The Load Out/ Stay

Today is my Birthday, 55 years old, six months older than my mother ever reached, and I really don't feel as if I am old, older, but not OLD.

I chose the Jackson Browne classic "The Load Out/Stay" to represent this birthday, for several reasons.  This has been a year of adjusting to changes.  There has been a change in what I do each day, a change in family structure as my kids are growing up, our old pets are departing at a rapid rate, and what was once a certainty is not anymore.

I remember hearing this song for the first time in 1978, which his actually the year my mother passed away.  There is mention of eight tracks, cassets and steroes.  At that time the roadies would come out and sing their part, etc. and the stadium would begin to empty as the band would sing sStay.  It was a great end to a concert, everyone singing their way to the exit, many stumbling, but we won't get into that!

We have all aged, I never had an eight track, but no one actually does now, cassets are unused in a box, and our stereo doesn't get much use at all.  My beautiful daughter is now in Australia "studying" criminal psychology, and my handsome son is living on campus at U of I, exploring gender studies with a interest in social work.  They are both, like me, interested in why people do what they do.  Interesting, as my prediction was that my son would be a developer of video games, and my daughter would work with young children, who had trouble verbally expressing themselves.  Am I disappointed?  No, I couldn't be prouder that these two young adults have grown up to follow their interests, in spite of me!! 

I so wanted them to Stay, to keep me feeling young, but it was time for them to Load Out, and grow, and I had to let them go.  They have provided me with such pleasure as I have watched them navigate the trials and tribulations of the life of young adults.  I want so badly to push fast forward, or at least select another track, to allow them to avoid the inevidable pain of growing up into adulthood, but life doesn't allow me to do this, so I watch, and hopefully provide a gentle place to land while they figure out what to do next.

If there was a happiness meter, I could say that I am probably 99% happier, than I was last year at this time.  Today my days are spent, playing, investigating, and laughing, with four fabulous young people between the ages of 1 and 4.  They remind me daily of the joy of life, the joy of simple things, like cake, bubbles, paint, and playdough.  They help me see the world through different glasses, and help me appreciate the beauty a day gives each of us to explore.  They help me remember that one "bad" moment in a day, doesn't make a bad day, and even if I think it does, there is always tomorrow.  However, in case there isn't tomorrow, live each day to the fullest.

I realized a few weeks ago, shock of shocks, I am slow to connect the dots!  That I have been married for 22 years, that my friends is a long time!  Mike and I have been given the gift of longevity, and the opportunity to establish a "new" life, without our eight tracks, without our children living at home, and although not in the greatest health, still with plenty of energy to learn new things, and explore things together.  Left with one semi old Beagle Basset, with a giant head, one old cat with a persistant loud meow, who stares at us all night, and one sweet old cat, who has been know to move into neighborhood homes when we travel, we are here with the opportunity to get to know each other again, as we have both changed as our life as evolved and our children have grown.

So, on this my 55th birthday, I am thankful for those in my life today, for the children who I enjoy each afternoon, and who provide me hours of fun, and laughter.  For their parents who share them with me, I blessed that have chosen to do that for me.  For my own children, whom I love to watch grow into adulthood, to my husband who puts up with me, and now has a life time worth of dish soap due to one of my cost saving adventures.  To my old pets, who remind me of the circle of life, and that it is alright to throw ones heart out there, even though sometimes there will be pain.  To my parents for having me, my siblings for helping to raise me, and there children who are older than mine, showing me that our family grows great young adults.

I am also thankful for Jackson Browne, his music has carried me through life.  He has gotten older, changed, and his music has developed and reflected those changes life brings.  I appreciate that he has not disappeared during the aging process, but continued to provide people like me, music and lyrics to help sort out their lives!

Jackson Browne - 2011-04-02 - The Load Out / Stay - Live

For a Dancer

For a Dancer, one of the Jackson Browne songs, known as a funeral song.  Somewhere I heard Jackson say that people often ask if there is an album of his that doesn't contain a song about people dying.  He replied that he is drawn to write about death, as it is one of the most difficult concepts for people to grasp, and so hard to understand.

 Into a dancer you have grown

From a seed somebody else has thrown

Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own

And somewhere between the time you arrive

And the time you go

May lie a reason you were alive

But you'll never know

Today is the anniversary of my Mother's death.  She was 54 when she died.  We shared a birth date.  I am 54, so I am exactly the age she was when she died.  I have an almost 21 year old daughter, and a 19 year old son.  I was 21 when my mother died.  I look at my children, and I am certain they are not yet ready to no longer be "mothered".  They are awesome young adults, and do a good job navigating the world they live in, but they still need their mother.  Although I didn't know it then, I am pretty sure I did too.

