peace with my personal world. 

The lyrics of Jackson Browne songs can change my way of accepting the events of my life, and they can have the same effect on me as some people receive reading passages of the Bible. Listening to the same lyrics at different times can cause me to come to understanding different situations, in my one and only life.

When I am having a "serious" listening experience, I always, always, always, find myself once again amazed that many of the lyrics which can affect my life so deeply were written by a young man who was between the ages of 16-and early 20's.  His use of language, words, metaphors, etc. never ceases to amaze me. Couple that with the fact that some 40 years later he is still writing, and creating equally as profound lyrical contribution to the music world, and of course, my life!

Here are a few of my favorite Jackson Browne quotes which have made a major impact of my life and times:

I'm going back inside and turning out those light
And I'll be in the dark but you'll be out of sight

(This quote was on the outside of my dorm room one year in college, can't remember why!)

I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again

(as my generation has grown older, I find it amusing that an audience full of middle aged fans-who if they are middle aged will live to be 100 +-can't seem to wait to join in when Jackson gets to the line "Get it up again"! Does it make us feel young?)

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

(I have asked that the last line appear on my headstone)

It's a hotel at best, you're here as a guest
You oughta make yourself at home while you're waiting for the rest
(Looking Into You is my favorite song of all, and after visiting the Abbey En Encino I love the song even more.  The most incredible home I have seen.)

Baby if you need me
Like I know I need you
There's just one thing
I'll ask you to do
Take my hand and lead me
To the hole in your garden wall
And pull me through
 (love this song, just love it)

They shot a man into the sky
The moon and stars became his bed
He saw the sun rise seven times
And when he came back down he said

It is one, it is one
One world spinning 'round the sun
Wherever it is you call home
Whatever country you come from
It is one, it is one, it is one, it is one
(So true, so simple, so profound.  Why doesn't the world realize this fact and act accordingly)

We watch the days we make our plans
We change in ways a life demands
I'll always remember this time, this place
The hope in your voice, the light on your face
Because anything can happen

There are oh so many more fabulous quotes and one liners, which supply at least  me with hours of thought about the world we live in, the way I want to conduct my life, the way I do conduct my life (which is not always the same), what I want for my children, their children, and the all of the children of the world.

We have a choice how to use our time in this world, we can use it for self satisfaction, we can use it for that as well as helping others, and we can use it to insure that this planet is still there intact for future generations to enjoy! For me it is a daily struggle to do my best at all of the above.

Jackson Browne was at least once heard to say "of my cheerful material, there isn't much", or at a concert I heard him say "now that I've played that song (The Load Out) it's back to the darkness now".  I have also heard him say that despite the tone of his music he is actually a very happy person.

I used to joke about listening to his music; which has a tendency to not be extremely upbeat; on such a regular basis.  For awhile I stopped listening, thinking it might be unhealthy to take in such sadness, and I was having serious trouble dealing with the emotions which were arose as his songs brought the past into my present.  However, here is the truth.  I can't be a happy person until I deal with the parts of my life that are/were less than joyful.  Listening to these songs, helps me take those difficult events from my life, find a comfortable way to live with them, and move forward to enjoy the joy of my everyday life.  Also, being able to forgive myself for some of my past choices, which I am not  proud of, leaves more room for enjoyment of each day, and feel the gratitude of being able to enjoy them.

Thanks Jackson!

My Stunning Mystery Companion

The past twelve months have not been a great year for my family, when it comes to our pet population.  We have been blessed with cats and dogs who have been a part of our lives for the past 10-18 years.  My children grew up along side their pets and never imagined their lives with out their faithful friend.  I complained about the chaos, pet hair, who was going to feed them, and loved them with all of my heart. 

The back window of my car is decorated with Disney window stickers to represent our family.  There is a happy Disney Mom, Dad, Girl, Boy, as well as three Disney Cats, and two Disney Dogs.  All have smiling faces, to represent the happiest place on earth, and our family. 

