Running on Empty

My daughter and I went to see Jackson in Indianapolis in mid August, had great seats, saw a great show, and then I was lucky enough to get this picture of her meeting Jackson after the show.  It was a beautiful night, and those of us waiting were told that Jackson would not be stopping to talk, sign, or take pictures as they had a long drive that night, but we could take pictures as he walked to the bus if we wanted to wait. Jackson, however, came out and walked directly to the fans who were waiting, posing for pictures, signing autographs, and talking with the crowd.  I personally have always wondered just how many of those black shirts he owns, as every time I have seen him in concert in the past two years, as well as in many You Tube videos he is wearing the faithful black button down.  My daughter indulged me and asked him, while I was attempting to take the picture as my phone battery was "running on empty".  The answer is three.  I then suggested that since my daughter will be a college graduate in need of employment, maybe she could be hired to wash and iron those shirts for him.  He told us he was responsible for that task!

I have taken my daughter to see Jackson several times, and each time we have, what I feel is a magical time.  The music of Jackson is something she enjoys, she has always found magic in music, and the healing power in songs, and singing.  So at this time in our lives we can deeply connect through a trip to a Jackson Browne concert.  I cherish this trips, at a time when my daughter is heading off in her own direction as a young adult, these moments are priceless.

I titled this post Running on Empty, which Jackson has described as being written about a time in life where he was "chasing the dream", and then "living the dream" and wondering if this is what he was looking for after all.

Many an afternoon or evening I can be found either walking with my I pod, volume turned way up, listening to Jackson Browne songs, sometimes the same one over and over, as I absorb the words and meanings, as they apply to my life; or watching YouTube on my computer, and enjoying the variety of Jackson Browne videos available for my viewing pleasure. 

Today while walking, listening to "Looking Into You" on repeat, as well as a few other favorites, I realized how lucky I am.  Even when I am "Running on Empty" which has been fairly constant over the past year or so, I have a place to go to figure things out.  I go to the words and music of Jackson Browne, and I listen, really listen to the words and what he is saying, and somehow I can always find comfort and peace.

I realize that not everyone has a special "safe place", a place to put reality into perspective.  I feel really blessed to have found this place as a teenager, and still have it today.  I am particularly thankful that Jackson has continue to write songs, to provide wisdom and thought provoking material over the past 30 plus years to provide a consistency in my life, and that I have had the opportunity to meet him and see what a genuine human being he seems to be.  In a world where many seem to be out to get what they need for themselves, it is really inspiring to see that there are still people who care about what happens outside of their personal bubble.

My personal goal would be to eventually tell him the impact his work has had on my life, and thank him.  As well as to have my husband and son also have their picture taken with him, to complete the set! 

 

Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I'm running behind

..............................................



Running on
You know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find
Running behind
Running into the sun but I'm running behind

 

 

At times I have thought that I was living my "dream", making a difference, changing someone else's life for the better, making an impact on the community in which I live; only to find that maybe it was a fantasy. 

 

Today I know that whatever I do, if I have honest intentions I can't go wrong.  When I don't know where I am "hoping to find", I can pop those head phones in my ears, and turn up the music, and soon I will feel at peace.

Alive in The World

I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world

The picture above was from a September evening in 2010.  My daughter and I went to the concert. I was suffering from a broken foot, wearing a stylish boot on my right foot.  My daughter, wanting to help complete items on my bucket list approached a gentleman who looked like he was "with the tour",  and I believe asked if there was any chance her mother could meet Mr. Browne.  At that time in my life, I was just realizing that I was experiencing some increase in health problems, and I frankly believed that if I was going to the get the chance to work on the items on my bucket list, this was the day.  So, my guess is, I looked pathetic!  The "official" looking man took us inside the Chicago Theater, and sat us down for sound check.  There he was, Jackson Browne, looking young, energetic and I felt 19 instead of 53!  Which at that moment was the age of my daughter.  The "official" looking man, came back after sound check, and presented me with a Jackson Browne guitar pick.  All that was before the concert even started, and I was pretty much already floating in the clouds.

