For a Dancer

For a Dancer, one of the Jackson Browne songs, known as a funeral song.  Somewhere I heard Jackson say that people often ask if there is an album of his that doesn't contain a song about people dying.  He replied that he is drawn to write about death, as it is one of the most difficult concepts for people to grasp, and so hard to understand.

 Into a dancer you have grown

From a seed somebody else has thrown

Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own

And somewhere between the time you arrive

And the time you go

May lie a reason you were alive

But you'll never know

Today is the anniversary of my Mother's death.  She was 54 when she died.  We shared a birth date.  I am 54, so I am exactly the age she was when she died.  I have an almost 21 year old daughter, and a 19 year old son.  I was 21 when my mother died.  I look at my children, and I am certain they are not yet ready to no longer be "mothered".  They are awesome young adults, and do a good job navigating the world they live in, but they still need their mother.  Although I didn't know it then, I am pretty sure I did too.

The quote above is one of my favorites Jackson Browne quotes.  There were several seeds that my mother threw that she never was able to meet, and know.  She was responsible for the birth of me, and my two older sisters, so she was therefore indirectly responsible for her grandchildren.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing Elizabeth, Naomi, Adam, Nick and Dan; my nieces and nephews into this world.  Thank you mom for your part in bringing the greatest gift I have ever to receive into this world, my children.  For without Katie and Andrew I would be nothing, they are my reason to exist, to pull my hair out in clumps, to laugh and to love.  They teach me patience, tolerance, and how to love on a daily basis.  They have taught me so much, opened my mind to understanding things which I would have never taken a chance at exploring, and they have taught me that my real dreams are not what I saw them becoming on the day they were born, but for their happiness and success in the life that they see for themselves!

Parenthood is probably not my greatest strength, but it is my greatest joy .  Mom, I am sorry you were robbed of that joy at such an early time, and that you could only imagine what was to become, and that you missed getting to know the fabulous people created by the seeds that you threw, and the reason you were alive.

Your absence in felt in your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren.  Thanks for the gift of life, I cherish it.

Werewolves of London

I recently purchased this item, and although I know that Jackson would remind me that it is plastic, which it is, however, it is NOT single use plastic, and it is BPA free.  I had discovered that while boycotting the use of the plastic bottle, I almost altogether stopped drinking water, as I don't like the taste of water in metal containers!  Yes, a bit of a Diva at that, but this product is better than a disposable water bottle.  So, Jackson please, cut me some slack!

I have made some shifts in my use of products, and reducing my carbon footprint.  Small, but changes none the less!  I use bar shampoo, so that saves a single use plastic bottle, recycle weekly, and I am trying to avoid purchasing items housed in materials which will end up in a landfill.

Today is the 4th of July!  Independence Day!  Funny, it's not a Holiday that I have found particularly enjoyable for the past decade or more.  I am not totally certain as to why, maybe because it means the summer is moving too fast, and usually work is right around the corner.  I am not really certain.  This year, I remind myself that this is not the mid point of summer, but that there is still plenty of time for me to enjoy the lazy days of summer! 

This week I send my daughter off to Australia to study abroad until the end of November.  Oh, how I will miss her, and oh, how lucky she is to have the experience!  I am so proud of her, and I am certain she will have a fabulous time!  I will have the opportunity to once again grow as a parent, as I did when she left for college two years ago, and I certainly want to still grow!  She has done a great job of cutting me loose slowly, but with a certainty that is necessary.  She is teaching me to find other portions of my life to focus my attention on, and to allow her to grow!  She also makes sure that I know that it doesn't count if it is her brother, who wouldn't be nice enough to gently shove me in another direction!

The other night I went out to dinner with friends who happen to be  members of the board of directors of my last place of employment.  I expected it to be a nice evening, and it was, however I still couldn't shake the feeling of nervousness, fear of saying the wrong things, or any other insecurities which I am still combating from the experiences of the past year.  I bring this event up because as we sat at ate, I suddenly heard the voice of Jackson emerging from the speakers.  There he was singing, one of my all time favorites, Sweet Baby Blues.  I immediately relaxed, as the odds of hearing Jackson Browne played at a place where the servers, managers, bartenders, etc. were not close to being old enough to know who he is, and choose his music.  I have always believed that these little oddities of life happen for a reason.  To me, Jackson's words are often what I need to calm down, to take stock of the reality of a situation, and to just smile spontaneously, which can cause a cascade of relaxation!

A few minutes more into dinner, I listened once again to hear a version of Werewolves of London!  I also love Warren Zevon, and his songs often just make me out and out laugh.  The odds of hearing both these songs in place full of young employees, lead me to believe it was one of those events, which happen for whatever reason, but are not accidental, they occur for me, because I need them too!

I'm Alive!

I have heard Jackson say that this song, I'm Alive, is a fun song to sing, and an exhilarating statement to make.  From his prospective it is the proclamation from a person that something in their life, which they thought would destroy them, hasn't, and they are still here, feeling better, and once again learning the  joys of living life to it's fullest.

