Alive in The World

I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world

The picture above was from a September evening in 2010.  My daughter and I went to the concert. I was suffering from a broken foot, wearing a stylish boot on my right foot.  My daughter, wanting to help complete items on my bucket list approached a gentleman who looked like he was "with the tour",  and I believe asked if there was any chance her mother could meet Mr. Browne.  At that time in my life, I was just realizing that I was experiencing some increase in health problems, and I frankly believed that if I was going to the get the chance to work on the items on my bucket list, this was the day.  So, my guess is, I looked pathetic!  The "official" looking man took us inside the Chicago Theater, and sat us down for sound check.  There he was, Jackson Browne, looking young, energetic and I felt 19 instead of 53!  Which at that moment was the age of my daughter.  The "official" looking man, came back after sound check, and presented me with a Jackson Browne guitar pick.  All that was before the concert even started, and I was pretty much already floating in the clouds.

Through out the rest of 2010 and the Spring of 2011 I continued to be plagued with increasing health problems, which I wanted to ignore.  I assumed that one day they would randomly disappear and I would be who I used to be.  Didn't happen.  As documented previously, I started a downward spiral of emotions, which caused me to turn strongly to the music of Jackson Browne, to listen carefully, to begin this blog, to eventually meet the man who wrote and performed the songs that I believe help me find my way in the world, and to eventually find the strength to leave my job of many years, trying to come to terms with the fact that I physically could no longer perform the job as I knew it needed to be done.

One year ago tomorrow, May 26, 2011, I left my job where I had worked for 17 years.  It is also the birthday of one of my favorite people in the world, who can't read but I am pretty sure knows how I feel.  Without this little person, and her family, and my family I don't know if I would have had to courage to move on, take care of myself, and begin to believe I could once again feel "Alive in the World".

I have documented my experience throughout this blog, my realizations, my feelings and thoughts as I taken this journey over the past twelve months.  This particular song, which I heard as I was driving around today, to me reminds me how far I have come.  I have forgiven myself for "failing" and developing health issues that forced my path to change.  I do want to live  in "the world", not behind a self created wall, or inside my head.  I do want to to take my chances, even though it may involve facing my fears. 

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world

With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world

To follow these words, in my life today, I can take the anniversary of the beginning of my new path in life and enjoy the changes. Feel, as I do, thankful that I am here Alive in the World.  Then continue moving forward, and take advantage of the "infinite power of change", and face my health issues head on, with out fear, and increase the time I have to "to open my eyes and fully arrive in the world". 

Thanks to everyone who has helped me this year, treating me with respect when I didn't respect myself, liking me when I was not incredibly likable, sharing your children with me and trusting me, when I wasn't sure if I would would ever feel that I was able to contribute to the world around me again.  Allowing me to recover, slowly and begin to take the next steps into my future life!  Teaching me to enjoy my life, each and every day.

My Stunning Mystery Companion

The past twelve months have not been a great year for my family, when it comes to our pet population.  We have been blessed with cats and dogs who have been a part of our lives for the past 10-18 years.  My children grew up along side their pets and never imagined their lives with out their faithful friend.  I complained about the chaos, pet hair, who was going to feed them, and loved them with all of my heart. 

The back window of my car is decorated with Disney window stickers to represent our family.  There is a happy Disney Mom, Dad, Girl, Boy, as well as three Disney Cats, and two Disney Dogs.  All have smiling faces, to represent the happiest place on earth, and our family. 

To represent our family accurately today, I would need to get myself out to the back of my car and scrape off two cats, and a dog.  I haven't been able to bring myself to do that.  I also probably should remove the happy young Disney boy and girl, and replace them with "hopefully" happy Disney young adults and move them to the other side of the window to represent that our fabulous kids are now making their own lives and planning their own futures.  As is should be.....