To represent our family accurately today, I would need to get myself out to the back of my car and scrape off two cats, and a dog.  I haven't been able to bring myself to do that.  I also probably should remove the happy young Disney boy and girl, and replace them with "hopefully" happy Disney young adults and move them to the other side of the window to represent that our fabulous kids are now making their own lives and planning their own futures.  As is should be.....

This has been a time of adjustment, a time of change, which has not always been easy but with practice my new life has brought me much happiness, love, and joy.  I once again wake up and find myself happy to see what the day will bring, and content finding a different way to spend my time.  I have been learning to cook and bake.   I go to library again, I read.  I have begun an exercise plan to help me feel better on a daily basis. I watch really bad reality TV, as well as Anderson Cooper.

Still there was a lack of joy in the house.  The early spring, the warm weather, a trip with my husband to California, all were joyful, but frankly the nest is still empty, and emptying out more each day.  We currently still have Wrigley our 7 year old Bagel, which is a Beagle Basset Hound, and Lily the last of our cats, who just celebrated her 14th birthday!

So, it became apparent to me that to jump start the joy in our house, it was time to add new life, and that new life is the little guy above in the picture with my husband.  It is my "Stunning Mystery Companion", Warren (Zevon) the Puggle.

Warren is still with his mother, and will join us in about two weeks.  His mother will probably be overjoyed to have her nest emptied of her eight canine children.  Just meeting Warren brought excited, joyful conversation between our family members.  Waiting for the day he can join us at home is also exciting.  I bought him a cute little bed, and I know he will spend his first few days at his new home chewing his new bed to shreds, climbing on Wrigley, biting his tail, eating our shoes, etc., but looking at his cute little puggle face, who could stay mad?

What with all my expectations long abandoned
My solitary nature notwithstanding
You're the one who pulled me
Out of that crash landing
My stunning mystery companion

Right now I can't quite remember
The cause of all my tears
I hear you laughing and somehow
The past just disappears
Maybe you were joking when you said
You'd take me for ten years and no more
Maybe you've had the best of me
But you could take another ten years and be sure

Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that this song was written for a human, specifically Jackson's longtime girlfriend.  I however, read the words and thought of Warren the Puggle who is joining my family.  He is my stunning mystery companion!

Goodbye Nala

Goodbye Jack

Goodbye Chloe

You can never be replaced, and your love and loyalty will always be in our hearts!  I know you understand my need to open my heart to "My Stunning Mystery Companion"!

Keep Me in Your Heart For Awhile

My father passed away 21 years ago today.  While the crowds of 1991were consuming green beer, and for one day every one was Irish, he slipped away.  Always having been a man who enjoyed beer, I am sure he held no grudges on how other people were spending their day. 

I a  newly minted mother, proud of my three month old daughter, had slipped out to purchase hot dogs from my father's favorite place for the family at home.  When I returned, I received the news.  I have comforted myself with the idea that he needed to wait until his "baby" had left the house, to leave the house himself.  Sort of way my family operated, protect the baby, protect the weakest link, try to save them from pain.
Pain which, of course, no one can be protected from, and pain each person must experience unless they  chose to also give up the joy that love brings to life.

As "finally" a mother, I was not young, and although the family "baby", I was far from my babyhood, and already pretty skilled at storing loss and pain in the appropriate boxes,  away in my attic of memories too painful for me to want to take the lid off and examine.  I realized that day, that at 34 it was possible to still feel like an orphan, when both parents had passed away. 

My Dad left me with a lot of memories to fill the memory box in my heart.  Some great, some horrific, and some really, really funny.  He had a sense of humor and I developed that same dark sense of what can be considered funny.  He had a deep capacity to love, and to appreciate people, as they were, with what they brought to the table.  He had a great capacity to forgive others of their transgressions, and to try to understand where they were coming from, when they acted in a way he didn't understand.

He also provided me with my own personal set of fears, which I harbored from a young age.  He drank a lot, or was drunk a lot, and I cowered in the back seat when we would be driving home from places, fearful of being in an accident.  He was frequently unemployed, which left me with a fear of losing where we lived, and he certain, at least to me, seemed fragile, which left me without the feeling that he could take care of me, and my emotional needs.