I want to go where I will never hear your name
I want to lose my sorrow and be free again
And I know I've been insane
When I think of places I could have been

I am fairly certain that many, many, many people have experiences far more traumatic than I which vastly change their life, and force them to look at life options differently, and change their direction, as well as make plans for a life that they hadn't seen in their future.  Sometimes it is like me, just accepting what was going to be the inevitable, and learning to live with a plan thrust upon me.  The biggest challenge for me, is to actually really believe that things are changing, that I am not going to be doing what I have done daily for the past 20 plus years, and the feeling that does to my feelings of self worth.  What I did daily created my perception of my self worth as a person.  It made me who I was, more than anything else in my life, my job defined me.  With out it, I have no definition, the question where do you work, and what do you do there, was my description of myself. 

Knowing this, explains the difficulty I am having with the transition, from workaholic and receiving the praise from working so hard, to me....who ever that is....I am loving what I am doing each day, the people I am spending my time with, and the joy I am experiencing.  I will eventually, I assume, not need to receive the outside praise for being a workaholic, and recover from the damage I did to myself, not being able to figure out why I was spiraling out of control this past year, and the feelings of failure and loss.  I believe that I someday will forgive myself, and that I will trust myself that I am doing a good job on a daily basis, and making a positive impact on the people that I spend my days enjoying.  They are certainly making a positive impact on me, and helping me, with out being aware, heal my raw emotional state, a little bit each day.

What I have discovered over the past few weeks, is that I can start over, I can accept these changes, and I can find joy in activities that I haven't participated in for a long time.  I find myself wondering if people at the age of 54 can make a new life for themselves.  Can I make new friends, change the way I live, feel like a valuable human?  Well, I have no choice.  It is that, or continuing on the path of self destruction, and I don't want to make that choice.

Sometimes I pretend that I have moved to a new city, where no one knows me, which would leave me in the position of needing to make new friends, explore new hobbies, and find a place to feel comfortable with who I am, and present that person to others.  That gives me the freedom to leave the house, and work on a new life, with out fear of judgment of those who have judged me, and made decisions about who they thought I was, and whose opinions and judgments I, yes, I have allowed to hurt me, and damage me, and to incapacitate me.

I'm Alive!  Like many others who have experienced emotional damage due to circumstances of their lives, I have the opportunity to learn to find my self worth in a different way than in the past.  I can do things, and make changes that make ME happy, and make me feel good about myself, and gain my feelings of self worth from myself.

Sky Blue and Black

http://youtu.be/-BkNF-tOW_w

Sky Blue Sky Black

I hear the sound of the world where we played
And the far too simple beauty
Of the promises we made

I love this song, it is so incredibly beautiful, and the piano is fantastic.  I heard an interview where Jackson describes this song as a funeral for a relationship, which is doomed, already over in the start of the song, and obviously didn't go as planned.  What he says, is that like a funeral, where the life a person is celebrated, and their good attributes, and the fond things that each person carries in their heart for the deceased are what counts when all is said and done.  The same is true he says of a relationship of any kind that doesn't play out as planned or ends, despite all efforts to fix what is broken.

I see this in my life as I move forward, accepting the changing factors of my life.  Anger has no use in a persons life, or at least mine.  True anger, at least for me is not a motivator, it turns into the worse thing that anger can for me personally, depression.  Yes, the definition of depression is "anger turned inward", and it gets stuck, causing wasted energy on sadness, which could be used to enhance my life and move forward, exploring the opportunities which lie ahead, waiting to help me grow into a better person, and effect positive change on our world.

That depression has the power to take over my whole world, and multiplies endlessly over flowing into every tiny corner of my world, and I lose the joy in most anything, and then of course, find myself depressed about everything I am not getting done.

I look back over the past weeks....I am pleased to say that my whole family has jumped on the  recycling band wagon, which is good, or I would have dropped it, and then been mad that I did!  It goes out, and gets picked up and goes away.  My husband now patrols the garbage, looking for stray recyclable items, that have slipped through the process.

Everyone but (funny choice of words) has accepted the recycled toilet paper, wrapped in paper, not plastic.  She believes it is a purchase made by me, to make her stays with us as uncomfortable as possible!!

The cats are properly recycling their wet food cans, and the dogs are playing their part by consuming as many paper towels and garbage as they can, to help us get a jump on composting.

I often forget to bring my reusable shopping bags, but I promise to try my best to remember.  We use biodegradable trash bags, and I store leftovers in items that are not single use.  Most of us avoid the plastic bottle, and to make up for any mistakes I buy pens made of recycled water bottles.  We buy our milk in a carton, instead of plastic, and could really go to glass.

I use bar shampoo, but I am continually looking for something better than what I have, and I am currently researching trading in my car for a hybrid.  Save gas, save money, etc.

Each day, I miss so many opportunities to be green, and I guess the good thing is that I realized that I am making mistakes, and that I have more to learn.  Since I have the time to explore life these days, I will continue to do this, and share any good environmentally friendly finds I discover with others by way of this blog.

So, today I chose to take the words of Jackson Browne, and remember that the value of anger in my life is low, the secret to success is to remember the good, and maintain the the love and energy gained from that part of any situation and carry that with me, to look for what I want in the next phases of my life.