Through out the rest of 2010 and the Spring of 2011 I continued to be plagued with increasing health problems, which I wanted to ignore.  I assumed that one day they would randomly disappear and I would be who I used to be.  Didn't happen.  As documented previously, I started a downward spiral of emotions, which caused me to turn strongly to the music of Jackson Browne, to listen carefully, to begin this blog, to eventually meet the man who wrote and performed the songs that I believe help me find my way in the world, and to eventually find the strength to leave my job of many years, trying to come to terms with the fact that I physically could no longer perform the job as I knew it needed to be done.

One year ago tomorrow, May 26, 2011, I left my job where I had worked for 17 years.  It is also the birthday of one of my favorite people in the world, who can't read but I am pretty sure knows how I feel.  Without this little person, and her family, and my family I don't know if I would have had to courage to move on, take care of myself, and begin to believe I could once again feel "Alive in the World".

I have documented my experience throughout this blog, my realizations, my feelings and thoughts as I taken this journey over the past twelve months.  This particular song, which I heard as I was driving around today, to me reminds me how far I have come.  I have forgiven myself for "failing" and developing health issues that forced my path to change.  I do want to live  in "the world", not behind a self created wall, or inside my head.  I do want to to take my chances, even though it may involve facing my fears. 

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world

With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world

To follow these words, in my life today, I can take the anniversary of the beginning of my new path in life and enjoy the changes. Feel, as I do, thankful that I am here Alive in the World.  Then continue moving forward, and take advantage of the "infinite power of change", and face my health issues head on, with out fear, and increase the time I have to "to open my eyes and fully arrive in the world". 

Thanks to everyone who has helped me this year, treating me with respect when I didn't respect myself, liking me when I was not incredibly likable, sharing your children with me and trusting me, when I wasn't sure if I would would ever feel that I was able to contribute to the world around me again.  Allowing me to recover, slowly and begin to take the next steps into my future life!  Teaching me to enjoy my life, each and every day.

Anything Can Happen

I listen to the music of Jackson Browne every day.  (Surprised?  I bet not!)  Sometimes I just have it on in the car and it is playing in the background while my self talk in my head plays on and on.  Other times I listen, really listen to the words and find myself able to apply parts of songs to my life, or use those lyrics to find comfort and peace with my personal world. 

The lyrics of Jackson Browne songs can change my way of accepting the events of my life, and they can have the same effect on me as some people receive reading passages of the Bible. Listening to the same lyrics at different times can cause me to come to understanding different situations, in my one and only life.

When I am having a "serious" listening experience, I always, always, always, find myself once again amazed that many of the lyrics which can affect my life so deeply were written by a young man who was between the ages of 16-and early 20's.  His use of language, words, metaphors, etc. never ceases to amaze me. Couple that with the fact that some 40 years later he is still writing, and creating equally as profound lyrical contribution to the music world, and of course, my life!

Here are a few of my favorite Jackson Browne quotes which have made a major impact of my life and times:

I'm going back inside and turning out those light
And I'll be in the dark but you'll be out of sight

(This quote was on the outside of my dorm room one year in college, can't remember why!)

I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again

(as my generation has grown older, I find it amusing that an audience full of middle aged fans-who if they are middle aged will live to be 100 +-can't seem to wait to join in when Jackson gets to the line "Get it up again"! Does it make us feel young?)

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

(I have asked that the last line appear on my headstone)

It's a hotel at best, you're here as a guest
You oughta make yourself at home while you're waiting for the rest
(Looking Into You is my favorite song of all, and after visiting the Abbey En Encino I love the song even more.  The most incredible home I have seen.)

Baby if you need me
Like I know I need you
There's just one thing
I'll ask you to do
Take my hand and lead me
To the hole in your garden wall
And pull me through
 (love this song, just love it)

They shot a man into the sky
The moon and stars became his bed
He saw the sun rise seven times
And when he came back down he said

It is one, it is one
One world spinning 'round the sun
Wherever it is you call home
Whatever country you come from
It is one, it is one, it is one, it is one
(So true, so simple, so profound.  Why doesn't the world realize this fact and act accordingly)

We watch the days we make our plans
We change in ways a life demands
I'll always remember this time, this place
The hope in your voice, the light on your face
Because anything can happen

There are oh so many more fabulous quotes and one liners, which supply at least  me with hours of thought about the world we live in, the way I want to conduct my life, the way I do conduct my life (which is not always the same), what I want for my children, their children, and the all of the children of the world.