The quote above is one of my favorites Jackson Browne quotes.  There were several seeds that my mother threw that she never was able to meet, and know.  She was responsible for the birth of me, and my two older sisters, so she was therefore indirectly responsible for her grandchildren.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing Elizabeth, Naomi, Adam, Nick and Dan; my nieces and nephews into this world.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing the greatest gift I have ever to receive into this world, my children.  For without Katie and Andrew I would be nothing, they are my reason to exist, to pull my hair out in clumps, to laugh and to love.  They teach me patience, tolerance, and how to love on a daily basis.  They have taught me so much, opened my mind to understanding things which I would have never taken a chance at exploring, and they have taught me that my real dreams are not what I saw them becoming on the day they were born, but for their happiness and success in the life that they see for themselves!

Parenthood is probably not my greatest strength, but it is my greatest joy .  Mom, I am sorry you were robbed of that joy at such an early time, and that you could only imagine what was to become, and that you missed getting to know the fabulous people created by the seeds that you threw, and the reason you were alive.

Your absence in felt in your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren.  Thanks for the gift of life, I cherish it.

Werewolves of London

I recently purchased this item, and although I know that Jackson would remind me that it is plastic, which it is, however, it is NOT single use plastic, and it is BPA free.  I had discovered that while boycotting the use of the plastic bottle, I almost altogether stopped drinking water, as I don't like the taste of water in metal containers!  Yes, a bit of a Diva at that, but this product is better than a disposable water bottle.  So, Jackson please, cut me some slack!

I have made some shifts in my use of products, and reducing my carbon footprint.  Small, but changes none the less!  I use bar shampoo, so that saves a single use plastic bottle, recycle weekly, and I am trying to avoid purchasing items housed in materials which will end up in a landfill.

Today is the 4th of July!  Independence Day!  Funny, it's not a Holiday that I have found particularly enjoyable for the past decade or more.  I am not totally certain as to why, maybe because it means the summer is moving too fast, and usually work is right around the corner.  I am not really certain.  This year, I remind myself that this is not the mid point of summer, but that there is still plenty of time for me to enjoy the lazy days of summer! 

This week I send my daughter off to Australia to study abroad until the end of November.  Oh, how I will miss her, and oh, how lucky she is to have the experience!  I am so proud of her, and I am certain she will have a fabulous time!  I will have the opportunity to once again grow as a parent, as I did when she left for college two years ago, and I certainly want to still grow!  She has done a great job of cutting me loose slowly, but with a certainty that is necessary.  She is teaching me to find other portions of my life to focus my attention on, and to allow her to grow!  She also makes sure that I know that it doesn't count if it is her brother, who wouldn't be nice enough to gently shove me in another direction!

The other night I went out to dinner with friends who happen to be  members of the board of directors of my last place of employment.  I expected it to be a nice evening, and it was, however I still couldn't shake the feeling of nervousness, fear of saying the wrong things, or any other insecurities which I am still combating from the experiences of the past year.  I bring this event up because as we sat at ate, I suddenly heard the voice of Jackson emerging from the speakers.  There he was singing, one of my all time favorites, Sweet Baby Blues.  I immediately relaxed, as the odds of hearing Jackson Browne played at a place where the servers, managers, bartenders, etc. were not close to being old enough to know who he is, and choose his music.  I have always believed that these little oddities of life happen for a reason.  To me, Jackson's words are often what I need to calm down, to take stock of the reality of a situation, and to just smile spontaneously, which can cause a cascade of relaxation!

A few minutes more into dinner, I listened once again to hear a version of Werewolves of London!  I also love Warren Zevon, and his songs often just make me out and out laugh.  The odds of hearing both these songs in place full of young employees, lead me to believe it was one of those events, which happen for whatever reason, but are not accidental, they occur for me, because I need them too!

I'm Alive!

I have heard Jackson say that this song, I'm Alive, is a fun song to sing, and an exhilarating statement to make.  From his prospective it is the proclamation from a person that something in their life, which they thought would destroy them, hasn't, and they are still here, feeling better, and once again learning the  joys of living life to it's fullest.

I want to go where I will never hear your name
I want to lose my sorrow and be free again
And I know I've been insane
When I think of places I could have been

I am fairly certain that many, many, many people have experiences far more traumatic than I which vastly change their life, and force them to look at life options differently, and change their direction, as well as make plans for a life that they hadn't seen in their future.  Sometimes it is like me, just accepting what was going to be the inevitable, and learning to live with a plan thrust upon me.  The biggest challenge for me, is to actually really believe that things are changing, that I am not going to be doing what I have done daily for the past 20 plus years, and the feeling that does to my feelings of self worth.  What I did daily created my perception of my self worth as a person.  It made me who I was, more than anything else in my life, my job defined me.  With out it, I have no definition, the question where do you work, and what do you do there, was my description of myself. 