But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

Running On Empty

Last Friday night I went with my husband to see Jackson in Peoria, where we enjoyed our great seats, time together, and had the pleasure of connecting with each other while listening to the words and music which have such an incredible impact on my personal life, emotions, and help me gain perspective on my life.  As this school year comes to a close, and the beginnings of summer are starting to peak out behind the clouds of the winter, I was able to gain a different perspective of the past year, where I started, and where I am today.

First of all, as Oprah began her 25th and final year, the promotions for the show were all about this incredible final year, and how many people's dreams she was going to make come true.  There were several conversations centering around bucket lists, and for a lot of people attending the Oprah show was one of their bucket list activities.  I certainly wouldn't have minded attending the show, but I have to admit that I never really made any effort to get tickets, or really even looked into how to make that happen.  So, apparently, this wasn't really something that I wanted all that much. 

Anyway....my point is this:  At that point the top of my bucket list, the thing I wanted to do most, was to meet Jackson Browne.  To say thank you to the person who wrote the words and music, that as I have said many times before, that are contained in his songs, and my relationship with his songs are the longest relationship with anything that I have ever had in my life. 

Last summer I started to think about Oprah, wish granting, and the idea that she and other talk show hosts sometimes make individuals dreams come true.  I realized pretty quickly that although I wasn't a bad person, I still had all of my limbs, I wasn't raising 12 orphaned children, I hadn't saved a family from a natural disaster and made them part of my household, while they rebuilt their life.  In fact, I had so ignored my family that my cat had moved out and found another family...she has since returned...it took canned food, bribery and convincing the other family that I really wanted said cat to return home, but that at this point she was going to live at the house that had the best food, and then prove that by buying better food than theirs! 

If I wanted to meet Jackson Browne, it was going to be something that I would have to make happen, and that I was in control of fulfilling my bucket list.

So, in this past year, with the help of my family, that happened.  I met Jackson, and I was able to reunite with his music, by attending, let's say a few concerts in the past 9 months. 

This experience was empowering for me in many ways.  I was really able to listen to his music, frequently, and with intense introspection into my life, where i was when I first heard certain songs, why those songs bring up certain emotions, and why I behaved as if I was spontaneously generated at the age of 35! 

I was able to look forward to what I may want to accomplish in my future, what changes I wanted to make in the way that I live, and what I felt was important.  I was able to connect with my daughter in a really meaningful way, through music, and concert attendance which allowed us to spend hours together getting to know each other as adults.  Also to spend hours laughing over things we did on our adventures which allowed me to feel young, and her to feel spontaneous and adventuresome.

As the month of May comes to a close, I may not know what is going to come next in my daily life, but I do know that even through difficult times, what I have learned about myself and others has enhanced my life in a dramatic way. 

This summer I am planning on moving forward on my quest to shrink my carbon foot print, learn the art of composting (my husband is actually excited about this), and just being more environmentally friendly.  I can see where that takes me, and what happens next.  I know if I remain open to learning from those around me, and listen to what my emotions are telling me, I will continue to learn and grow and become a better person. I think that is a pretty good goal for the coming months!

Every one I know, every where I go
People need some reason to believe.....

Running on empty, running blind
Running into the sun, but I'm running behind....

I am looking forward to slowing down, catching up, and enjoying every sandwich!

Jackson Browne, Sleep's Dark And Silent Gate, 4-19-08

Sleeps Dark and Silent Night

I've been home sick for few days, so I have been doing a lot of looking at the world of "Greener Living" blogs,  the plastic pollution coalition, and trying to take in what I have been learning.



This is a picture of all of the plastic that was found in a juvenile sea turtle off the cost of Argentina.  Poor dude!  The less we use, the less chance of things like this continuing to occur.

I also found that in some places in Hawaii they have banned the plastic bag.  People bring a reusable shopping bag, or they can purchase paper bag with out handles.  

Sea World in San Diego is also banning the plastic bag from their shops and restaurants.  While other cities are doing events such as non plastic Wednesdays, or another single day during the week.  This promotes some thought for consumers, which may alert them to changing their way of thinking and what choices are made on a daily basis.

Things I have learned through trial and error.  The powdered laundry soap, housed in a box works great!  My clothes have never looked cleaner, I love it!  Still questionable on the bar shampoo, not totally satisfied with the results of any that I have chosen.  Love the produce bags, and my reusable shopping bags, they are really strong, and work well for schlepping anything, not just groceries.

Love the refillable soap dispensers, my husband, not so much!  Biodegradable trash bags have mixed results.  The Green Genius are great, and reasonably priced.  The next kind I bought, I discovered didn't have a tie on the top, so when my husband asked me what was with the current kitchen trash bag, I replied, "they are won't buy agains!"

While my husband is continuing his running, staying young by challenging himself to be healthier and active.  I will continue to go forward in my quest to learn how to better our environment, slowly, but learning and researching each step of the way.

I do not see an electric car in my near future, but maybe a hybrid....a used hybrid!

