Alive in The World

I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world

The picture above was from a September evening in 2010.  My daughter and I went to the concert. I was suffering from a broken foot, wearing a stylish boot on my right foot.  My daughter, wanting to help complete items on my bucket list approached a gentleman who looked like he was "with the tour",  and I believe asked if there was any chance her mother could meet Mr. Browne.  At that time in my life, I was just realizing that I was experiencing some increase in health problems, and I frankly believed that if I was going to the get the chance to work on the items on my bucket list, this was the day.  So, my guess is, I looked pathetic!  The "official" looking man took us inside the Chicago Theater, and sat us down for sound check.  There he was, Jackson Browne, looking young, energetic and I felt 19 instead of 53!  Which at that moment was the age of my daughter.  The "official" looking man, came back after sound check, and presented me with a Jackson Browne guitar pick.  All that was before the concert even started, and I was pretty much already floating in the clouds.

Through out the rest of 2010 and the Spring of 2011 I continued to be plagued with increasing health problems, which I wanted to ignore.  I assumed that one day they would randomly disappear and I would be who I used to be.  Didn't happen.  As documented previously, I started a downward spiral of emotions, which caused me to turn strongly to the music of Jackson Browne, to listen carefully, to begin this blog, to eventually meet the man who wrote and performed the songs that I believe help me find my way in the world, and to eventually find the strength to leave my job of many years, trying to come to terms with the fact that I physically could no longer perform the job as I knew it needed to be done.

One year ago tomorrow, May 26, 2011, I left my job where I had worked for 17 years.  It is also the birthday of one of my favorite people in the world, who can't read but I am pretty sure knows how I feel.  Without this little person, and her family, and my family I don't know if I would have had to courage to move on, take care of myself, and begin to believe I could once again feel "Alive in the World".

I have documented my experience throughout this blog, my realizations, my feelings and thoughts as I taken this journey over the past twelve months.  This particular song, which I heard as I was driving around today, to me reminds me how far I have come.  I have forgiven myself for "failing" and developing health issues that forced my path to change.  I do want to live  in "the world", not behind a self created wall, or inside my head.  I do want to to take my chances, even though it may involve facing my fears. 

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world

With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world

To follow these words, in my life today, I can take the anniversary of the beginning of my new path in life and enjoy the changes. Feel, as I do, thankful that I am here Alive in the World.  Then continue moving forward, and take advantage of the "infinite power of change", and face my health issues head on, with out fear, and increase the time I have to "to open my eyes and fully arrive in the world". 

Thanks to everyone who has helped me this year, treating me with respect when I didn't respect myself, liking me when I was not incredibly likable, sharing your children with me and trusting me, when I wasn't sure if I would would ever feel that I was able to contribute to the world around me again.  Allowing me to recover, slowly and begin to take the next steps into my future life!  Teaching me to enjoy my life, each and every day.

Jackson Browne - Chicago - 2010

Thanks for helping me figure out how not to be "Running on Empty"

Anything Can Happen

I listen to the music of Jackson Browne every day.  (Surprised?  I bet not!)  Sometimes I just have it on in the car and it is playing in the background while my self talk in my head plays on and on.  Other times I listen, really listen to the words and find myself able to apply parts of songs to my life, or use those lyrics to find comfort and peace with my personal world. 

The lyrics of Jackson Browne songs can change my way of accepting the events of my life, and they can have the same effect on me as some people receive reading passages of the Bible. Listening to the same lyrics at different times can cause me to come to understanding different situations, in my one and only life.

When I am having a "serious" listening experience, I always, always, always, find myself once again amazed that many of the lyrics which can affect my life so deeply were written by a young man who was between the ages of 16-and early 20's.  His use of language, words, metaphors, etc. never ceases to amaze me. Couple that with the fact that some 40 years later he is still writing, and creating equally as profound lyrical contribution to the music world, and of course, my life!