This has been a time of adjustment, a time of change, which has not always been easy but with practice my new life has brought me much happiness, love, and joy.  I once again wake up and find myself happy to see what the day will bring, and content finding a different way to spend my time.  I have been learning to cook and bake.   I go to library again, I read.  I have begun an exercise plan to help me feel better on a daily basis. I watch really bad reality TV, as well as Anderson Cooper.

Still there was a lack of joy in the house.  The early spring, the warm weather, a trip with my husband to California, all were joyful, but frankly the nest is still empty, and emptying out more each day.  We currently still have Wrigley our 7 year old Bagel, which is a Beagle Basset Hound, and Lily the last of our cats, who just celebrated her 14th birthday!

So, it became apparent to me that to jump start the joy in our house, it was time to add new life, and that new life is the little guy above in the picture with my husband.  It is my "Stunning Mystery Companion", Warren (Zevon) the Puggle.

Warren is still with his mother, and will join us in about two weeks.  His mother will probably be overjoyed to have her nest emptied of her eight canine children.  Just meeting Warren brought excited, joyful conversation between our family members.  Waiting for the day he can join us at home is also exciting.  I bought him a cute little bed, and I know he will spend his first few days at his new home chewing his new bed to shreds, climbing on Wrigley, biting his tail, eating our shoes, etc., but looking at his cute little puggle face, who could stay mad?

What with all my expectations long abandoned
My solitary nature notwithstanding
You're the one who pulled me
Out of that crash landing
My stunning mystery companion

Right now I can't quite remember
The cause of all my tears
I hear you laughing and somehow
The past just disappears
Maybe you were joking when you said
You'd take me for ten years and no more
Maybe you've had the best of me
But you could take another ten years and be sure

Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that this song was written for a human, specifically Jackson's longtime girlfriend.  I however, read the words and thought of Warren the Puggle who is joining my family.  He is my stunning mystery companion!

Goodbye Nala

Goodbye Jack

Goodbye Chloe

You can never be replaced, and your love and loyalty will always be in our hearts!  I know you understand my need to open my heart to "My Stunning Mystery Companion"!

Keep Me in Your Heart For Awhile

My father passed away 21 years ago today.  While the crowds of 1991were consuming green beer, and for one day every one was Irish, he slipped away.  Always having been a man who enjoyed beer, I am sure he held no grudges on how other people were spending their day. 

I a  newly minted mother, proud of my three month old daughter, had slipped out to purchase hot dogs from my father's favorite place for the family at home.  When I returned, I received the news.  I have comforted myself with the idea that he needed to wait until his "baby" had left the house, to leave the house himself.  Sort of way my family operated, protect the baby, protect the weakest link, try to save them from pain.
Pain which, of course, no one can be protected from, and pain each person must experience unless they  chose to also give up the joy that love brings to life.

As "finally" a mother, I was not young, and although the family "baby", I was far from my babyhood, and already pretty skilled at storing loss and pain in the appropriate boxes,  away in my attic of memories too painful for me to want to take the lid off and examine.  I realized that day, that at 34 it was possible to still feel like an orphan, when both parents had passed away. 

My Dad left me with a lot of memories to fill the memory box in my heart.  Some great, some horrific, and some really, really funny.  He had a sense of humor and I developed that same dark sense of what can be considered funny.  He had a deep capacity to love, and to appreciate people, as they were, with what they brought to the table.  He had a great capacity to forgive others of their transgressions, and to try to understand where they were coming from, when they acted in a way he didn't understand.

He also provided me with my own personal set of fears, which I harbored from a young age.  He drank a lot, or was drunk a lot, and I cowered in the back seat when we would be driving home from places, fearful of being in an accident.  He was frequently unemployed, which left me with a fear of losing where we lived, and he certain, at least to me, seemed fragile, which left me without the feeling that he could take care of me, and my emotional needs.