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder
Where my life will lead me
Waiting to pass under Sleep's dark and silent gate

 

I really like this passage of Sleeps Dark and Silent Night.  It of course is out of context, but that is what is so special about using music to inspire and understand oneself.  One can take the smallest portion of a song, and use it out of context, for a totally different purpose. 

 

To me, out of context, it means just what it says.  While lying in bed waiting for sleep, we have the time and ability to imagine what is going to come next.  After all no one really knows, life takes many twists and turns, and it is what we do with those that really counts.  Every twist is a learning experience, and every turn is a new opportunity. 

 

Life is really an incredible journey!

 

 

Jackson Browne - Poor Poor Pitiful Me

Poor, Poor Pitiful Me

This is Howdy!  He came to live at work last year, when he was donated to our garage sale.  Weeks before the sale various people were already trying to buy him, and for some reason we couldn't part with him, and he is a permanent resident at our school.  He has traveled on various vacations with some of the kids and their families.  He has had sun screen applied, lipstick, and has had many a pretend meal made for him to eat.  He has even be given a mail order wife, Howdita, to keep him company.

Howdy at Myrtle Beach, hoping to not get caught in the condo!

Howdy and Howdita enjoy a tasty meal!

The other day I walked into work on my way out of town to drop a few things off, and there was a group of kids playing in the large motor room, and on one of the mats, on his side, looking a bit dirtier than I remember, and a little deflated, was Howdy.  I realized that I had forgotten about him, and hadn't known where he had been living the past few months, and even if he was still around. 

My mind wandered back a year ago, when he joined our staff, became an important member of our school, and a cow who everyone loved, young and not so young.  How could I have forgotten him?  His mail order bride is safely stored upstairs, while Howdy takes the brunt of the "love" from the kids. 

At this point I realized that it is time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I too feel that I have been forgotten, and that I am a bit dirtier, and definitely deflated!  It is time for me to move on with a positive attitude, which will be the ticket to any successful change and transition occurring in my life, I get to choose what happens next.  I am pretty lucky.  I have options, I have a husband, kids, dogs, cats, and Howdita to help me begin my next journey in life.  I realized that Howdy wasn't really forgotten, maybe by me, but he had taken up residence is a classroom, living a spectacular life of love and interaction with the children in the class, getting bounced on, hugs, and kisses.  He may be older, but his life is good. He has yet to be put out to pasture!

I'd lay my head on the railroad tracks
And wait for the Double "E"
But the railroad don't run no more
Poor, poor pitiful me

I chose this song, which is really a Warren Zevon song, covered by Jackson, because it always makes me laugh.  When I feel like a failure there is humor, however, twisted, in the idea that one could be so unlucky that they couldn't even successfully end their life, choosing a railroad track that doesn't have a train!  It often helps for me to journey in my head to the point of total ridiculousness to see reality, and jump back and join the world again.  It also brings me back to my son, who loved every song with the word train in it, and didn't have to know or care what it was really about!

My daughter and I saw Jackson Browne on Thursday night.  He was really good, and as usual I liked hearing him sing, and talk about his life.  He always reminds me that I still have time to do lots of different things in my life!  We had never been to Grand Rapids before so we drove downtown to find the venue, to see how long it would take, and where to park, etc.  My daughter, who was born with the ability to spellcheck anything on the fly, quickly says that his name is spelled wrong on the marquee!  Sure enough, check it out!  When your last name is LaPointe, those silent vowels are imperative!  So we rounded the corner of the theater, and low and behold there is the bus!

On the windshield of the bus, is the parking permit, with the name Browne correctly spelled!  



Being a preschool teacher, I had a sharpie, note card, and scotch tape in the car!  We attached a note to the window which said:

Mr. Browne:  Your name is spelled incorrectly on the marquee.  It says Brown, not Browne. 

From the LaPointes not LaPoints!

When we returned for the show the marquee had been corrected, with the happy e in it's proper place.  I'd like to believe we had something to do with the correction which occurred, but even if we didn't, we sure had fun writing the note, and taping it to the bus.  I love going places with my daughter, she makes me feel young, she is really enjoyable, and she has a fabulous sense of humor.  I brings me back to the days, when I would have left a note on the bands, bus.....oh.....I guess I still would.

Now for some reflections on my plastic free, environmentally friendly life I am trying my best to live, or learn to live.  I learned something at this concert, regarding this quest.  I was trying my best to take these new ways of living into all aspects of my life, and for everything that I purchase, even if it wasn't for me.  Although, I enjoyed taking my quest for new habits to that length, I realized at the concert, even Jackson Browne himself doesn't do that!

What do I mean???  The bar and snack area outside the theater, was a virtual shrine to single use plastic.  There were tiny, and I mean tiny, wine glasses, single use plastic.  No one individual could consume only one, they were at most 1.5 ounces, and not reusable, water bottles, soft drinks poured out of 2 L plastic bottles, plastic lids on the cups, straws, larger plastic cups for mixed drinks.  The only non plastic item were the aluminum beer bottles!  So much for a plastic free tour!

My point is, that Jackson and his crew don't use single use plastic, however, he still performs at a venue that is using single use plastic, and going out of the way to use as much as possible, not just when necessary for safety!

