Sing My Songs to Me

Sing my songs to me
Sing them to me softly
Sing me sunlight and shadows
Orange groves and meadows
Let your voice ring back my memories
Sing my songs to me

This song was in my wedding.  Why?  What was the special meaning? The special meaning arrived after our wedding, when it became "the Jackson Browne song that was in our wedding".  It was chosen because, I insisted that there be a song by Jackson Browne in our wedding ceremony.  For various reasons most of his songs were eliminated right off the bat.  After all it was 1989, and the reason that I was drawn to his music was the ability it had to help me work through the difficult times in my life.  So my favorites at that time, "For a Dancer", "Here Come Those Tears Again", and "Bright Baby Blues", "Lives in the Balance", even the "Rehab version of Cocaine" were really not going to work.

Bring my dreams to me
Bring them from the darkness
Let the minutes and hours
Show my mind strange new flowers
But I'd like to know where they go
When the morning comes
Bring my dreams to me

I spent literally hours listening to Jackson Browne songs, which was a job which I loved, however, without the Internet I had to find the cassette tapes, and boxes so I had the various words just to make sure I didn't make a mistake, misunderstand a lyric, and play a song like "Rosie" believing it meant something else.  I did hear him later say that the original words in  "Sing My Songs to Me", were oranges and yellows in reference to various colors of pills he stored in his room at the time, instead of of "orange groves and meadows",  I would have chosen the song even if I knew that then, because frankly that is quite funny.

My point here is that I was tenacious in my quest to find a song of Jackson Browne's to play at my wedding.  Even though I will have quite a selection for family funerals, what is really on my mind is tenacity.

For the last two weeks when I have headed out to my car to start my day, I have noticed a spider web on the side view mirror.  There has also been a larger one on the hatch back door.  The first day, I brushed them away, thinking to myself, I must really be a slob to have not noticed my car has been taken over with spider webs, I need to get it together.  Each morning said spiders had elaborately spun a more intricate web than the day before, and each morning I knocked it away, knowing that Jackson would probably have the spiders transplanted to a special habitat where they could live out their lives without me destroying their hard work daily.  Maybe, I thought, the message is to get a more earth friendly car, a hybrid, or electric.  Then it hit me, man those spiders are tenacious.

My thoughts drifted to my children, whom I have always hoped to instill tenacity, so they would have the inner strength to do with their life what they desired, and follow their dreams. I don't really view myself as a tenacious individual, but I have put that on my list of skills to work on developing.  My son just built the Taj Mahal,  out of legos, but a job which took tenacity, and my dogs are trying to remove the family room carpet string by string, while no one catches them, so they are covered.

Then there is my daughter, who has incredible tenacity but doesn't even know she how much she actually has.  Until she was 15 she was unable to speak to adults outside of her father, mother, and a few teachers.  She had what we now know is Selective Mutism.  When I finally found that as a diagnosis, I began dialing for doctors to find someone to work with her, and we were lucky to find someone who could help her work through this debilitating condition, allowing her to take on the same challenges other's her age are engaging in.  When she was 15, I wondered how if ever she would be able to get a driver's license, because she had to get in the car with a strange man, and in our neck of the woods, usually quite grumpy, take his direction, and drive.  At this point ordering food in a restaurant was challenging. 

Then before I knew it, my daughter headed off to attend college, on her own, knowing no one from her past life to help her into her new life, and became a college student.  Now that is one tenacious person.  I was close, but not close enough to assist with getting tasks done, and she was over the age of 18 so there were things I legally could not help her with even if I was present. She occasionally stumbled and fell, but got back up and tried again, and never ran home for safety. 

I began to watch videos on "you tube" by teens and young adults with selective mutism, and I became more in awe everyday with her tenacity.  I suggest everyone watches a few so they can get an inside look at what hell these kids go through on a daily basis, while others around them think they are snobs, stupid, and incapable of trying just a little bit harder.

The first moment I really, really, really, saw the change in my daughter was in Chicago in September 2010.  We were at a Jackson Browne concert, and as I have mentioned before, she asked someone if her mother could possibly meet him.  A stranger, in an alley, in Chicago!  My life changed that day for several reasons, but one of them was seeing the strength of my daughter reaching new heights.