We have a choice how to use our time in this world, we can use it for self satisfaction, we can use it for that as well as helping others, and we can use it to insure that this planet is still there intact for future generations to enjoy! For me it is a daily struggle to do my best at all of the above.

Jackson Browne was at least once heard to say "of my cheerful material, there isn't much", or at a concert I heard him say "now that I've played that song (The Load Out) it's back to the darkness now".  I have also heard him say that despite the tone of his music he is actually a very happy person.

I used to joke about listening to his music; which has a tendency to not be extremely upbeat; on such a regular basis.  For awhile I stopped listening, thinking it might be unhealthy to take in such sadness, and I was having serious trouble dealing with the emotions which were arose as his songs brought the past into my present.  However, here is the truth.  I can't be a happy person until I deal with the parts of my life that are/were less than joyful.  Listening to these songs, helps me take those difficult events from my life, find a comfortable way to live with them, and move forward to enjoy the joy of my everyday life.  Also, being able to forgive myself for some of my past choices, which I am not  proud of, leaves more room for enjoyment of each day, and feel the gratitude of being able to enjoy them.

Thanks Jackson!

Lawyers, Guns and Money

Another Warren Zevon favorite of mine, although I prefer Jackson's version of the song! Since we are naming our new puppy after Warren Zevon I have been thinking about his music, his behavior as described in "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead! The Dirty Life and Times of Warren Zevon" and his obviously long term friendship he had with Jackson Browne. It's apparent in the book, that their friendship continued until the end of Warren's life, although there were long periods of separation while they followed their own paths.

I believe Jackson Browne takes the oath of friendship very seriously, and he displays this even today, by playing tribute to Warren by covering his songs in his concerts. This is two fold, they are great songs, and it helps make sure that Warren isn't forgotten.

Warren was certainly a fantastic musician and song writer. However, in his personal life he made many "mistakes", caused various people emotional and physical pain, despite how hard he tried to "get it together" he missed out on large parts of his loved ones lives, improving relationships ironically in time to find out he was terminally ill.

So, why do I and many others love Warren Zevon? His music, his performances, his "deeply disturbed" (which I totally appreciate) sense of humor? How could I make the choice to name a sweet innocent gentle puppy after Warren Zevon?

In the world of people there are many kinds of people. Two of those kinds are Jackson Brownes and Warren Zevons. Bruce Springsteen described them as Cain and Able.

Today, when pondering the name of the new puppy, after having to explain to someone who Warren Zevon was, and what songs he wrote, I had an epiphany. Although, I have always wanted to be a Jackson Browne, I am really a Warren Zevon! I want to be a save the world, everyone loves me, all around good person. A person who weighs decisions and choices carefully, considering the risks of their actions. A person who is comfortable in their belief system, who wouldn\'t become hurt or angry when the need to defend those beliefs arises. A person who when someone hears their name they reply, " she is such a great person". However, I am really a "say things at the wrong time", "can't always follow through", "afraid to do a lot of simple things", very insecure person. I certainly did not dish out the physical and emotional abuse which Warren Zevon did in his "bad" days. However, as hard as I have tried the past 55 years I have done many things I wish I could undo.

When Warren Zevon passed away, many, many friends and fans felt the loss. His musician friends created a tribute album by covering some of his "best" songs. These people were able to see the real Warren Zevon, the Person who he really was, when some of his unfortunate behavior was peeled away.

Send Lawyers, Guns and Money

The shit has hit the fan!

 I have always loved that line, as it somehow, maybe not literally but figuratively been an applicable statement to a variety of events in my life!
So, I've come to the conclusion that most of us aren't Jackson Brownes, nor Warren Zevons but lie somewhere in between.