What does this mean?  Even Jackson Browne has to make a living, and he does that by singing, so, he performs in venues which use single use plastic, rather freely!  Therefore, it is not necessary for me to carry my quest of the lines of my personal life, unless I am asked to!  I guess, that won't make me a hypocrite....It is a process of attraction, not promotion.





Teach your Children

Teach Your Children

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your
dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.

This is my daughter, Katie, on her first Christmas, way back in 1991.  Seems like yesterday, and seems like a life time away at the same time!  When Katie was first interested in music, and coming into her own as a pre-teen, among other favorites she developed a strong affinity for country music. I found myself at a crossroads, I had NO, and I repeat, NO interest what so ever in that genre of music.  I have to admit it that I never really listened to it, nor did I think of this as something I would ever take the time to try out.

I wanted to continue to understand my children, and I wanted to be able to continue to relate to them, so I took the leap.  I took her to a Kenny Chesney concert, and after wondering how he actually got into his pants, I realized that I did know some of the songs.  I also realized that he put on quite a show, unlike Jackson who as Bruce Springsteen describes it, stands in his t-shirt and baggie jeans and pours it heart out on stage.  Besides Elton John and his changing costumes, in the 70's, it was the most choreographed concert I had ever seen.

Soon, because I respected the likes and dislikes of my young daughter, and was willing to step into her world, I discovered that I liked country music, not just when I was with my daughter.  I let her teach me something new. 

In many ways the trip I am on over these few days, is probably similar to my wanting to connect with Katie, through the music that she enjoys.  This is her turn to connect to me, her mother, with the music I enjoy.  Since I am someone who shares memories of my younger years in very limited quantities, Jackson is the one who can allow me to open those boxes, which are often sealed tight, and awaken a story, which allows others to get a glimpse of where I came from.  Something I think my children are curious about.  I really believe she likes and appreciates Jackson's songwriting talent, and his way of writing every one's life, while documenting his own.  She never seems uncomfortable being the youngest person in the seats.  I am so happy that she has chosen to spend this time with me. 

I am finding that these trips, are journeys, times when we can spend time together, talking, laughing, sharing, and getting to know each other on a real level.  Last night after dinner, the bill was paid, the food was gone, and I realized we were still sitting at the restaurant table, talking, in no hurry to leave.  We were acting like friends!

I am excited to continue on this new journey with my daughter, sharing time, sharing stories, and continuing to learn and appreciate the incredible individual she has become, while still getting the privilege of being her mother.


 



Jackson Browne - Looking Into You - 1974

Looking Into You

I am excited to say that I am finding more and more Earth Friendly products to purchase, for home and for work, and that it is becoming easier to make a "green" choice, each day.  I am finding that I am thinking before I select a product, and if I find myself really not wanting to make another stop to purchase a "better" choice in a product, I feel it, it tugs at my brain, telling me that this is not really what I want to buy.  It is as if, I can feel my self learning to change, or becoming more conscious of my decisions, and if I make one just to simplify my life, I can feel it.  It doesn't feel good, as if I am letting someone down, and trust me, I is not Jackson, it is myself!  I hate it when I give up on a quest.
So above you can see that I located recycled toilet paper, wrapped in paper!  Which certainly makes more sense to me, than being wrapped in plastic!  I could not find paper towels that are wrapped in paper as of yet, but I am purchasing recycled paper towels, and diaper wipes for work, and it really does excite me!  The sad thing is I am not kidding!

Above is the new bar shampoo that I has finally arrived, it is from Apple Valley Natual Soap, and it is definately an improvement over the hemp variety.  The two flavors that I purchased are Marshmallow, and a Berry blend.  I used the Berry this morning and it rocked!  I didn't feel as if my hair was going to crack off, even once today!  Tomorrow I can use the Marshmallow and then have a Smore poptart for breakfast, and I can feel like I am a girl scout, maybe I can use my plarn to make a sit a pon!

See. That could definately be made of plarn, and after yesterday I have enough plarn to make sit a pons for every girl scout in East Central Illinois!

Wait, I hear you say, I thought the whole green thing was becoming easier, more natural, and you were consciously making better choices??  Well, yes, that is all true, but there was this one little issue yesterday.......

I went to the store and did some shopping, look at the "green chlorox anti bacterial wipes", that I purchased!  I did some other shopping, cat food in cans, not plastic, a few other green cleaning products.  I arrived at the check out counter, and realized that I left my awesome reusable shopping bags in the car!  Now, sitting here right now, I know that I could have parked my cart, ran out to the car, and retrieved my bags, and then made my purchase.  It wouldn't have taken five extra minutes. 

