Werewolves of London

I recently purchased this item, and although I know that Jackson would remind me that it is plastic, which it is, however, it is NOT single use plastic, and it is BPA free.  I had discovered that while boycotting the use of the plastic bottle, I almost altogether stopped drinking water, as I don't like the taste of water in metal containers!  Yes, a bit of a Diva at that, but this product is better than a disposable water bottle.  So, Jackson please, cut me some slack!

I have made some shifts in my use of products, and reducing my carbon footprint.  Small, but changes none the less!  I use bar shampoo, so that saves a single use plastic bottle, recycle weekly, and I am trying to avoid purchasing items housed in materials which will end up in a landfill.

Today is the 4th of July!  Independence Day!  Funny, it's not a Holiday that I have found particularly enjoyable for the past decade or more.  I am not totally certain as to why, maybe because it means the summer is moving too fast, and usually work is right around the corner.  I am not really certain.  This year, I remind myself that this is not the mid point of summer, but that there is still plenty of time for me to enjoy the lazy days of summer! 

This week I send my daughter off to Australia to study abroad until the end of November.  Oh, how I will miss her, and oh, how lucky she is to have the experience!  I am so proud of her, and I am certain she will have a fabulous time!  I will have the opportunity to once again grow as a parent, as I did when she left for college two years ago, and I certainly want to still grow!  She has done a great job of cutting me loose slowly, but with a certainty that is necessary.  She is teaching me to find other portions of my life to focus my attention on, and to allow her to grow!  She also makes sure that I know that it doesn't count if it is her brother, who wouldn't be nice enough to gently shove me in another direction!

The other night I went out to dinner with friends who happen to be  members of the board of directors of my last place of employment.  I expected it to be a nice evening, and it was, however I still couldn't shake the feeling of nervousness, fear of saying the wrong things, or any other insecurities which I am still combating from the experiences of the past year.  I bring this event up because as we sat at ate, I suddenly heard the voice of Jackson emerging from the speakers.  There he was singing, one of my all time favorites, Sweet Baby Blues.  I immediately relaxed, as the odds of hearing Jackson Browne played at a place where the servers, managers, bartenders, etc. were not close to being old enough to know who he is, and choose his music.  I have always believed that these little oddities of life happen for a reason.  To me, Jackson's words are often what I need to calm down, to take stock of the reality of a situation, and to just smile spontaneously, which can cause a cascade of relaxation!

A few minutes more into dinner, I listened once again to hear a version of Werewolves of London!  I also love Warren Zevon, and his songs often just make me out and out laugh.  The odds of hearing both these songs in place full of young employees, lead me to believe it was one of those events, which happen for whatever reason, but are not accidental, they occur for me, because I need them too!

I'm Alive!

I have heard Jackson say that this song, I'm Alive, is a fun song to sing, and an exhilarating statement to make.  From his prospective it is the proclamation from a person that something in their life, which they thought would destroy them, hasn't, and they are still here, feeling better, and once again learning the  joys of living life to it's fullest.

I want to go where I will never hear your name
I want to lose my sorrow and be free again
And I know I've been insane
When I think of places I could have been

I am fairly certain that many, many, many people have experiences far more traumatic than I which vastly change their life, and force them to look at life options differently, and change their direction, as well as make plans for a life that they hadn't seen in their future.  Sometimes it is like me, just accepting what was going to be the inevitable, and learning to live with a plan thrust upon me.  The biggest challenge for me, is to actually really believe that things are changing, that I am not going to be doing what I have done daily for the past 20 plus years, and the feeling that does to my feelings of self worth.  What I did daily created my perception of my self worth as a person.  It made me who I was, more than anything else in my life, my job defined me.  With out it, I have no definition, the question where do you work, and what do you do there, was my description of myself. 

Knowing this, explains the difficulty I am having with the transition, from workaholic and receiving the praise from working so hard, to me....who ever that is....I am loving what I am doing each day, the people I am spending my time with, and the joy I am experiencing.  I will eventually, I assume, not need to receive the outside praise for being a workaholic, and recover from the damage I did to myself, not being able to figure out why I was spiraling out of control this past year, and the feelings of failure and loss.  I believe that I someday will forgive myself, and that I will trust myself that I am doing a good job on a daily basis, and making a positive impact on the people that I spend my days enjoying.  They are certainly making a positive impact on me, and helping me, with out being aware, heal my raw emotional state, a little bit each day.

What I have discovered over the past few weeks, is that I can start over, I can accept these changes, and I can find joy in activities that I haven't participated in for a long time.  I find myself wondering if people at the age of 54 can make a new life for themselves.  Can I make new friends, change the way I live, feel like a valuable human?  Well, I have no choice.  It is that, or continuing on the path of self destruction, and I don't want to make that choice.