Here are a few of my favorite Jackson Browne quotes which have made a major impact of my life and times:

I'm going back inside and turning out those light
And I'll be in the dark but you'll be out of sight

(This quote was on the outside of my dorm room one year in college, can't remember why!)

I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again

(as my generation has grown older, I find it amusing that an audience full of middle aged fans-who if they are middle aged will live to be 100 +-can't seem to wait to join in when Jackson gets to the line "Get it up again"! Does it make us feel young?)

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

(I have asked that the last line appear on my headstone)

It's a hotel at best, you're here as a guest
You oughta make yourself at home while you're waiting for the rest
(Looking Into You is my favorite song of all, and after visiting the Abbey En Encino I love the song even more.  The most incredible home I have seen.)

Baby if you need me
Like I know I need you
There's just one thing
I'll ask you to do
Take my hand and lead me
To the hole in your garden wall
And pull me through
 (love this song, just love it)

They shot a man into the sky
The moon and stars became his bed
He saw the sun rise seven times
And when he came back down he said

It is one, it is one
One world spinning 'round the sun
Wherever it is you call home
Whatever country you come from
It is one, it is one, it is one, it is one
(So true, so simple, so profound.  Why doesn't the world realize this fact and act accordingly)

We watch the days we make our plans
We change in ways a life demands
I'll always remember this time, this place
The hope in your voice, the light on your face
Because anything can happen

There are oh so many more fabulous quotes and one liners, which supply at least  me with hours of thought about the world we live in, the way I want to conduct my life, the way I do conduct my life (which is not always the same), what I want for my children, their children, and the all of the children of the world.

We have a choice how to use our time in this world, we can use it for self satisfaction, we can use it for that as well as helping others, and we can use it to insure that this planet is still there intact for future generations to enjoy! For me it is a daily struggle to do my best at all of the above.

Jackson Browne was at least once heard to say "of my cheerful material, there isn't much", or at a concert I heard him say "now that I've played that song (The Load Out) it's back to the darkness now".  I have also heard him say that despite the tone of his music he is actually a very happy person.

I used to joke about listening to his music; which has a tendency to not be extremely upbeat; on such a regular basis.  For awhile I stopped listening, thinking it might be unhealthy to take in such sadness, and I was having serious trouble dealing with the emotions which were arose as his songs brought the past into my present.  However, here is the truth.  I can't be a happy person until I deal with the parts of my life that are/were less than joyful.  Listening to these songs, helps me take those difficult events from my life, find a comfortable way to live with them, and move forward to enjoy the joy of my everyday life.  Also, being able to forgive myself for some of my past choices, which I am not  proud of, leaves more room for enjoyment of each day, and feel the gratitude of being able to enjoy them.

Thanks Jackson!

Lawyers, Guns and Money

Another Warren Zevon favorite of mine, although I prefer Jackson's version of the song! Since we are naming our new puppy after Warren Zevon I have been thinking about his music, his behavior as described in "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead! The Dirty Life and Times of Warren Zevon" and his obviously long term friendship he had with Jackson Browne. It's apparent in the book, that their friendship continued until the end of Warren's life, although there were long periods of separation while they followed their own paths.

I believe Jackson Browne takes the oath of friendship very seriously, and he displays this even today, by playing tribute to Warren by covering his songs in his concerts. This is two fold, they are great songs, and it helps make sure that Warren isn't forgotten.

Warren was certainly a fantastic musician and song writer. However, in his personal life he made many "mistakes", caused various people emotional and physical pain, despite how hard he tried to "get it together" he missed out on large parts of his loved ones lives, improving relationships ironically in time to find out he was terminally ill.

So, why do I and many others love Warren Zevon? His music, his performances, his "deeply disturbed" (which I totally appreciate) sense of humor? How could I make the choice to name a sweet innocent gentle puppy after Warren Zevon?

In the world of people there are many kinds of people. Two of those kinds are Jackson Brownes and Warren Zevons. Bruce Springsteen described them as Cain and Able.