Well, I didn't do that.  I thought to my self, self you don't have that much stuff, it won't be that bad....just pay and leave.  I wasn't feeling the greatest about forgetting the bags, and I assured myself that I would reuse the plastic bag which would house these items, or create a collage with my dogs of all my plastic mistakes over the past few weeks, and hang it in the living room.  So, as I am paying, the cashier starts telling me that they are out of medium sized bags.....and frankly I am not really listening, so I go to grab my ecofriendly purchases and this is what I see:

This picture doesn't do this bag justice.  It is draped over my stove, and takes up the whole front of the stove.  It is big enough to house a three year old child!  So if I had any hope of sneaking out of the store with out anyone who I might run into, not noticing my plastic bag, it was gone!  I think this could be recycled into a tent, with that an my new sit a pon, I could become a scout leader!

The title of this entry, Looking Into You, is my favorite Jackson Browne song from the early days.  I know I have many favorite songs of his, but this one is really one I love, and one that I haven't heard him sing in person for many, many years, if at all.  I did notice that he has been singing it occasionally on his current tour, which is exciting. 

 

 And I looked into the faces all passing by
It's an ocean that will never be filled
And the house that grows older and finally crumbles

That even love cannot rebuild
It's a hotel at best, you're here as a guest
You oughta make yourself at home while you're waiting for the rest

I know what this song is written about, or what I have heard Jackson say this song is about, however, as I have said, to me it is about what I think about when hearing his words, that influences me, and my life.  The same song can mean different things to me at different times in my life, and help me work through a variety of situations.

Today the message that I am taking away from this fabulous song, is about the challenge of moving on, and making changes.  In many ways life is a hotel, and we are all guests, with an unkown amount of time to spend and make our mark in the world.  Each stage of life can be seen as a hotel, on the very individualized trip we call "our life", and as we travel through the decades, we find ourselves needing to change our hotels either through choice, or necessity, sometimes due to situations out of our control, sometimes due to the evolution of our family, and the eventual ability of each family member to be responsible for their own lives and the paths that they eventually choose to follow. 

It is not always an easy thing to do, but it is part of the cradle to hearse experience! (to steal a line from Jackson)

Tomorrow I am going to pick my daughter up in Chicago and we are heading to Grand Rapids to see Jackson Browne, himself.  So, if anyone out there has an pipe line to Jackson, I would really like to hear Looking into You!

 



Tender is the Night

 



Happy Birthday to my "baby" Andrew.  He is 19 today!  Andrew spent most of his time infancy through preschool and beyond learning about the world while playing with trains.  We knew that he knew his colors, because he could identify the various Shining Time Station trains.  The same with his numbers, the concepts of sequencing items from smallest to largest, and his letter recognition, all was based on Thomas and his friends. I knew he didn't have a hearing problem, because he could hear the word train, in a crowd of hundreds, when whispered!  He could tell someone how a steam engine worked, prior to being able to ask for a cup of juice, he was obsessed.  Since he was my child, his obsessions didn't bother me, I totally understood.

Since conception Andrew listened to Jackson Browne, it's not like he and his sister had much choice, especially while in the womb.  However, soon Andrew had a favorite song, Tender is the Night.  Andrew was certain this song was a about a train tender in the night.  So although before the birth of Andrew,  this song conjured up an vague memory( and I mean vague, the 80's are somewhat a lost decade for me) of an MTV video with Jackson walking down the street, and ending up entering a home, and ending up in bed with some attractive woman.  After the birth of Andrew, in my mind the tenderness in the night was the beauty of holding my "baby" Andrew and rocking him before bed, while he fell asleep dreaming of engines pulling into the station for the night.  Those days have been gone for years, but when I hear that song, I always smile, and thinking happily of Andrew as a baby!

When Andrew was four I was able to take him to McCormick Place to see Jackson Browne.  Just he and I, he was so excited.  It was a political rally, so there were a variety of performers, and speakers, and there was no assigned seating.  There we sat, not far fom the stage,  him snuggled on my lap, watching Jackson.  I was seeing an old friend, he was meeting a new friend.

While he patiently waited to hear his train song, and I tried to explain that Jackson wasn't going to sing train songs at this event. Andrew being persistant, would not accept that there would not be a train song. Then Bonnie Raitt joined Jackson on stage, they began singing together and the following words were heard:

There's a train every day leaving either way

There's a world you know, there's a way to go

And you'll soon be gone, that's just as well

This is my opening farewell

Andrew was so excited!  Jackson had produced a train song just for him!  If we could have added a rendition of Midnight Train to Georgia, and Chattanooga Choo Choo, it would have been a grand slam!

Day two of taking better care of our planet:

This is a bit more difficult than I anticipated.  I entered the shower this morning and there were 5 single use plastic containers. I fed the cats, their favorite wet food which is housed in a single use plastic container, I picked the newspaper off the front step, and tossed it enclosed in it's plastic bag on to the hallway floor.  I picked up my new travel cup, and removed it from it's plastic box, and then pealed the styrofoam off the bottom and washed it to start my day of using less plastic!

Once at my office, I needed a pen, so I reached for the new pens which are made of out of recycled water bottles, and had to unwrap them from the plastic cover they were secured in!  I am sure by now you get my point!

Things I have done to work towards being more Earth friendly today:

1. Purchased my meat for dinner at the meat counter, so it would be wrapped in paper.
2. Purchased laundry detergent in a box.  Felt like I was moving backward in time purchasing flakes instead of liquid.
3. Didn't purchase Andrew cupcakes or a cake, as they were all housed in plastic.  Am I going to have to learn to bake?
4. Used my eco friendly cup.
5. Prepared my pepsi cans for recycling.
6. Bought cat food in aluminum cans.