Knowing this, explains the difficulty I am having with the transition, from workaholic and receiving the praise from working so hard, to me....who ever that is....I am loving what I am doing each day, the people I am spending my time with, and the joy I am experiencing.  I will eventually, I assume, not need to receive the outside praise for being a workaholic, and recover from the damage I did to myself, not being able to figure out why I was spiraling out of control this past year, and the feelings of failure and loss.  I believe that I someday will forgive myself, and that I will trust myself that I am doing a good job on a daily basis, and making a positive impact on the people that I spend my days enjoying.  They are certainly making a positive impact on me, and helping me, with out being aware, heal my raw emotional state, a little bit each day.

What I have discovered over the past few weeks, is that I can start over, I can accept these changes, and I can find joy in activities that I haven't participated in for a long time.  I find myself wondering if people at the age of 54 can make a new life for themselves.  Can I make new friends, change the way I live, feel like a valuable human?  Well, I have no choice.  It is that, or continuing on the path of self destruction, and I don't want to make that choice.

Sometimes I pretend that I have moved to a new city, where no one knows me, which would leave me in the position of needing to make new friends, explore new hobbies, and find a place to feel comfortable with who I am, and present that person to others.  That gives me the freedom to leave the house, and work on a new life, with out fear of judgment of those who have judged me, and made decisions about who they thought I was, and whose opinions and judgments I, yes, I have allowed to hurt me, and damage me, and to incapacitate me.

I'm Alive!  Like many others who have experienced emotional damage due to circumstances of their lives, I have the opportunity to learn to find my self worth in a different way than in the past.  I can do things, and make changes that make ME happy, and make me feel good about myself, and gain my feelings of self worth from myself.

Sky Blue and Black

http://youtu.be/-BkNF-tOW_w

Sky Blue Sky Black

I hear the sound of the world where we played
And the far too simple beauty
Of the promises we made

I love this song, it is so incredibly beautiful, and the piano is fantastic.  I heard an interview where Jackson describes this song as a funeral for a relationship, which is doomed, already over in the start of the song, and obviously didn't go as planned.  What he says, is that like a funeral, where the life a person is celebrated, and their good attributes, and the fond things that each person carries in their heart for the deceased are what counts when all is said and done.  The same is true he says of a relationship of any kind that doesn't play out as planned or ends, despite all efforts to fix what is broken.

I see this in my life as I move forward, accepting the changing factors of my life.  Anger has no use in a persons life, or at least mine.  True anger, at least for me is not a motivator, it turns into the worse thing that anger can for me personally, depression.  Yes, the definition of depression is "anger turned inward", and it gets stuck, causing wasted energy on sadness, which could be used to enhance my life and move forward, exploring the opportunities which lie ahead, waiting to help me grow into a better person, and effect positive change on our world.

That depression has the power to take over my whole world, and multiplies endlessly over flowing into every tiny corner of my world, and I lose the joy in most anything, and then of course, find myself depressed about everything I am not getting done.

I look back over the past weeks....I am pleased to say that my whole family has jumped on the  recycling band wagon, which is good, or I would have dropped it, and then been mad that I did!  It goes out, and gets picked up and goes away.  My husband now patrols the garbage, looking for stray recyclable items, that have slipped through the process.

Everyone but (funny choice of words) has accepted the recycled toilet paper, wrapped in paper, not plastic.  She believes it is a purchase made by me, to make her stays with us as uncomfortable as possible!!

The cats are properly recycling their wet food cans, and the dogs are playing their part by consuming as many paper towels and garbage as they can, to help us get a jump on composting.

I often forget to bring my reusable shopping bags, but I promise to try my best to remember.  We use biodegradable trash bags, and I store leftovers in items that are not single use.  Most of us avoid the plastic bottle, and to make up for any mistakes I buy pens made of recycled water bottles.  We buy our milk in a carton, instead of plastic, and could really go to glass.

I use bar shampoo, but I am continually looking for something better than what I have, and I am currently researching trading in my car for a hybrid.  Save gas, save money, etc.

Each day, I miss so many opportunities to be green, and I guess the good thing is that I realized that I am making mistakes, and that I have more to learn.  Since I have the time to explore life these days, I will continue to do this, and share any good environmentally friendly finds I discover with others by way of this blog.

So, today I chose to take the words of Jackson Browne, and remember that the value of anger in my life is low, the secret to success is to remember the good, and maintain the the love and energy gained from that part of any situation and carry that with me, to look for what I want in the next phases of my life.



But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow