Warren Zevon - Keep Me In Your Heart

Keep Me in Your Heart For Awhile

My father passed away 21 years ago today.  While the crowds of 1991were consuming green beer, and for one day every one was Irish, he slipped away.  Always having been a man who enjoyed beer, I am sure he held no grudges on how other people were spending their day. 

I a  newly minted mother, proud of my three month old daughter, had slipped out to purchase hot dogs from my father's favorite place for the family at home.  When I returned, I received the news.  I have comforted myself with the idea that he needed to wait until his "baby" had left the house, to leave the house himself.  Sort of way my family operated, protect the baby, protect the weakest link, try to save them from pain.
Pain which, of course, no one can be protected from, and pain each person must experience unless they  chose to also give up the joy that love brings to life.

As "finally" a mother, I was not young, and although the family "baby", I was far from my babyhood, and already pretty skilled at storing loss and pain in the appropriate boxes,  away in my attic of memories too painful for me to want to take the lid off and examine.  I realized that day, that at 34 it was possible to still feel like an orphan, when both parents had passed away. 

My Dad left me with a lot of memories to fill the memory box in my heart.  Some great, some horrific, and some really, really funny.  He had a sense of humor and I developed that same dark sense of what can be considered funny.  He had a deep capacity to love, and to appreciate people, as they were, with what they brought to the table.  He had a great capacity to forgive others of their transgressions, and to try to understand where they were coming from, when they acted in a way he didn't understand.

He also provided me with my own personal set of fears, which I harbored from a young age.  He drank a lot, or was drunk a lot, and I cowered in the back seat when we would be driving home from places, fearful of being in an accident.  He was frequently unemployed, which left me with a fear of losing where we lived, and he certain, at least to me, seemed fragile, which left me without the feeling that he could take care of me, and my emotional needs.

All of that said, he was hysterically funny.  Loved to laugh, loved to joke.  He had three daughters, and I don't remember ever being told, that I should have been a boy.  He loved us, he loved my mother, he loved his grandchildren.  He told me my daughter, when he made the trip downstate to meet her for the first time, was the "prettiest baby ever", as I am sure he told my sisters about their children.  He believed that of all of them.  He, unlike me, had emotion.  I was often afraid, as his seemed to bubble up to the surface more than I was comfortable dealing with on a daily basis!  He was lucky to have those feelings, I now know.

My father, if he had heard his music, would have loved Warren Zevon.  My father loved music, mostly jazz.  However, Warren's dark humor would have been appreciated by my Dad.  I have chosen this song today, to honor my father, because of that feeling.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Many times when I am doing something simple around the house, I think of my father, and I smile.  I am not angry at him for the bad memories, I have used those as a springboard for forgiveness, and a memory of feelings I don't want my children to carry around throughout their lives. 

My father's memory box was the first one I was able to open in my head, and sort through.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I finally could feel the feelings, and hold the good memories close to me. 

I hold him in my thoughts, I take him to my dreams, and I know he left me with out loving me any less.

Thanks Dad!

The Load Out/ Stay

Today is my Birthday, 55 years old, six months older than my mother ever reached, and I really don't feel as if I am old, older, but not OLD.

I chose the Jackson Browne classic "The Load Out/Stay" to represent this birthday, for several reasons.  This has been a year of adjusting to changes.  There has been a change in what I do each day, a change in family structure as my kids are growing up, our old pets are departing at a rapid rate, and what was once a certainty is not anymore.

I remember hearing this song for the first time in 1978, which his actually the year my mother passed away.  There is mention of eight tracks, cassets and steroes.  At that time the roadies would come out and sing their part, etc. and the stadium would begin to empty as the band would sing sStay.  It was a great end to a concert, everyone singing their way to the exit, many stumbling, but we won't get into that!

We have all aged, I never had an eight track, but no one actually does now, cassets are unused in a box, and our stereo doesn't get much use at all.  My beautiful daughter is now in Australia "studying" criminal psychology, and my handsome son is living on campus at U of I, exploring gender studies with a interest in social work.  They are both, like me, interested in why people do what they do.  Interesting, as my prediction was that my son would be a developer of video games, and my daughter would work with young children, who had trouble verbally expressing themselves.  Am I disappointed?  No, I couldn't be prouder that these two young adults have grown up to follow their interests, in spite of me!! 

I so wanted them to Stay, to keep me feeling young, but it was time for them to Load Out, and grow, and I had to let them go.  They have provided me with such pleasure as I have watched them navigate the trials and tribulations of the life of young adults.  I want so badly to push fast forward, or at least select another track, to allow them to avoid the inevidable pain of growing up into adulthood, but life doesn't allow me to do this, so I watch, and hopefully provide a gentle place to land while they figure out what to do next.

If there was a happiness meter, I could say that I am probably 99% happier, than I was last year at this time.  Today my days are spent, playing, investigating, and laughing, with four fabulous young people between the ages of 1 and 4.  They remind me daily of the joy of life, the joy of simple things, like cake, bubbles, paint, and playdough.  They help me see the world through different glasses, and help me appreciate the beauty a day gives each of us to explore.  They help me remember that one "bad" moment in a day, doesn't make a bad day, and even if I think it does, there is always tomorrow.  However, in case there isn't tomorrow, live each day to the fullest.

I realized a few weeks ago, shock of shocks, I am slow to connect the dots!  That I have been married for 22 years, that my friends is a long time!  Mike and I have been given the gift of longevity, and the opportunity to establish a "new" life, without our eight tracks, without our children living at home, and although not in the greatest health, still with plenty of energy to learn new things, and explore things together.  Left with one semi old Beagle Basset, with a giant head, one old cat with a persistant loud meow, who stares at us all night, and one sweet old cat, who has been know to move into neighborhood homes when we travel, we are here with the opportunity to get to know each other again, as we have both changed as our life as evolved and our children have grown.

So, on this my 55th birthday, I am thankful for those in my life today, for the children who I enjoy each afternoon, and who provide me hours of fun, and laughter.  For their parents who share them with me, I blessed that have chosen to do that for me.  For my own children, whom I love to watch grow into adulthood, to my husband who puts up with me, and now has a life time worth of dish soap due to one of my cost saving adventures.  To my old pets, who remind me of the circle of life, and that it is alright to throw ones heart out there, even though sometimes there will be pain.  To my parents for having me, my siblings for helping to raise me, and there children who are older than mine, showing me that our family grows great young adults.

I am also thankful for Jackson Browne, his music has carried me through life.  He has gotten older, changed, and his music has developed and reflected those changes life brings.  I appreciate that he has not disappeared during the aging process, but continued to provide people like me, music and lyrics to help sort out their lives!

Jackson Browne - 2011-04-02 - The Load Out / Stay - Live

For a Dancer

For a Dancer, one of the Jackson Browne songs, known as a funeral song.  Somewhere I heard Jackson say that people often ask if there is an album of his that doesn't contain a song about people dying.  He replied that he is drawn to write about death, as it is one of the most difficult concepts for people to grasp, and so hard to understand.

 Into a dancer you have grown

From a seed somebody else has thrown

Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own

And somewhere between the time you arrive

And the time you go

May lie a reason you were alive

But you'll never know

Today is the anniversary of my Mother's death.  She was 54 when she died.  We shared a birth date.  I am 54, so I am exactly the age she was when she died.  I have an almost 21 year old daughter, and a 19 year old son.  I was 21 when my mother died.  I look at my children, and I am certain they are not yet ready to no longer be "mothered".  They are awesome young adults, and do a good job navigating the world they live in, but they still need their mother.  Although I didn't know it then, I am pretty sure I did too.

The quote above is one of my favorites Jackson Browne quotes.  There were several seeds that my mother threw that she never was able to meet, and know.  She was responsible for the birth of me, and my two older sisters, so she was therefore indirectly responsible for her grandchildren.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing Elizabeth, Naomi, Adam, Nick and Dan; my nieces and nephews into this world.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing the greatest gift I have ever to receive into this world, my children.  For without Katie and Andrew I would be nothing, they are my reason to exist, to pull my hair out in clumps, to laugh and to love.  They teach me patience, tolerance, and how to love on a daily basis.  They have taught me so much, opened my mind to understanding things which I would have never taken a chance at exploring, and they have taught me that my real dreams are not what I saw them becoming on the day they were born, but for their happiness and success in the life that they see for themselves!

Parenthood is probably not my greatest strength, but it is my greatest joy .  Mom, I am sorry you were robbed of that joy at such an early time, and that you could only imagine what was to become, and that you missed getting to know the fabulous people created by the seeds that you threw, and the reason you were alive.

Your absence in felt in your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren.  Thanks for the gift of life, I cherish it.

Werewolves of London

I recently purchased this item, and although I know that Jackson would remind me that it is plastic, which it is, however, it is NOT single use plastic, and it is BPA free.  I had discovered that while boycotting the use of the plastic bottle, I almost altogether stopped drinking water, as I don't like the taste of water in metal containers!  Yes, a bit of a Diva at that, but this product is better than a disposable water bottle.  So, Jackson please, cut me some slack!

I have made some shifts in my use of products, and reducing my carbon footprint.  Small, but changes none the less!  I use bar shampoo, so that saves a single use plastic bottle, recycle weekly, and I am trying to avoid purchasing items housed in materials which will end up in a landfill.