Today, when pondering the name of the new puppy, after having to explain to someone who Warren Zevon was, and what songs he wrote, I had an epiphany. Although, I have always wanted to be a Jackson Browne, I am really a Warren Zevon! I want to be a save the world, everyone loves me, all around good person. A person who weighs decisions and choices carefully, considering the risks of their actions. A person who is comfortable in their belief system, who wouldn\'t become hurt or angry when the need to defend those beliefs arises. A person who when someone hears their name they reply, " she is such a great person". However, I am really a "say things at the wrong time", "can't always follow through", "afraid to do a lot of simple things", very insecure person. I certainly did not dish out the physical and emotional abuse which Warren Zevon did in his "bad" days. However, as hard as I have tried the past 55 years I have done many things I wish I could undo.

When Warren Zevon passed away, many, many friends and fans felt the loss. His musician friends created a tribute album by covering some of his "best" songs. These people were able to see the real Warren Zevon, the Person who he really was, when some of his unfortunate behavior was peeled away.

Send Lawyers, Guns and Money

The shit has hit the fan!

 I have always loved that line, as it somehow, maybe not literally but figuratively been an applicable statement to a variety of events in my life!
So, I've come to the conclusion that most of us aren't Jackson Brownes, nor Warren Zevons but lie somewhere in between.

I am proudly naming our puppy Warren Zevon,because in reality nobody is perfect. We will love our little "Werewolf of Champaign", when he howls in the backyard. When I find myself angry that he has chewed a hole in a sofa pillow, chewed up a shoe, and other acts of destruction, I will remind myself that I am not really a Jackson Browne but more of a Warren Zevon myself!

My Stunning Mystery Companion

The past twelve months have not been a great year for my family, when it comes to our pet population.  We have been blessed with cats and dogs who have been a part of our lives for the past 10-18 years.  My children grew up along side their pets and never imagined their lives with out their faithful friend.  I complained about the chaos, pet hair, who was going to feed them, and loved them with all of my heart. 

The back window of my car is decorated with Disney window stickers to represent our family.  There is a happy Disney Mom, Dad, Girl, Boy, as well as three Disney Cats, and two Disney Dogs.  All have smiling faces, to represent the happiest place on earth, and our family. 

To represent our family accurately today, I would need to get myself out to the back of my car and scrape off two cats, and a dog.  I haven't been able to bring myself to do that.  I also probably should remove the happy young Disney boy and girl, and replace them with "hopefully" happy Disney young adults and move them to the other side of the window to represent that our fabulous kids are now making their own lives and planning their own futures.  As is should be.....

This has been a time of adjustment, a time of change, which has not always been easy but with practice my new life has brought me much happiness, love, and joy.  I once again wake up and find myself happy to see what the day will bring, and content finding a different way to spend my time.  I have been learning to cook and bake.   I go to library again, I read.  I have begun an exercise plan to help me feel better on a daily basis. I watch really bad reality TV, as well as Anderson Cooper.

Still there was a lack of joy in the house.  The early spring, the warm weather, a trip with my husband to California, all were joyful, but frankly the nest is still empty, and emptying out more each day.  We currently still have Wrigley our 7 year old Bagel, which is a Beagle Basset Hound, and Lily the last of our cats, who just celebrated her 14th birthday!

So, it became apparent to me that to jump start the joy in our house, it was time to add new life, and that new life is the little guy above in the picture with my husband.  It is my "Stunning Mystery Companion", Warren (Zevon) the Puggle.

Warren is still with his mother, and will join us in about two weeks.  His mother will probably be overjoyed to have her nest emptied of her eight canine children.  Just meeting Warren brought excited, joyful conversation between our family members.  Waiting for the day he can join us at home is also exciting.  I bought him a cute little bed, and I know he will spend his first few days at his new home chewing his new bed to shreds, climbing on Wrigley, biting his tail, eating our shoes, etc., but looking at his cute little puggle face, who could stay mad?