I am proudly naming our puppy Warren Zevon,because in reality nobody is perfect. We will love our little "Werewolf of Champaign", when he howls in the backyard. When I find myself angry that he has chewed a hole in a sofa pillow, chewed up a shoe, and other acts of destruction, I will remind myself that I am not really a Jackson Browne but more of a Warren Zevon myself!

Keep Me in Your Heart For Awhile

My father passed away 21 years ago today.  While the crowds of 1991were consuming green beer, and for one day every one was Irish, he slipped away.  Always having been a man who enjoyed beer, I am sure he held no grudges on how other people were spending their day. 

I a  newly minted mother, proud of my three month old daughter, had slipped out to purchase hot dogs from my father's favorite place for the family at home.  When I returned, I received the news.  I have comforted myself with the idea that he needed to wait until his "baby" had left the house, to leave the house himself.  Sort of way my family operated, protect the baby, protect the weakest link, try to save them from pain.
Pain which, of course, no one can be protected from, and pain each person must experience unless they  chose to also give up the joy that love brings to life.

As "finally" a mother, I was not young, and although the family "baby", I was far from my babyhood, and already pretty skilled at storing loss and pain in the appropriate boxes,  away in my attic of memories too painful for me to want to take the lid off and examine.  I realized that day, that at 34 it was possible to still feel like an orphan, when both parents had passed away. 

My Dad left me with a lot of memories to fill the memory box in my heart.  Some great, some horrific, and some really, really funny.  He had a sense of humor and I developed that same dark sense of what can be considered funny.  He had a deep capacity to love, and to appreciate people, as they were, with what they brought to the table.  He had a great capacity to forgive others of their transgressions, and to try to understand where they were coming from, when they acted in a way he didn't understand.

He also provided me with my own personal set of fears, which I harbored from a young age.  He drank a lot, or was drunk a lot, and I cowered in the back seat when we would be driving home from places, fearful of being in an accident.  He was frequently unemployed, which left me with a fear of losing where we lived, and he certain, at least to me, seemed fragile, which left me without the feeling that he could take care of me, and my emotional needs.

All of that said, he was hysterically funny.  Loved to laugh, loved to joke.  He had three daughters, and I don't remember ever being told, that I should have been a boy.  He loved us, he loved my mother, he loved his grandchildren.  He told me my daughter, when he made the trip downstate to meet her for the first time, was the "prettiest baby ever", as I am sure he told my sisters about their children.  He believed that of all of them.  He, unlike me, had emotion.  I was often afraid, as his seemed to bubble up to the surface more than I was comfortable dealing with on a daily basis!  He was lucky to have those feelings, I now know.

My father, if he had heard his music, would have loved Warren Zevon.  My father loved music, mostly jazz.  However, Warren's dark humor would have been appreciated by my Dad.  I have chosen this song today, to honor my father, because of that feeling.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Many times when I am doing something simple around the house, I think of my father, and I smile.  I am not angry at him for the bad memories, I have used those as a springboard for forgiveness, and a memory of feelings I don't want my children to carry around throughout their lives. 

My father's memory box was the first one I was able to open in my head, and sort through.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I finally could feel the feelings, and hold the good memories close to me. 

I hold him in my thoughts, I take him to my dreams, and I know he left me with out loving me any less.

Thanks Dad!

The Load Out/ Stay

Today is my Birthday, 55 years old, six months older than my mother ever reached, and I really don't feel as if I am old, older, but not OLD.

I chose the Jackson Browne classic "The Load Out/Stay" to represent this birthday, for several reasons.  This has been a year of adjusting to changes.  There has been a change in what I do each day, a change in family structure as my kids are growing up, our old pets are departing at a rapid rate, and what was once a certainty is not anymore.

I remember hearing this song for the first time in 1978, which his actually the year my mother passed away.  There is mention of eight tracks, cassets and steroes.  At that time the roadies would come out and sing their part, etc. and the stadium would begin to empty as the band would sing sStay.  It was a great end to a concert, everyone singing their way to the exit, many stumbling, but we won't get into that!