All of that said, he was hysterically funny.  Loved to laugh, loved to joke.  He had three daughters, and I don't remember ever being told, that I should have been a boy.  He loved us, he loved my mother, he loved his grandchildren.  He told me my daughter, when he made the trip downstate to meet her for the first time, was the "prettiest baby ever", as I am sure he told my sisters about their children.  He believed that of all of them.  He, unlike me, had emotion.  I was often afraid, as his seemed to bubble up to the surface more than I was comfortable dealing with on a daily basis!  He was lucky to have those feelings, I now know.

My father, if he had heard his music, would have loved Warren Zevon.  My father loved music, mostly jazz.  However, Warren's dark humor would have been appreciated by my Dad.  I have chosen this song today, to honor my father, because of that feeling.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Many times when I am doing something simple around the house, I think of my father, and I smile.  I am not angry at him for the bad memories, I have used those as a springboard for forgiveness, and a memory of feelings I don't want my children to carry around throughout their lives. 

My father's memory box was the first one I was able to open in my head, and sort through.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I finally could feel the feelings, and hold the good memories close to me. 

I hold him in my thoughts, I take him to my dreams, and I know he left me with out loving me any less.

Thanks Dad!

The Load Out/ Stay

Today is my Birthday, 55 years old, six months older than my mother ever reached, and I really don't feel as if I am old, older, but not OLD.

I chose the Jackson Browne classic "The Load Out/Stay" to represent this birthday, for several reasons.  This has been a year of adjusting to changes.  There has been a change in what I do each day, a change in family structure as my kids are growing up, our old pets are departing at a rapid rate, and what was once a certainty is not anymore.

I remember hearing this song for the first time in 1978, which his actually the year my mother passed away.  There is mention of eight tracks, cassets and steroes.  At that time the roadies would come out and sing their part, etc. and the stadium would begin to empty as the band would sing sStay.  It was a great end to a concert, everyone singing their way to the exit, many stumbling, but we won't get into that!

We have all aged, I never had an eight track, but no one actually does now, cassets are unused in a box, and our stereo doesn't get much use at all.  My beautiful daughter is now in Australia "studying" criminal psychology, and my handsome son is living on campus at U of I, exploring gender studies with a interest in social work.  They are both, like me, interested in why people do what they do.  Interesting, as my prediction was that my son would be a developer of video games, and my daughter would work with young children, who had trouble verbally expressing themselves.  Am I disappointed?  No, I couldn't be prouder that these two young adults have grown up to follow their interests, in spite of me!! 

I so wanted them to Stay, to keep me feeling young, but it was time for them to Load Out, and grow, and I had to let them go.  They have provided me with such pleasure as I have watched them navigate the trials and tribulations of the life of young adults.  I want so badly to push fast forward, or at least select another track, to allow them to avoid the inevidable pain of growing up into adulthood, but life doesn't allow me to do this, so I watch, and hopefully provide a gentle place to land while they figure out what to do next.

If there was a happiness meter, I could say that I am probably 99% happier, than I was last year at this time.  Today my days are spent, playing, investigating, and laughing, with four fabulous young people between the ages of 1 and 4.  They remind me daily of the joy of life, the joy of simple things, like cake, bubbles, paint, and playdough.  They help me see the world through different glasses, and help me appreciate the beauty a day gives each of us to explore.  They help me remember that one "bad" moment in a day, doesn't make a bad day, and even if I think it does, there is always tomorrow.  However, in case there isn't tomorrow, live each day to the fullest.

I realized a few weeks ago, shock of shocks, I am slow to connect the dots!  That I have been married for 22 years, that my friends is a long time!  Mike and I have been given the gift of longevity, and the opportunity to establish a "new" life, without our eight tracks, without our children living at home, and although not in the greatest health, still with plenty of energy to learn new things, and explore things together.  Left with one semi old Beagle Basset, with a giant head, one old cat with a persistant loud meow, who stares at us all night, and one sweet old cat, who has been know to move into neighborhood homes when we travel, we are here with the opportunity to get to know each other again, as we have both changed as our life as evolved and our children have grown.