Today is the 4th of July!  Independence Day!  Funny, it's not a Holiday that I have found particularly enjoyable for the past decade or more.  I am not totally certain as to why, maybe because it means the summer is moving too fast, and usually work is right around the corner.  I am not really certain.  This year, I remind myself that this is not the mid point of summer, but that there is still plenty of time for me to enjoy the lazy days of summer! 

This week I send my daughter off to Australia to study abroad until the end of November.  Oh, how I will miss her, and oh, how lucky she is to have the experience!  I am so proud of her, and I am certain she will have a fabulous time!  I will have the opportunity to once again grow as a parent, as I did when she left for college two years ago, and I certainly want to still grow!  She has done a great job of cutting me loose slowly, but with a certainty that is necessary.  She is teaching me to find other portions of my life to focus my attention on, and to allow her to grow!  She also makes sure that I know that it doesn't count if it is her brother, who wouldn't be nice enough to gently shove me in another direction!

The other night I went out to dinner with friends who happen to be  members of the board of directors of my last place of employment.  I expected it to be a nice evening, and it was, however I still couldn't shake the feeling of nervousness, fear of saying the wrong things, or any other insecurities which I am still combating from the experiences of the past year.  I bring this event up because as we sat at ate, I suddenly heard the voice of Jackson emerging from the speakers.  There he was singing, one of my all time favorites, Sweet Baby Blues.  I immediately relaxed, as the odds of hearing Jackson Browne played at a place where the servers, managers, bartenders, etc. were not close to being old enough to know who he is, and choose his music.  I have always believed that these little oddities of life happen for a reason.  To me, Jackson's words are often what I need to calm down, to take stock of the reality of a situation, and to just smile spontaneously, which can cause a cascade of relaxation!

A few minutes more into dinner, I listened once again to hear a version of Werewolves of London!  I also love Warren Zevon, and his songs often just make me out and out laugh.  The odds of hearing both these songs in place full of young employees, lead me to believe it was one of those events, which happen for whatever reason, but are not accidental, they occur for me, because I need them too!

I'm Alive!

I have heard Jackson say that this song, I'm Alive, is a fun song to sing, and an exhilarating statement to make.  From his prospective it is the proclamation from a person that something in their life, which they thought would destroy them, hasn't, and they are still here, feeling better, and once again learning the  joys of living life to it's fullest.

I want to go where I will never hear your name
I want to lose my sorrow and be free again
And I know I've been insane
When I think of places I could have been

I am fairly certain that many, many, many people have experiences far more traumatic than I which vastly change their life, and force them to look at life options differently, and change their direction, as well as make plans for a life that they hadn't seen in their future.  Sometimes it is like me, just accepting what was going to be the inevitable, and learning to live with a plan thrust upon me.  The biggest challenge for me, is to actually really believe that things are changing, that I am not going to be doing what I have done daily for the past 20 plus years, and the feeling that does to my feelings of self worth.  What I did daily created my perception of my self worth as a person.  It made me who I was, more than anything else in my life, my job defined me.  With out it, I have no definition, the question where do you work, and what do you do there, was my description of myself. 

Knowing this, explains the difficulty I am having with the transition, from workaholic and receiving the praise from working so hard, to me....who ever that is....I am loving what I am doing each day, the people I am spending my time with, and the joy I am experiencing.  I will eventually, I assume, not need to receive the outside praise for being a workaholic, and recover from the damage I did to myself, not being able to figure out why I was spiraling out of control this past year, and the feelings of failure and loss.  I believe that I someday will forgive myself, and that I will trust myself that I am doing a good job on a daily basis, and making a positive impact on the people that I spend my days enjoying.  They are certainly making a positive impact on me, and helping me, with out being aware, heal my raw emotional state, a little bit each day.

What I have discovered over the past few weeks, is that I can start over, I can accept these changes, and I can find joy in activities that I haven't participated in for a long time.  I find myself wondering if people at the age of 54 can make a new life for themselves.  Can I make new friends, change the way I live, feel like a valuable human?  Well, I have no choice.  It is that, or continuing on the path of self destruction, and I don't want to make that choice.

Sometimes I pretend that I have moved to a new city, where no one knows me, which would leave me in the position of needing to make new friends, explore new hobbies, and find a place to feel comfortable with who I am, and present that person to others.  That gives me the freedom to leave the house, and work on a new life, with out fear of judgment of those who have judged me, and made decisions about who they thought I was, and whose opinions and judgments I, yes, I have allowed to hurt me, and damage me, and to incapacitate me.

I'm Alive!  Like many others who have experienced emotional damage due to circumstances of their lives, I have the opportunity to learn to find my self worth in a different way than in the past.  I can do things, and make changes that make ME happy, and make me feel good about myself, and gain my feelings of self worth from myself.