We have all aged, I never had an eight track, but no one actually does now, cassets are unused in a box, and our stereo doesn't get much use at all.  My beautiful daughter is now in Australia "studying" criminal psychology, and my handsome son is living on campus at U of I, exploring gender studies with a interest in social work.  They are both, like me, interested in why people do what they do.  Interesting, as my prediction was that my son would be a developer of video games, and my daughter would work with young children, who had trouble verbally expressing themselves.  Am I disappointed?  No, I couldn't be prouder that these two young adults have grown up to follow their interests, in spite of me!! 

I so wanted them to Stay, to keep me feeling young, but it was time for them to Load Out, and grow, and I had to let them go.  They have provided me with such pleasure as I have watched them navigate the trials and tribulations of the life of young adults.  I want so badly to push fast forward, or at least select another track, to allow them to avoid the inevidable pain of growing up into adulthood, but life doesn't allow me to do this, so I watch, and hopefully provide a gentle place to land while they figure out what to do next.

If there was a happiness meter, I could say that I am probably 99% happier, than I was last year at this time.  Today my days are spent, playing, investigating, and laughing, with four fabulous young people between the ages of 1 and 4.  They remind me daily of the joy of life, the joy of simple things, like cake, bubbles, paint, and playdough.  They help me see the world through different glasses, and help me appreciate the beauty a day gives each of us to explore.  They help me remember that one "bad" moment in a day, doesn't make a bad day, and even if I think it does, there is always tomorrow.  However, in case there isn't tomorrow, live each day to the fullest.

I realized a few weeks ago, shock of shocks, I am slow to connect the dots!  That I have been married for 22 years, that my friends is a long time!  Mike and I have been given the gift of longevity, and the opportunity to establish a "new" life, without our eight tracks, without our children living at home, and although not in the greatest health, still with plenty of energy to learn new things, and explore things together.  Left with one semi old Beagle Basset, with a giant head, one old cat with a persistant loud meow, who stares at us all night, and one sweet old cat, who has been know to move into neighborhood homes when we travel, we are here with the opportunity to get to know each other again, as we have both changed as our life as evolved and our children have grown.

So, on this my 55th birthday, I am thankful for those in my life today, for the children who I enjoy each afternoon, and who provide me hours of fun, and laughter.  For their parents who share them with me, I blessed that have chosen to do that for me.  For my own children, whom I love to watch grow into adulthood, to my husband who puts up with me, and now has a life time worth of dish soap due to one of my cost saving adventures.  To my old pets, who remind me of the circle of life, and that it is alright to throw ones heart out there, even though sometimes there will be pain.  To my parents for having me, my siblings for helping to raise me, and there children who are older than mine, showing me that our family grows great young adults.

I am also thankful for Jackson Browne, his music has carried me through life.  He has gotten older, changed, and his music has developed and reflected those changes life brings.  I appreciate that he has not disappeared during the aging process, but continued to provide people like me, music and lyrics to help sort out their lives!

For a Dancer

For a Dancer, one of the Jackson Browne songs, known as a funeral song.  Somewhere I heard Jackson say that people often ask if there is an album of his that doesn't contain a song about people dying.  He replied that he is drawn to write about death, as it is one of the most difficult concepts for people to grasp, and so hard to understand.

 Into a dancer you have grown

From a seed somebody else has thrown

Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own

And somewhere between the time you arrive

And the time you go

May lie a reason you were alive

But you'll never know

Today is the anniversary of my Mother's death.  She was 54 when she died.  We shared a birth date.  I am 54, so I am exactly the age she was when she died.  I have an almost 21 year old daughter, and a 19 year old son.  I was 21 when my mother died.  I look at my children, and I am certain they are not yet ready to no longer be "mothered".  They are awesome young adults, and do a good job navigating the world they live in, but they still need their mother.  Although I didn't know it then, I am pretty sure I did too.

The quote above is one of my favorites Jackson Browne quotes.  There were several seeds that my mother threw that she never was able to meet, and know.  She was responsible for the birth of me, and my two older sisters, so she was therefore indirectly responsible for her grandchildren.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing Elizabeth, Naomi, Adam, Nick and Dan; my nieces and nephews into this world.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing the greatest gift I have ever to receive into this world, my children.  For without Katie and Andrew I would be nothing, they are my reason to exist, to pull my hair out in clumps, to laugh and to love.  They teach me patience, tolerance, and how to love on a daily basis.  They have taught me so much, opened my mind to understanding things which I would have never taken a chance at exploring, and they have taught me that my real dreams are not what I saw them becoming on the day they were born, but for their happiness and success in the life that they see for themselves!