So, on this my 55th birthday, I am thankful for those in my life today, for the children who I enjoy each afternoon, and who provide me hours of fun, and laughter.  For their parents who share them with me, I blessed that have chosen to do that for me.  For my own children, whom I love to watch grow into adulthood, to my husband who puts up with me, and now has a life time worth of dish soap due to one of my cost saving adventures.  To my old pets, who remind me of the circle of life, and that it is alright to throw ones heart out there, even though sometimes there will be pain.  To my parents for having me, my siblings for helping to raise me, and there children who are older than mine, showing me that our family grows great young adults.

I am also thankful for Jackson Browne, his music has carried me through life.  He has gotten older, changed, and his music has developed and reflected those changes life brings.  I appreciate that he has not disappeared during the aging process, but continued to provide people like me, music and lyrics to help sort out their lives!

For a Dancer

For a Dancer, one of the Jackson Browne songs, known as a funeral song.  Somewhere I heard Jackson say that people often ask if there is an album of his that doesn't contain a song about people dying.  He replied that he is drawn to write about death, as it is one of the most difficult concepts for people to grasp, and so hard to understand.

 Into a dancer you have grown

From a seed somebody else has thrown

Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own

And somewhere between the time you arrive

And the time you go

May lie a reason you were alive

But you'll never know

Today is the anniversary of my Mother's death.  She was 54 when she died.  We shared a birth date.  I am 54, so I am exactly the age she was when she died.  I have an almost 21 year old daughter, and a 19 year old son.  I was 21 when my mother died.  I look at my children, and I am certain they are not yet ready to no longer be "mothered".  They are awesome young adults, and do a good job navigating the world they live in, but they still need their mother.  Although I didn't know it then, I am pretty sure I did too.

The quote above is one of my favorites Jackson Browne quotes.  There were several seeds that my mother threw that she never was able to meet, and know.  She was responsible for the birth of me, and my two older sisters, so she was therefore indirectly responsible for her grandchildren.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing Elizabeth, Naomi, Adam, Nick and Dan; my nieces and nephews into this world.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing the greatest gift I have ever to receive into this world, my children.  For without Katie and Andrew I would be nothing, they are my reason to exist, to pull my hair out in clumps, to laugh and to love.  They teach me patience, tolerance, and how to love on a daily basis.  They have taught me so much, opened my mind to understanding things which I would have never taken a chance at exploring, and they have taught me that my real dreams are not what I saw them becoming on the day they were born, but for their happiness and success in the life that they see for themselves!

Parenthood is probably not my greatest strength, but it is my greatest joy .  Mom, I am sorry you were robbed of that joy at such an early time, and that you could only imagine what was to become, and that you missed getting to know the fabulous people created by the seeds that you threw, and the reason you were alive.

Your absence in felt in your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren.  Thanks for the gift of life, I cherish it.

The Pretender

Say a prayer for the pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender

Halloween 1992

This is my family........when I was young and strong..........

This is my family now, and why I won't surrender!  They are the reason that it is time to change the way I live, even if it is a slow process.  I want them to be proud of me.  I want them to think of me as someone who can grow and change, and someone who can continue to learn new things. I am pretty sure that I still have the responsibility to act as a parent, even though they are growing older, and I hope that now we can take turns teaching each other new ways to live.

I am happy to say that the RECYCLING was picked up this week, and we successfully cut down on our amount of trash this week.  Another one of my goals along with being more environmentally friendly, is to cut down on the amount of "stuff" we seem to feel the need to collect in our house.  In our house is appears that once there is more than one of an item in someones possession, suddenly we are collecting, , and we need to have the more!  Then they collect dust in a corner, or a closet, or in the mother of all storage units, our garage! 