All of that said, he was hysterically funny.  Loved to laugh, loved to joke.  He had three daughters, and I don't remember ever being told, that I should have been a boy.  He loved us, he loved my mother, he loved his grandchildren.  He told me my daughter, when he made the trip downstate to meet her for the first time, was the "prettiest baby ever", as I am sure he told my sisters about their children.  He believed that of all of them.  He, unlike me, had emotion.  I was often afraid, as his seemed to bubble up to the surface more than I was comfortable dealing with on a daily basis!  He was lucky to have those feelings, I now know.

My father, if he had heard his music, would have loved Warren Zevon.  My father loved music, mostly jazz.  However, Warren's dark humor would have been appreciated by my Dad.  I have chosen this song today, to honor my father, because of that feeling.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Many times when I am doing something simple around the house, I think of my father, and I smile.  I am not angry at him for the bad memories, I have used those as a springboard for forgiveness, and a memory of feelings I don't want my children to carry around throughout their lives. 

My father's memory box was the first one I was able to open in my head, and sort through.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I finally could feel the feelings, and hold the good memories close to me. 

I hold him in my thoughts, I take him to my dreams, and I know he left me with out loving me any less.

Thanks Dad!

The Load Out/ Stay

Today is my Birthday, 55 years old, six months older than my mother ever reached, and I really don't feel as if I am old, older, but not OLD.

I chose the Jackson Browne classic "The Load Out/Stay" to represent this birthday, for several reasons.  This has been a year of adjusting to changes.  There has been a change in what I do each day, a change in family structure as my kids are growing up, our old pets are departing at a rapid rate, and what was once a certainty is not anymore.

I remember hearing this song for the first time in 1978, which his actually the year my mother passed away.  There is mention of eight tracks, cassets and steroes.  At that time the roadies would come out and sing their part, etc. and the stadium would begin to empty as the band would sing sStay.  It was a great end to a concert, everyone singing their way to the exit, many stumbling, but we won't get into that!

We have all aged, I never had an eight track, but no one actually does now, cassets are unused in a box, and our stereo doesn't get much use at all.  My beautiful daughter is now in Australia "studying" criminal psychology, and my handsome son is living on campus at U of I, exploring gender studies with a interest in social work.  They are both, like me, interested in why people do what they do.  Interesting, as my prediction was that my son would be a developer of video games, and my daughter would work with young children, who had trouble verbally expressing themselves.  Am I disappointed?  No, I couldn't be prouder that these two young adults have grown up to follow their interests, in spite of me!! 

I so wanted them to Stay, to keep me feeling young, but it was time for them to Load Out, and grow, and I had to let them go.  They have provided me with such pleasure as I have watched them navigate the trials and tribulations of the life of young adults.  I want so badly to push fast forward, or at least select another track, to allow them to avoid the inevidable pain of growing up into adulthood, but life doesn't allow me to do this, so I watch, and hopefully provide a gentle place to land while they figure out what to do next.

If there was a happiness meter, I could say that I am probably 99% happier, than I was last year at this time.  Today my days are spent, playing, investigating, and laughing, with four fabulous young people between the ages of 1 and 4.  They remind me daily of the joy of life, the joy of simple things, like cake, bubbles, paint, and playdough.  They help me see the world through different glasses, and help me appreciate the beauty a day gives each of us to explore.  They help me remember that one "bad" moment in a day, doesn't make a bad day, and even if I think it does, there is always tomorrow.  However, in case there isn't tomorrow, live each day to the fullest.

I realized a few weeks ago, shock of shocks, I am slow to connect the dots!  That I have been married for 22 years, that my friends is a long time!  Mike and I have been given the gift of longevity, and the opportunity to establish a "new" life, without our eight tracks, without our children living at home, and although not in the greatest health, still with plenty of energy to learn new things, and explore things together.  Left with one semi old Beagle Basset, with a giant head, one old cat with a persistant loud meow, who stares at us all night, and one sweet old cat, who has been know to move into neighborhood homes when we travel, we are here with the opportunity to get to know each other again, as we have both changed as our life as evolved and our children have grown.