Sometimes I pretend that I have moved to a new city, where no one knows me, which would leave me in the position of needing to make new friends, explore new hobbies, and find a place to feel comfortable with who I am, and present that person to others.  That gives me the freedom to leave the house, and work on a new life, with out fear of judgment of those who have judged me, and made decisions about who they thought I was, and whose opinions and judgments I, yes, I have allowed to hurt me, and damage me, and to incapacitate me.

I'm Alive!  Like many others who have experienced emotional damage due to circumstances of their lives, I have the opportunity to learn to find my self worth in a different way than in the past.  I can do things, and make changes that make ME happy, and make me feel good about myself, and gain my feelings of self worth from myself.

Sky Blue and Black

http://youtu.be/-BkNF-tOW_w

Sky Blue Sky Black

I hear the sound of the world where we played
And the far too simple beauty
Of the promises we made

I love this song, it is so incredibly beautiful, and the piano is fantastic.  I heard an interview where Jackson describes this song as a funeral for a relationship, which is doomed, already over in the start of the song, and obviously didn't go as planned.  What he says, is that like a funeral, where the life a person is celebrated, and their good attributes, and the fond things that each person carries in their heart for the deceased are what counts when all is said and done.  The same is true he says of a relationship of any kind that doesn't play out as planned or ends, despite all efforts to fix what is broken.

I see this in my life as I move forward, accepting the changing factors of my life.  Anger has no use in a persons life, or at least mine.  True anger, at least for me is not a motivator, it turns into the worse thing that anger can for me personally, depression.  Yes, the definition of depression is "anger turned inward", and it gets stuck, causing wasted energy on sadness, which could be used to enhance my life and move forward, exploring the opportunities which lie ahead, waiting to help me grow into a better person, and effect positive change on our world.

That depression has the power to take over my whole world, and multiplies endlessly over flowing into every tiny corner of my world, and I lose the joy in most anything, and then of course, find myself depressed about everything I am not getting done.

I look back over the past weeks....I am pleased to say that my whole family has jumped on the  recycling band wagon, which is good, or I would have dropped it, and then been mad that I did!  It goes out, and gets picked up and goes away.  My husband now patrols the garbage, looking for stray recyclable items, that have slipped through the process.

Everyone but (funny choice of words) has accepted the recycled toilet paper, wrapped in paper, not plastic.  She believes it is a purchase made by me, to make her stays with us as uncomfortable as possible!!

The cats are properly recycling their wet food cans, and the dogs are playing their part by consuming as many paper towels and garbage as they can, to help us get a jump on composting.

I often forget to bring my reusable shopping bags, but I promise to try my best to remember.  We use biodegradable trash bags, and I store leftovers in items that are not single use.  Most of us avoid the plastic bottle, and to make up for any mistakes I buy pens made of recycled water bottles.  We buy our milk in a carton, instead of plastic, and could really go to glass.

I use bar shampoo, but I am continually looking for something better than what I have, and I am currently researching trading in my car for a hybrid.  Save gas, save money, etc.

Each day, I miss so many opportunities to be green, and I guess the good thing is that I realized that I am making mistakes, and that I have more to learn.  Since I have the time to explore life these days, I will continue to do this, and share any good environmentally friendly finds I discover with others by way of this blog.

So, today I chose to take the words of Jackson Browne, and remember that the value of anger in my life is low, the secret to success is to remember the good, and maintain the the love and energy gained from that part of any situation and carry that with me, to look for what I want in the next phases of my life.



But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

Running On Empty

Last Friday night I went with my husband to see Jackson in Peoria, where we enjoyed our great seats, time together, and had the pleasure of connecting with each other while listening to the words and music which have such an incredible impact on my personal life, emotions, and help me gain perspective on my life.  As this school year comes to a close, and the beginnings of summer are starting to peak out behind the clouds of the winter, I was able to gain a different perspective of the past year, where I started, and where I am today.

First of all, as Oprah began her 25th and final year, the promotions for the show were all about this incredible final year, and how many people's dreams she was going to make come true.  There were several conversations centering around bucket lists, and for a lot of people attending the Oprah show was one of their bucket list activities.  I certainly wouldn't have minded attending the show, but I have to admit that I never really made any effort to get tickets, or really even looked into how to make that happen.  So, apparently, this wasn't really something that I wanted all that much. 