 Things that didn't go as well as expected:

1.  Left reusable bags in the car again.
2.  Spent 45 minutes in the store trying to be Earth friendly, then purchased it all, and bagged it in a plastic bag with out thinking that might not be correct!

Things I need to research:

1.  Bar shampoo
2. Bar conditioner
3. What am I supposed to do about toothpaste?
4. Refillable soap dispensers
5.  Dog chewy's in bulk, so they are not wrapped in plastic
6. Revisit the cheese cube issue
7. Must we say goodbye to gogurt!
8. What besides a plastic bottle, can the pharmacy put medication in?

Please let me know if anyone has any suggestions regarding these topics or any other ways to reduce my use of single use plastic.

I will spend the rest of the day counting the hundreds of items in my home, that are housed in single use plastic.  I heard yesterday that it is possible to make pot holders out of plastic grocery bags....maybe that will become my new hobby!



Jackson Browne--The Pretender--Seattle-2008-09-29

The Pretender

Say a prayer for the pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender

Halloween 1992

This is my family........when I was young and strong..........

This is my family now, and why I won't surrender!  They are the reason that it is time to change the way I live, even if it is a slow process.  I want them to be proud of me.  I want them to think of me as someone who can grow and change, and someone who can continue to learn new things. I am pretty sure that I still have the responsibility to act as a parent, even though they are growing older, and I hope that now we can take turns teaching each other new ways to live.

I am happy to say that the RECYCLING was picked up this week, and we successfully cut down on our amount of trash this week.  Another one of my goals along with being more environmentally friendly, is to cut down on the amount of "stuff" we seem to feel the need to collect in our house.  In our house is appears that once there is more than one of an item in someones possession, suddenly we are collecting, , and we need to have the more!  Then they collect dust in a corner, or a closet, or in the mother of all storage units, our garage! 

So, I have been taking my biodegradable trash bags and filling them with items to donate, and some that are becoming "extra" trash, but this is a one time event, to further enhance my living situation....even Jackson Browne would probably understand the need to down size once in a while.  I bet he doesn't have his children's dress up clothes in the "toy closet", and the "art box" from middle school, as well as a large tub of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head and the Tots...those are mine, and I plan on keeping all 200 pieces....

In reality I think that actually removing some of this "stuff" from the house in a step in moving forward to my next phase of life, the phase with out young children in the house.  Keeping play dough in the closet somehow made me feel that I didn't have to move on, that those days of kids in the house, play dates, swim meets, star wars guys and electric trains would come back.  If I waited for those days to return, then I wouldn't have to face the fact that it is time to move forward.

As my son went off to college this fall, and my daughter started planning to study abroad this summer, I found myself looking around my life.  I saw a Beagle who is looking old, not even older, but old.  A Bagel (Beagle/Basset) who is middle aged, three ancient cats, and two adults in their 50's, wondering what to do next.

My husband trying to reclaim his youth, began working out.  He spends hours swimming, rowing, and now running on campus, and I believe it is partially because he wants to pretend he is a college student.  However, he looks fantastic, is in great shape, and is running a 5k tomorrow, so it seems to work for him!  He is refusing to give up and get old, and I am proud of him.  Now, he is older than I, so he has had a few extra years to work through this feeling old stuff, so I am sure I will catch up, and figure it all out myself!

Maybe I can form a relationship with environmentally friendly living, similar to my husband;s relationship with swimming, rowing, and running.  Using my car less will help me get in better shape.  Once I am in better shape, I can drag more stuff to be recycled! 

 I realized that I am the same age as my mother was when she died, so I didn't have a mother to watch grow older, and see how that whole process works. So as my husband and I took on parenting with out our parents, we will take on growing old with style!  He will be in good shape, and I will help the earth become in better shape!

If I can continue to grow, change, learn and teach, then I guess I don't have to worry too much about becoming the Pretender. I need to remember that I have basic ideas of what I believe is important, and I still can make an impact in those areas, and also make an impact on areas I have yet to explore. I need to shake off the image that I am too old, to change, or to teach, a job which the energy of youth makes far easier, not to mention parents and children appreciate seeing a young, energetic teacher in their child's classroom, it's natures way!

To help become greener this week I joined several green websites, and their mailing groups.  I continue to wait for my "hopefully" more gentle bar shampoo to arrive.  I am using "green" trash bags, using my reusable shopping bags, walking to work when possible, recycling items when appropriate, and most of all, starting over again when I slide down into "waste land"!

JACKSON BROWNE - ABOUT MY IMAGINATION [LIVE] 2008

About My Imagination

Hello, my name is Mimi, and I am a trash-a-holic.  I find living in the world of no single use plastic unmanageable, and it is bringing me feelings of shame and doubt!