So, I have been taking my biodegradable trash bags and filling them with items to donate, and some that are becoming "extra" trash, but this is a one time event, to further enhance my living situation....even Jackson Browne would probably understand the need to down size once in a while.  I bet he doesn't have his children's dress up clothes in the "toy closet", and the "art box" from middle school, as well as a large tub of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head and the Tots...those are mine, and I plan on keeping all 200 pieces....

In reality I think that actually removing some of this "stuff" from the house in a step in moving forward to my next phase of life, the phase with out young children in the house.  Keeping play dough in the closet somehow made me feel that I didn't have to move on, that those days of kids in the house, play dates, swim meets, star wars guys and electric trains would come back.  If I waited for those days to return, then I wouldn't have to face the fact that it is time to move forward.

As my son went off to college this fall, and my daughter started planning to study abroad this summer, I found myself looking around my life.  I saw a Beagle who is looking old, not even older, but old.  A Bagel (Beagle/Basset) who is middle aged, three ancient cats, and two adults in their 50's, wondering what to do next.

My husband trying to reclaim his youth, began working out.  He spends hours swimming, rowing, and now running on campus, and I believe it is partially because he wants to pretend he is a college student.  However, he looks fantastic, is in great shape, and is running a 5k tomorrow, so it seems to work for him!  He is refusing to give up and get old, and I am proud of him.  Now, he is older than I, so he has had a few extra years to work through this feeling old stuff, so I am sure I will catch up, and figure it all out myself!

Maybe I can form a relationship with environmentally friendly living, similar to my husband;s relationship with swimming, rowing, and running.  Using my car less will help me get in better shape.  Once I am in better shape, I can drag more stuff to be recycled! 

 I realized that I am the same age as my mother was when she died, so I didn't have a mother to watch grow older, and see how that whole process works. So as my husband and I took on parenting with out our parents, we will take on growing old with style!  He will be in good shape, and I will help the earth become in better shape!

If I can continue to grow, change, learn and teach, then I guess I don't have to worry too much about becoming the Pretender. I need to remember that I have basic ideas of what I believe is important, and I still can make an impact in those areas, and also make an impact on areas I have yet to explore. I need to shake off the image that I am too old, to change, or to teach, a job which the energy of youth makes far easier, not to mention parents and children appreciate seeing a young, energetic teacher in their child's classroom, it's natures way!

To help become greener this week I joined several green websites, and their mailing groups.  I continue to wait for my "hopefully" more gentle bar shampoo to arrive.  I am using "green" trash bags, using my reusable shopping bags, walking to work when possible, recycling items when appropriate, and most of all, starting over again when I slide down into "waste land"!

Time the Conquerer

I've decided to blog the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head this past year, in hopes of getting a better understanding of myself, and maybe in the process help someone else who is struggling to find their place in the world.  So, first things first, I am not a Jackson Browne stalker!  The words he has written, through his life as a song writer, have been with me since my days as a confused high school student.  In college for awhile the words "I'm going back inside, turning out the lights, I'll be in the dark, but you'll be out of  sight" were dramatically applied to my dorm room door. 

These words written and sung by Jackson Browne, to help him explore his life and his feelings, explained my life and my feelings as well.  My friends also.  He understood life in a way that helped my group of friends and I understand where we were, what we felt, and what to do with those feelings.  Yes, we joked he was a "downer" and could make anyone feel their life was a bed of roses, but maybe that is what we needed back then!  He provided us with several songs that if needed could be played at a funeral, and the words that still today, I want etched on my tombstone.  That's a pretty good collection of material for someone who is under 20, but just the same he thought, he had emotion he wasn't afraid to express, and he used words in a way which was so beautiful, and articulate, there was no doubt that he was an incredibly intelligent person, and I would be foolish not to mention, that we found him incredibly attractive!

I never have stopped listening to Jackson's music.  In fact after much sole searching I discovered that the longest relationship that I have had in my life, is with his music.  Not with him, that would make me a stalker, but with his music.  His music and I have grown up together.  We have gone through difficult times together, we have changed and evolved together, we have matured together.