So, on this my 55th birthday, I am thankful for those in my life today, for the children who I enjoy each afternoon, and who provide me hours of fun, and laughter.  For their parents who share them with me, I blessed that have chosen to do that for me.  For my own children, whom I love to watch grow into adulthood, to my husband who puts up with me, and now has a life time worth of dish soap due to one of my cost saving adventures.  To my old pets, who remind me of the circle of life, and that it is alright to throw ones heart out there, even though sometimes there will be pain.  To my parents for having me, my siblings for helping to raise me, and there children who are older than mine, showing me that our family grows great young adults.

I am also thankful for Jackson Browne, his music has carried me through life.  He has gotten older, changed, and his music has developed and reflected those changes life brings.  I appreciate that he has not disappeared during the aging process, but continued to provide people like me, music and lyrics to help sort out their lives!

For a Dancer

For a Dancer, one of the Jackson Browne songs, known as a funeral song.  Somewhere I heard Jackson say that people often ask if there is an album of his that doesn't contain a song about people dying.  He replied that he is drawn to write about death, as it is one of the most difficult concepts for people to grasp, and so hard to understand.

 Into a dancer you have grown

From a seed somebody else has thrown

Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own

And somewhere between the time you arrive

And the time you go

May lie a reason you were alive

But you'll never know

Today is the anniversary of my Mother's death.  She was 54 when she died.  We shared a birth date.  I am 54, so I am exactly the age she was when she died.  I have an almost 21 year old daughter, and a 19 year old son.  I was 21 when my mother died.  I look at my children, and I am certain they are not yet ready to no longer be "mothered".  They are awesome young adults, and do a good job navigating the world they live in, but they still need their mother.  Although I didn't know it then, I am pretty sure I did too.

The quote above is one of my favorites Jackson Browne quotes.  There were several seeds that my mother threw that she never was able to meet, and know.  She was responsible for the birth of me, and my two older sisters, so she was therefore indirectly responsible for her grandchildren.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing Elizabeth, Naomi, Adam, Nick and Dan; my nieces and nephews into this world.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing the greatest gift I have ever to receive into this world, my children.  For without Katie and Andrew I would be nothing, they are my reason to exist, to pull my hair out in clumps, to laugh and to love.  They teach me patience, tolerance, and how to love on a daily basis.  They have taught me so much, opened my mind to understanding things which I would have never taken a chance at exploring, and they have taught me that my real dreams are not what I saw them becoming on the day they were born, but for their happiness and success in the life that they see for themselves!

Parenthood is probably not my greatest strength, but it is my greatest joy .  Mom, I am sorry you were robbed of that joy at such an early time, and that you could only imagine what was to become, and that you missed getting to know the fabulous people created by the seeds that you threw, and the reason you were alive.

Your absence in felt in your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren.  Thanks for the gift of life, I cherish it.

Don't Let Us Get Sick

I know this is a Warren Zevon song, but Jackson sings it now, and he sang it the night I saw him in Wisconsin.  Warren was a "harder version" of Jackson, with a really dark sense of humor, which portrays the kind of irony that I enjoy. I believe Bruce Springsteen referred to them as Cain and Abel, and I see that as a really good analogy.

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

I heard this song last night as I was reading "Do One Green Thing Saving the Earth Through Simple, Everyday Choices".  My mind wandered from "saving yourself from the bottled water habit"; if every American stopped buying water in disposable bottles Americans would save 54 million barrels of oil, used during the plastic making process, pumping, processing and transporting and refrigerating the bottles, which is the same amount used running 3 million cars for a year.

As staggering of a thought as that is, the ability to make something like this, would evaporate:

Yes!  It's a bed made out of plastic bottles, contained in a house made out of plastic bottles!  Now that is recycling.