As I write this I am anticipating her return from a year "studying" in Australia.  I know that she has had a fabulous time, and that she feels she has met her future.  She wants to return to live in Melbourne, go through her life down under, where she and I will not even be existing in the same day, let alone hemisphere.  Although she must return to finish her bachelors degree in Chicago, she plans on returning to Australia.  So, as hard as this is for me to do, I wish her the tenacity to do what she needs to do to find her way back, if that is where her dreams lie.  I will be happy to Sing Her Songs to Her, but she will need to do the work, find the path, the means both financial and educational to make this happen.  Although I can't fathom a life with either one of my children living so far away, especially due to my anxiety of travel, her happiness is of utmost importance. While sharing her life I learned so much from this young woman, that I am sure I can learn to experience some time outside of the United States.

Because it seems to me that there may never be
A better chance to see who I am
Come timelessly dancing
Through my dreams to me

Anything Can Happen

I listen to the music of Jackson Browne every day.  (Surprised?  I bet not!)  Sometimes I just have it on in the car and it is playing in the background while my self talk in my head plays on and on.  Other times I listen, really listen to the words and find myself able to apply parts of songs to my life, or use those lyrics to find comfort and peace with my personal world. 

The lyrics of Jackson Browne songs can change my way of accepting the events of my life, and they can have the same effect on me as some people receive reading passages of the Bible. Listening to the same lyrics at different times can cause me to come to understanding different situations, in my one and only life.

When I am having a "serious" listening experience, I always, always, always, find myself once again amazed that many of the lyrics which can affect my life so deeply were written by a young man who was between the ages of 16-and early 20's.  His use of language, words, metaphors, etc. never ceases to amaze me. Couple that with the fact that some 40 years later he is still writing, and creating equally as profound lyrical contribution to the music world, and of course, my life!

Here are a few of my favorite Jackson Browne quotes which have made a major impact of my life and times:

I'm going back inside and turning out those light
And I'll be in the dark but you'll be out of sight

(This quote was on the outside of my dorm room one year in college, can't remember why!)

I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again

(as my generation has grown older, I find it amusing that an audience full of middle aged fans-who if they are middle aged will live to be 100 +-can't seem to wait to join in when Jackson gets to the line "Get it up again"! Does it make us feel young?)

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

(I have asked that the last line appear on my headstone)

It's a hotel at best, you're here as a guest
You oughta make yourself at home while you're waiting for the rest
(Looking Into You is my favorite song of all, and after visiting the Abbey En Encino I love the song even more.  The most incredible home I have seen.)

Baby if you need me
Like I know I need you
There's just one thing
I'll ask you to do
Take my hand and lead me
To the hole in your garden wall
And pull me through
 (love this song, just love it)

They shot a man into the sky
The moon and stars became his bed
He saw the sun rise seven times
And when he came back down he said

It is one, it is one
One world spinning 'round the sun
Wherever it is you call home
Whatever country you come from
It is one, it is one, it is one, it is one
(So true, so simple, so profound.  Why doesn't the world realize this fact and act accordingly)

We watch the days we make our plans
We change in ways a life demands
I'll always remember this time, this place
The hope in your voice, the light on your face
Because anything can happen

There are oh so many more fabulous quotes and one liners, which supply at least  me with hours of thought about the world we live in, the way I want to conduct my life, the way I do conduct my life (which is not always the same), what I want for my children, their children, and the all of the children of the world.

We have a choice how to use our time in this world, we can use it for self satisfaction, we can use it for that as well as helping others, and we can use it to insure that this planet is still there intact for future generations to enjoy! For me it is a daily struggle to do my best at all of the above.

Jackson Browne was at least once heard to say "of my cheerful material, there isn't much", or at a concert I heard him say "now that I've played that song (The Load Out) it's back to the darkness now".  I have also heard him say that despite the tone of his music he is actually a very happy person.