Parenthood is probably not my greatest strength, but it is my greatest joy .  Mom, I am sorry you were robbed of that joy at such an early time, and that you could only imagine what was to become, and that you missed getting to know the fabulous people created by the seeds that you threw, and the reason you were alive.

Your absence in felt in your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren.  Thanks for the gift of life, I cherish it.

The Pretender

Say a prayer for the pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender

Halloween 1992

This is my family........when I was young and strong..........

This is my family now, and why I won't surrender!  They are the reason that it is time to change the way I live, even if it is a slow process.  I want them to be proud of me.  I want them to think of me as someone who can grow and change, and someone who can continue to learn new things. I am pretty sure that I still have the responsibility to act as a parent, even though they are growing older, and I hope that now we can take turns teaching each other new ways to live.

I am happy to say that the RECYCLING was picked up this week, and we successfully cut down on our amount of trash this week.  Another one of my goals along with being more environmentally friendly, is to cut down on the amount of "stuff" we seem to feel the need to collect in our house.  In our house is appears that once there is more than one of an item in someones possession, suddenly we are collecting, , and we need to have the more!  Then they collect dust in a corner, or a closet, or in the mother of all storage units, our garage! 

So, I have been taking my biodegradable trash bags and filling them with items to donate, and some that are becoming "extra" trash, but this is a one time event, to further enhance my living situation....even Jackson Browne would probably understand the need to down size once in a while.  I bet he doesn't have his children's dress up clothes in the "toy closet", and the "art box" from middle school, as well as a large tub of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head and the Tots...those are mine, and I plan on keeping all 200 pieces....

In reality I think that actually removing some of this "stuff" from the house in a step in moving forward to my next phase of life, the phase with out young children in the house.  Keeping play dough in the closet somehow made me feel that I didn't have to move on, that those days of kids in the house, play dates, swim meets, star wars guys and electric trains would come back.  If I waited for those days to return, then I wouldn't have to face the fact that it is time to move forward.

As my son went off to college this fall, and my daughter started planning to study abroad this summer, I found myself looking around my life.  I saw a Beagle who is looking old, not even older, but old.  A Bagel (Beagle/Basset) who is middle aged, three ancient cats, and two adults in their 50's, wondering what to do next.

My husband trying to reclaim his youth, began working out.  He spends hours swimming, rowing, and now running on campus, and I believe it is partially because he wants to pretend he is a college student.  However, he looks fantastic, is in great shape, and is running a 5k tomorrow, so it seems to work for him!  He is refusing to give up and get old, and I am proud of him.  Now, he is older than I, so he has had a few extra years to work through this feeling old stuff, so I am sure I will catch up, and figure it all out myself!

Maybe I can form a relationship with environmentally friendly living, similar to my husband;s relationship with swimming, rowing, and running.  Using my car less will help me get in better shape.  Once I am in better shape, I can drag more stuff to be recycled! 

 I realized that I am the same age as my mother was when she died, so I didn't have a mother to watch grow older, and see how that whole process works. So as my husband and I took on parenting with out our parents, we will take on growing old with style!  He will be in good shape, and I will help the earth become in better shape!

If I can continue to grow, change, learn and teach, then I guess I don't have to worry too much about becoming the Pretender. I need to remember that I have basic ideas of what I believe is important, and I still can make an impact in those areas, and also make an impact on areas I have yet to explore. I need to shake off the image that I am too old, to change, or to teach, a job which the energy of youth makes far easier, not to mention parents and children appreciate seeing a young, energetic teacher in their child's classroom, it's natures way!

To help become greener this week I joined several green websites, and their mailing groups.  I continue to wait for my "hopefully" more gentle bar shampoo to arrive.  I am using "green" trash bags, using my reusable shopping bags, walking to work when possible, recycling items when appropriate, and most of all, starting over again when I slide down into "waste land"!