Anyway....my point is this:  At that point the top of my bucket list, the thing I wanted to do most, was to meet Jackson Browne.  To say thank you to the person who wrote the words and music, that as I have said many times before, that are contained in his songs, and my relationship with his songs are the longest relationship with anything that I have ever had in my life. 

Last summer I started to think about Oprah, wish granting, and the idea that she and other talk show hosts sometimes make individuals dreams come true.  I realized pretty quickly that although I wasn't a bad person, I still had all of my limbs, I wasn't raising 12 orphaned children, I hadn't saved a family from a natural disaster and made them part of my household, while they rebuilt their life.  In fact, I had so ignored my family that my cat had moved out and found another family...she has since returned...it took canned food, bribery and convincing the other family that I really wanted said cat to return home, but that at this point she was going to live at the house that had the best food, and then prove that by buying better food than theirs! 

If I wanted to meet Jackson Browne, it was going to be something that I would have to make happen, and that I was in control of fulfilling my bucket list.

So, in this past year, with the help of my family, that happened.  I met Jackson, and I was able to reunite with his music, by attending, let's say a few concerts in the past 9 months. 

This experience was empowering for me in many ways.  I was really able to listen to his music, frequently, and with intense introspection into my life, where i was when I first heard certain songs, why those songs bring up certain emotions, and why I behaved as if I was spontaneously generated at the age of 35! 

I was able to look forward to what I may want to accomplish in my future, what changes I wanted to make in the way that I live, and what I felt was important.  I was able to connect with my daughter in a really meaningful way, through music, and concert attendance which allowed us to spend hours together getting to know each other as adults.  Also to spend hours laughing over things we did on our adventures which allowed me to feel young, and her to feel spontaneous and adventuresome.

As the month of May comes to a close, I may not know what is going to come next in my daily life, but I do know that even through difficult times, what I have learned about myself and others has enhanced my life in a dramatic way. 

This summer I am planning on moving forward on my quest to shrink my carbon foot print, learn the art of composting (my husband is actually excited about this), and just being more environmentally friendly.  I can see where that takes me, and what happens next.  I know if I remain open to learning from those around me, and listen to what my emotions are telling me, I will continue to learn and grow and become a better person. I think that is a pretty good goal for the coming months!

Every one I know, every where I go
People need some reason to believe.....

Running on empty, running blind
Running into the sun, but I'm running behind....

I am looking forward to slowing down, catching up, and enjoying every sandwich!

Jackson Browne, Sleep's Dark And Silent Gate, 4-19-08

Sleeps Dark and Silent Night

I've been home sick for few days, so I have been doing a lot of looking at the world of "Greener Living" blogs,  the plastic pollution coalition, and trying to take in what I have been learning.



This is a picture of all of the plastic that was found in a juvenile sea turtle off the cost of Argentina.  Poor dude!  The less we use, the less chance of things like this continuing to occur.

I also found that in some places in Hawaii they have banned the plastic bag.  People bring a reusable shopping bag, or they can purchase paper bag with out handles.  

Sea World in San Diego is also banning the plastic bag from their shops and restaurants.  While other cities are doing events such as non plastic Wednesdays, or another single day during the week.  This promotes some thought for consumers, which may alert them to changing their way of thinking and what choices are made on a daily basis.

Things I have learned through trial and error.  The powdered laundry soap, housed in a box works great!  My clothes have never looked cleaner, I love it!  Still questionable on the bar shampoo, not totally satisfied with the results of any that I have chosen.  Love the produce bags, and my reusable shopping bags, they are really strong, and work well for schlepping anything, not just groceries.

Love the refillable soap dispensers, my husband, not so much!  Biodegradable trash bags have mixed results.  The Green Genius are great, and reasonably priced.  The next kind I bought, I discovered didn't have a tie on the top, so when my husband asked me what was with the current kitchen trash bag, I replied, "they are won't buy agains!"

While my husband is continuing his running, staying young by challenging himself to be healthier and active.  I will continue to go forward in my quest to learn how to better our environment, slowly, but learning and researching each step of the way.

I do not see an electric car in my near future, but maybe a hybrid....a used hybrid!

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder
Where my life will lead me
Waiting to pass under Sleep's dark and silent gate

 

I really like this passage of Sleeps Dark and Silent Night.  It of course is out of context, but that is what is so special about using music to inspire and understand oneself.  One can take the smallest portion of a song, and use it out of context, for a totally different purpose. 

 

To me, out of context, it means just what it says.  While lying in bed waiting for sleep, we have the time and ability to imagine what is going to come next.  After all no one really knows, life takes many twists and turns, and it is what we do with those that really counts.  Every twist is a learning experience, and every turn is a new opportunity. 

 

Life is really an incredible journey!