I used to joke about listening to his music; which has a tendency to not be extremely upbeat; on such a regular basis.  For awhile I stopped listening, thinking it might be unhealthy to take in such sadness, and I was having serious trouble dealing with the emotions which were arose as his songs brought the past into my present.  However, here is the truth.  I can't be a happy person until I deal with the parts of my life that are/were less than joyful.  Listening to these songs, helps me take those difficult events from my life, find a comfortable way to live with them, and move forward to enjoy the joy of my everyday life.  Also, being able to forgive myself for some of my past choices, which I am not  proud of, leaves more room for enjoyment of each day, and feel the gratitude of being able to enjoy them.

Thanks Jackson!

Lawyers, Guns and Money

Another Warren Zevon favorite of mine, although I prefer Jackson's version of the song! Since we are naming our new puppy after Warren Zevon I have been thinking about his music, his behavior as described in "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead! The Dirty Life and Times of Warren Zevon" and his obviously long term friendship he had with Jackson Browne. It's apparent in the book, that their friendship continued until the end of Warren's life, although there were long periods of separation while they followed their own paths.

I believe Jackson Browne takes the oath of friendship very seriously, and he displays this even today, by playing tribute to Warren by covering his songs in his concerts. This is two fold, they are great songs, and it helps make sure that Warren isn't forgotten.

Warren was certainly a fantastic musician and song writer. However, in his personal life he made many "mistakes", caused various people emotional and physical pain, despite how hard he tried to "get it together" he missed out on large parts of his loved ones lives, improving relationships ironically in time to find out he was terminally ill.

So, why do I and many others love Warren Zevon? His music, his performances, his "deeply disturbed" (which I totally appreciate) sense of humor? How could I make the choice to name a sweet innocent gentle puppy after Warren Zevon?

In the world of people there are many kinds of people. Two of those kinds are Jackson Brownes and Warren Zevons. Bruce Springsteen described them as Cain and Able.

Today, when pondering the name of the new puppy, after having to explain to someone who Warren Zevon was, and what songs he wrote, I had an epiphany. Although, I have always wanted to be a Jackson Browne, I am really a Warren Zevon! I want to be a save the world, everyone loves me, all around good person. A person who weighs decisions and choices carefully, considering the risks of their actions. A person who is comfortable in their belief system, who wouldn\'t become hurt or angry when the need to defend those beliefs arises. A person who when someone hears their name they reply, " she is such a great person". However, I am really a "say things at the wrong time", "can't always follow through", "afraid to do a lot of simple things", very insecure person. I certainly did not dish out the physical and emotional abuse which Warren Zevon did in his "bad" days. However, as hard as I have tried the past 55 years I have done many things I wish I could undo.

When Warren Zevon passed away, many, many friends and fans felt the loss. His musician friends created a tribute album by covering some of his "best" songs. These people were able to see the real Warren Zevon, the Person who he really was, when some of his unfortunate behavior was peeled away.

Send Lawyers, Guns and Money

The shit has hit the fan!

 I have always loved that line, as it somehow, maybe not literally but figuratively been an applicable statement to a variety of events in my life!
So, I've come to the conclusion that most of us aren't Jackson Brownes, nor Warren Zevons but lie somewhere in between.

I am proudly naming our puppy Warren Zevon,because in reality nobody is perfect. We will love our little "Werewolf of Champaign", when he howls in the backyard. When I find myself angry that he has chewed a hole in a sofa pillow, chewed up a shoe, and other acts of destruction, I will remind myself that I am not really a Jackson Browne but more of a Warren Zevon myself!

Don't Let Us Get Sick

I know this is a Warren Zevon song, but Jackson sings it now, and he sang it the night I saw him in Wisconsin.  Warren was a "harder version" of Jackson, with a really dark sense of humor, which portrays the kind of irony that I enjoy. I believe Bruce Springsteen referred to them as Cain and Abel, and I see that as a really good analogy.

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

I heard this song last night as I was reading "Do One Green Thing Saving the Earth Through Simple, Everyday Choices".  My mind wandered from "saving yourself from the bottled water habit"; if every American stopped buying water in disposable bottles Americans would save 54 million barrels of oil, used during the plastic making process, pumping, processing and transporting and refrigerating the bottles, which is the same amount used running 3 million cars for a year.