Going back to visit an old Jackson Browne song, is like going back to a specific moment in my life, and being able to take that time out of the box which I store it, look at it, examine it, and examine my feelings about that time.  This is what I have been doing over the past year.  It has been a difficult but therapeutic process.  I am not always proud of my past decisions, there are times in the life that were incredibly emotionally painful, that I had been avoiding thinking about for years, but it is necessary if I want to continue to grow and become the best person that I can possibly become.

This year is my first year with both of my children living out of the house.  I am officially an empty nester.  If you count that my nest is empty when besides my husband, I have the company of two dogs, three cats, and a turtle! 

I began the year feeling as if my life was closing in on me, wondering if I only had the chance to remember my past, and live in the present, could I still plan for the future? Going back and thinking about my past through Jackson's music, I see how he expresses that he is aging, and yes, he is older than I!  Yet, from listening to his words in songs, concerts, and interviews, I wondered if the man who had the words to inspire me to reflect on my life when I was younger, could provide the same wisdom as I struggled with the my new life, and what would be coming next for me?

Time may heal all wounds
But time will steal you blind
Time the wheel, time the conqueror

In this song Jackson wonders what kind of world he is a part of, and after I listened to it, I also wondered and reflected on my future.  Do I just bide my time into old age and be happy with what I have done to make my mark on the world in the past?  Am I too old and too set in my ways to do something new?  Can I make an impact on the future, learn something new, make my children proud of me?

I think of Jackson, he has never stopped changing and growing and trying to make an impact of the earth, the oceans, and help preserve the precious resources of our planet for the future generations.  I have been thinking about some of what I have heard him express about discontinuing the use of single use plastic, recycling, conserving energy, and keeping our oceans safe. 

I have decided to make a goal of taking better care of the environment.  Face it, anyone who has helped me so much through his songs, which explained my life, and helped me understand my feelings which allowed me to explore myself, and understand myself, couldn't be wrong about discontinuing the use of single use plastic.

April:  Month One

I will work at removing the use of plastic in my life.  I will be patient, I will persevere, when I fail, I will get up and try again.

Today I purchased reusable shopping bags, and reusable drink cups which are not plastic for me to take my necessary pepsi to work with me.  The reusable shopping bags should help me when buying the groceries for work, avoid the 7-10 plastic bags they are packaged in when I get to the register.

How did that work for me?  Well, I don't like doing things different, or drawing attention to myself, so I found myself in the grocery store and my reusable bags in the front seat of the car.  This probably happened because I was obsessing about what do with the reusable bags when I got to the register, do I bag my own since I am refusing their plastic, do I loudly say "I am saving the environment from plastic so I have my own bags!".  Not knowing probably scared me into leaving them in the car.  So, moving on, I am in the store, buying banana's no problem, I put them in the cart.  Then it's time for the apples and pears.  What the heck do I do with the loose fruit, just dump 20 apples, and 20 pears in my cart??  I make a mental note to google this when I get home.  Time is ticking, I decide to use as few plastic bags as possible, so I choose two, one for each type of fruit.  I move towards the cheese, and decide not to buy any, there is so much plastic involved, I fear that all of the fish in all of the oceans would be killed by this purchase.  Every cheese stick is encased in it's own plastic wrapper, then they are all stored in a larger plastic bag.  I decide that  a  large bag of cheese cubes, which could be purchased at another store would be a better choice.

Then to the register, where I say "paper" when asked the question, paper or plastic.  While in line I am able to observe other shoppers merely place their reusable shopping bags with their groceries, so I am aware of what to do next time!  I feel empowered as I attempt to load the heavy paper bags into my non hybrid vehicle, and motor on home.

As, I have said, this is journey not a sprint!

Thank you Jackson for helping me realize that I do still have the time to look towards the future, to change, to impact the world and the people around me.