What with all my expectations long abandoned
My solitary nature notwithstanding
You're the one who pulled me
Out of that crash landing
My stunning mystery companion

Right now I can't quite remember
The cause of all my tears
I hear you laughing and somehow
The past just disappears
Maybe you were joking when you said
You'd take me for ten years and no more
Maybe you've had the best of me
But you could take another ten years and be sure

Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that this song was written for a human, specifically Jackson's longtime girlfriend.  I however, read the words and thought of Warren the Puggle who is joining my family.  He is my stunning mystery companion!

Goodbye Nala

Goodbye Jack

Goodbye Chloe

You can never be replaced, and your love and loyalty will always be in our hearts!  I know you understand my need to open my heart to "My Stunning Mystery Companion"!

Warren Zevon - Keep Me In Your Heart

Keep Me in Your Heart For Awhile

My father passed away 21 years ago today.  While the crowds of 1991were consuming green beer, and for one day every one was Irish, he slipped away.  Always having been a man who enjoyed beer, I am sure he held no grudges on how other people were spending their day. 

I a  newly minted mother, proud of my three month old daughter, had slipped out to purchase hot dogs from my father's favorite place for the family at home.  When I returned, I received the news.  I have comforted myself with the idea that he needed to wait until his "baby" had left the house, to leave the house himself.  Sort of way my family operated, protect the baby, protect the weakest link, try to save them from pain.
Pain which, of course, no one can be protected from, and pain each person must experience unless they  chose to also give up the joy that love brings to life.

As "finally" a mother, I was not young, and although the family "baby", I was far from my babyhood, and already pretty skilled at storing loss and pain in the appropriate boxes,  away in my attic of memories too painful for me to want to take the lid off and examine.  I realized that day, that at 34 it was possible to still feel like an orphan, when both parents had passed away. 

My Dad left me with a lot of memories to fill the memory box in my heart.  Some great, some horrific, and some really, really funny.  He had a sense of humor and I developed that same dark sense of what can be considered funny.  He had a deep capacity to love, and to appreciate people, as they were, with what they brought to the table.  He had a great capacity to forgive others of their transgressions, and to try to understand where they were coming from, when they acted in a way he didn't understand.

He also provided me with my own personal set of fears, which I harbored from a young age.  He drank a lot, or was drunk a lot, and I cowered in the back seat when we would be driving home from places, fearful of being in an accident.  He was frequently unemployed, which left me with a fear of losing where we lived, and he certain, at least to me, seemed fragile, which left me without the feeling that he could take care of me, and my emotional needs.

All of that said, he was hysterically funny.  Loved to laugh, loved to joke.  He had three daughters, and I don't remember ever being told, that I should have been a boy.  He loved us, he loved my mother, he loved his grandchildren.  He told me my daughter, when he made the trip downstate to meet her for the first time, was the "prettiest baby ever", as I am sure he told my sisters about their children.  He believed that of all of them.  He, unlike me, had emotion.  I was often afraid, as his seemed to bubble up to the surface more than I was comfortable dealing with on a daily basis!  He was lucky to have those feelings, I now know.

My father, if he had heard his music, would have loved Warren Zevon.  My father loved music, mostly jazz.  However, Warren's dark humor would have been appreciated by my Dad.  I have chosen this song today, to honor my father, because of that feeling.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for while

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for while

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for while

These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for while

Keep me in your heart for while

Many times when I am doing something simple around the house, I think of my father, and I smile.  I am not angry at him for the bad memories, I have used those as a springboard for forgiveness, and a memory of feelings I don't want my children to carry around throughout their lives. 

My father's memory box was the first one I was able to open in my head, and sort through.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I finally could feel the feelings, and hold the good memories close to me. 

I hold him in my thoughts, I take him to my dreams, and I know he left me with out loving me any less.

Thanks Dad!