As staggering of a thought as that is, the ability to make something like this, would evaporate:

Yes!  It's a bed made out of plastic bottles, contained in a house made out of plastic bottles!  Now that is recycling.

Ok back to where my head was at last night.  The lines "just make us be brave, and let us play nice" brought up quite a bit to think about.  Why would one have to be brave to play nice?  Why is it so hard for adults to play nice?

Preschool children overall are naturally accepting and kind people.  Their developmental stages of life, may cause them to impulsively have actions that appear to adults to be "not playing nice", but usually those are just that , impulsive, their brains are not developed enough to know that grabbing a toy, pushing another child, etc. is not playing nice.  Two seconds later, the children who just finished what appeared to be a battle over a toy, are best friends, holding hands, hugging each other, etc.  Their actions are not purposeful, they do not plan harm to another individual, and they don't watch to see how the other children in their class, relate to another child, to decide how they are going to behave.  They are too egocentric to need another person to tell them who to want to play with!

It's only when the outside world intervenes, and "helps" them see who they are "supposed" to play with, who they are "supposed" to ignore, and who is "different", and they should back off, and stay away.  Children are naturally, instinctively nice to those who are nice to them, and respectful to those who respect them. 

That brings me to something I have been spending a lot of time thinking about lately.  Why are adults, who should know better, not as kind and understanding as children? It seems to me that it is often difficult for adults to make up their own minds regarding certain issues.  In fact, not only will some adults have difficulty making up their own minds, they will blindly accept another person's version of an incident, or impression of another person without even doing their own research, and either going to the source for information and making their own decision, and if they already have their own opinion, stating their thoughts on the matter.  Why are adults so afraid?  Is it the social implications of making an unpopular choice?  Is it the fear of their status in a particular community?  How do people sleep well at night letting others make their decisions for them, who to like, who not to like, who to invite, who not to invite.  Some situations where individuals allow others to make their decisions, while allowing them to maintain a certain comfort in social situations, could possibly be causing a person outside of their social circle a hardship, to experience anxiety, pain, confusion, social isolation, etc. and more.  Is being comfortable with one's place in the social hierarchy worth causing other's pain?

I bet everyone out there sees the above paragraph to be an accurate picture of middle school and high school, which in itself is a huge problem, which schools and parents must address.  However, I am talking about full fledged grown ups, parents raising children, who will end up do what they see their parent's doing.  Unless one of these adults has a child who mistakenly becomes a target, none of these adults will be able to see the error of their ways, and how their inability to think for themselves, and stand up for others and treat everyone with the respect that they deserve, might really being hurting someone, who may not be someone in their "circle" but none the less a person.

I go to sleep every night hoping that I have "played nice", and when I haven't, the words that I may have said, the thought that I may have conveyed, run through my brain, and I am ashamed.  To look for the good in everyone, to try to see the place where they are, and where they came from is what every person deserves.  Only then can two adults have a conversation which allows problems to be solved, and people to move forward in a dignified manner.  Everyone is insecure, at least to some extent, to use one's insecurities to hurt someone else, is not a behavior we want children to observe.

Jackson Browne states his opinions, his values, and what he believe's in, without feeling ashamed.  When is music took a political turn, and people began to wish he would return to more personal lyric, he borrowed a few words from Little Steven and said, "there is nothing more personal that one's politics".  The point being, standing up for what someone believes to be correct, that means what they themselves believe, not what they are told to believe is a noble trait.

That said, Jackson has been promoting Earth friendly practices for years, it's only now that I am taking a serious look at doing the same,  when I met him, he still was still nice and respectful, without first asking me if I drank bottled water!  That type of comfort with his own ideals is what made me want to take a second look at how I treat the environment.  He is believes in the power of attraction, not the power if promotion.

If I can promote anything, I hope it is that adults should treat all people with respect, try to understand when they are coming from, and make our choices based on reality, not someone else's perception!

Today I ordered dog chewies in bulk, to be delivered in a box, which can be recycled!  Tomorrow, I am really, really going to make plarn.  I have to, my husband brought the groceries home in plastic bags!  I am also going to try to make a basket out of magazines!

The Naked Ride Home

Today I awoke with good intentions with several things I wanted to do to continue my journey to be kinder to the Earth. As I scrubbed my hair with my bar of hemp, and I could feel the eyes of my plastic shampoo bottles, sadly watching me feeling abandoned.  On my list today was to locate reusable soap dispensers, automatic so they won't become slimy and disgusting, and to use with excitement my biodegradable kitchen trash bag.

I proudly put my biodegradable bag in my kitchen trash can:


Two Earth friendly activities taken care of.  I collected recyclables around the house, as tomorrow is garbage day, and put in a load of laundry with my new environmentally friendly packaged laundry soap.  A good day was beginning.

Here's were I seemed to have lost focus: 

By the time I got home from shopping, complete with my new soap dispensers and new athletic shoes, which should allow me to walk to work leaving the gas guzzler behind occasionally, I found myself holding FOUR plastic shopping bags.  The only time I was able to muster up the courage to say that I didn't need a bag was at the grocery store!  I did purchase my meat at the meat counter to avoid plastic, but most likely I was able to do this, just so I could use the words "meat counter" or "meat man" while blogging.  Somethings are worth the awkward feeling of behaving differently!

So, I stumbled, but I am already up, and ready to try again!

The real reason for this blog, is as I have said for me to work through some current issues, get a chance to write down the thoughts that swirl through my head, as I make some major life changes.  Change feels awkward to me, and I get uncomfortable, so I find myself continuing relationships, behaviors, or habits which are against my better judgement to avoid the discomfort.

Hence, the title The Naked Ride Home.  No, I didn't go shopping naked, but to be naked, or feel naked, is the most exposed an individual could ever be, and exposure of any sort makes me uncomfortable.  The song is about a couple, who is towards the end of their relationship, and the last ditch efforts the man puts forth to pretend it isn't so.  Now, let's get past the fact that he is driving on the freeway in LA, drunk, with a naked woman, and get into the meaning that this song has for me.

I have a dysfunctional relationship with my job.  We have been together in some form or another for 17 or so years, give or take a few weeks.  It was never my intention to spend such a long time in this particular place of employment.  It wasn't helping me plan for retirement or providing me benefits to better my future life or the life of my family. 

What this job did was at least in the beginning, provided me with a place where I felt competent, secure, valued, and as if I really mattered. As in any dysfunctional relationship, as things changed, and I didn't feel as competent, as valued, I wanted to make it better, so those feelings would return.  I got to the point where I took on an opportunity with a time commitment which was way above my stamina, physical work which was too much for my current health situation, probably because I was not yet ready to admit that I was going to fail, and find my self on the "Naked Ride Home".  Exposed, sad, lonely....

I had the exciting opportunity to see Jackson Browne this past fall in a very small 50 person acoustic concert in Sturgeon Bay Wisconsin.  He was fabulous.  He sang the Naked Ride Home, and played in on the piano as he has left the correct guitar behind.  Well, when he had trouble with the words, I had the opportunity to "help" him recover the words, and even banter with him, when I thought he was wrong.  It was an awesome experience.  First of all, no one knew me, so I wasn't as intimidated as I would have been, and because it was such a surreal setting it was hard to believe it was real, so I was comfortable, he made fun of me telling him he was wrong, and everyone laughed. 

Today, as I thought about my life, I realized it was no accident that the song he forgot, and the song that will forever be etched in my mind, is the Naked Ride Home.  As I continue with the transition out of the dysfunctional relationship with my current job, I constantly feel exposed, as others discuss my short comings.  I found myself in a place where I expected to be receiving praise, thanks, and maybe a bonus(!), to really being "stripped naked" and made to realize that it was time, time to move forward, and stop trying to repair something which can't be repaired by me.  It is someone elses turn.

So, tomorrow I will awake, and again continue on my way to be environmentally friendly, I hope to continue to have more realizations about myself and my circumstances, for even feeling "naked" and uncomfortable as it may feel, is the beginning of the journey which is the rest of my life.