Ok back to where my head was at last night.  The lines "just make us be brave, and let us play nice" brought up quite a bit to think about.  Why would one have to be brave to play nice?  Why is it so hard for adults to play nice?

Preschool children overall are naturally accepting and kind people.  Their developmental stages of life, may cause them to impulsively have actions that appear to adults to be "not playing nice", but usually those are just that , impulsive, their brains are not developed enough to know that grabbing a toy, pushing another child, etc. is not playing nice.  Two seconds later, the children who just finished what appeared to be a battle over a toy, are best friends, holding hands, hugging each other, etc.  Their actions are not purposeful, they do not plan harm to another individual, and they don't watch to see how the other children in their class, relate to another child, to decide how they are going to behave.  They are too egocentric to need another person to tell them who to want to play with!

It's only when the outside world intervenes, and "helps" them see who they are "supposed" to play with, who they are "supposed" to ignore, and who is "different", and they should back off, and stay away.  Children are naturally, instinctively nice to those who are nice to them, and respectful to those who respect them. 

That brings me to something I have been spending a lot of time thinking about lately.  Why are adults, who should know better, not as kind and understanding as children? It seems to me that it is often difficult for adults to make up their own minds regarding certain issues.  In fact, not only will some adults have difficulty making up their own minds, they will blindly accept another person's version of an incident, or impression of another person without even doing their own research, and either going to the source for information and making their own decision, and if they already have their own opinion, stating their thoughts on the matter.  Why are adults so afraid?  Is it the social implications of making an unpopular choice?  Is it the fear of their status in a particular community?  How do people sleep well at night letting others make their decisions for them, who to like, who not to like, who to invite, who not to invite.  Some situations where individuals allow others to make their decisions, while allowing them to maintain a certain comfort in social situations, could possibly be causing a person outside of their social circle a hardship, to experience anxiety, pain, confusion, social isolation, etc. and more.  Is being comfortable with one's place in the social hierarchy worth causing other's pain?

I bet everyone out there sees the above paragraph to be an accurate picture of middle school and high school, which in itself is a huge problem, which schools and parents must address.  However, I am talking about full fledged grown ups, parents raising children, who will end up do what they see their parent's doing.  Unless one of these adults has a child who mistakenly becomes a target, none of these adults will be able to see the error of their ways, and how their inability to think for themselves, and stand up for others and treat everyone with the respect that they deserve, might really being hurting someone, who may not be someone in their "circle" but none the less a person.

I go to sleep every night hoping that I have "played nice", and when I haven't, the words that I may have said, the thought that I may have conveyed, run through my brain, and I am ashamed.  To look for the good in everyone, to try to see the place where they are, and where they came from is what every person deserves.  Only then can two adults have a conversation which allows problems to be solved, and people to move forward in a dignified manner.  Everyone is insecure, at least to some extent, to use one's insecurities to hurt someone else, is not a behavior we want children to observe.

Jackson Browne states his opinions, his values, and what he believe's in, without feeling ashamed.  When is music took a political turn, and people began to wish he would return to more personal lyric, he borrowed a few words from Little Steven and said, "there is nothing more personal that one's politics".  The point being, standing up for what someone believes to be correct, that means what they themselves believe, not what they are told to believe is a noble trait.

That said, Jackson has been promoting Earth friendly practices for years, it's only now that I am taking a serious look at doing the same,  when I met him, he still was still nice and respectful, without first asking me if I drank bottled water!  That type of comfort with his own ideals is what made me want to take a second look at how I treat the environment.  He is believes in the power of attraction, not the power if promotion.

If I can promote anything, I hope it is that adults should treat all people with respect, try to understand when they are coming from, and make our choices based on reality, not someone else's perception!

Today I ordered dog chewies in bulk, to be delivered in a box, which can be recycled!  Tomorrow, I am really, really going to make plarn.  I have to, my husband brought the groceries home in plastic bags!  I am also going to try to make a basket out of magazines!