I had a complete and utter plastic consumption disaster yesterday.  It was like every single use plastic product was chasing me through the city, and tempting me to use them, purchase them, jumping into my shopping cart, ending up in the seat next to me in my car, and emptying their product on my hair in the shower, and doing the shampoo, rinse, repeat, with out my permission.  I was out of control.  I ended the day with 7 single use plastic shopping bags, two empty single serve plastic milk bottles.  I found myself in my office rolling up the plastic shopping bags, and stuffing them into a file cabinet so no one would see them! 

This was a full blown relapse....I even purchased hostess cupcakes, which are not only packaged in plastic, I believe they are made out of plastic, and I consumed them along with my gas station drink in a lovely plastic disposable cup, straw included.  One plastic item is too many, and one thousand is never enough!

So, to attempt to get it together today, I said the serenity prayer, then started over again today, trying to stay focused, and plastic free.  I spent much of the morning moving things from our work storage unit across town, to our storage shed in our parking lot.  I figured some manual labor, might get be back where I should be in the world of my "new way of living". 

I am still waiting for the recycled bulk box of dog bones to arrive, and I hope it does before we run out, because it seems that if I end up having to buy the bones in plastic, I might go over the edge, and get them individually wrapped, then encased in more plastic and tied with a zip tie!

About my imagination
I'm making this investigation into my imagination
According to my computations
We're overdue for a transformation
Or is it my imagination?

This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is teaching me about myself, and how I operate.  I am a perfectionist, which could surprise a few people.  I am a control freak, I bet that's even more surprising.  So, if I can't do something perfect, I sabotage myself, then I feel like a failure and look like I can't function or don't know how to do something.  It becomes my excuse, and eventually it becomes who I am.  I can't cook, I can't bake, and whether that is true or not, it is what I have always said, every since I forgot to put the sugar in the cake I was making for 7th grade home ec!  I am not artsy or creative, but them one day I was assigned to make a poster for my daughters high school swim team, and I realized that I actually enjoy scrap booking and making storyboards, and they become an obsession, I can't stop until I am completely happy with the product.  I stumbled on the swim team posters a few weeks ago, and now that I am almost 4 years removed from them, and more of an observer of the work, it is really pretty good, I really like it!

So, I think to move forward, I need to use my imagination, and picture the world I want to live in, and try to remain in that picture, until I don't want to run and hide, because I am sure I can't do it.  Maybe through my imagination, I can make changes by forming a positive feeling of the image of me, the woman with the largest carbon foot print, watching it shrink daily, slowly but surely.

Three days ago, I prepared myself to make chocolate chip muffins, so I wouldn't buy treats in plastic, but the I can't bake image has stopped me.  On my kitchen counter for three days, the cupcake pan with paper liners sitting in their spots, waiting for me to mix, stir, pour and bake....I am currently imagining myself, mix, stir, crack the eggs, and bake. 

I hope the vision becomes a reality!



Jackson Browne "All Good Things" Live Acoustic, Haiti Benefit Room 5, LA...

All Good Things



Now, this is an interesting re-use of a plastic bottle!  Something tells me that the little  guy wishes that his owner would use aluminum cans, or purchase drinks in glass, so he wouldn't have to wear that outfit! 

"A vast swath of the Pacific, twice the size of Texas, is full of a plastic stew that is entering the food chain..."

It is pictures like this that helped me decide it is my responsibility to work harder to be more environmentally friendly.  The more disturbing picture of the birds, turtles, etc. who have died due to ingesting the trash in the Ocean, or have grown up deformed because plastic rings, or bags, had become tied around them, and they were forced to live and grow with these items stuck to them.  I do believe that we, the human race, are responsible for preserving the habitat's and lives of all endangered creatures.

We are a family who loves turtles.  My daughter and husband traveled to Costa Rica to participate in saving the Sea Turtles by protecting their eggs, and helping the hatchlings make their way to the ocean.  How can I support that, and then throw away who knows how many plastic bottles, which could end up on a barge and dumped into the ocean.  On the simplest level, why would we have paid money to save those turtles, then chose not to participate in activities which would protect the environment which we helped them migrate too???

That brings up a thought for life...I need to make more connections with my life events, and my day to living decisions. Example, besides the turtles, several years ago my husband changed out light bulbs to more energy efficient bulbs.  He was all pumped up about saving money, and I was all frazzled because when I walked into a room and switched on a light, it still seemed dark, as it takes longer to for the lights to shine as brightly.  But here is a little factoid, "If every American home changed just five regular light fixtures or bulbs with in them with more energy efficient compact fluorescent ones, we'd keep more than one trillion pounds of green house gasses out of the air-equal to the emissions of eight million cars".  So, I guess  I can deal with waiting to "let there be light" for a few minutes.

So, what I am finding is that there is so much green information out there, that to me it seems incredibly overwhelming.  Where do I start, what should I do, trade in the car, or merely work on eliminating single use plastics for awhile, then pick a new task.  Should I look at the grand scheme of how I live, and make changes after that inventory, or will the fact that my carbon foot print is the size of Texas, force me, like the Sea Turtle, to put my head back in my shell for another 10 years?

All good things got to come to an end
The thrills have to fade
Before they come 'round again
The bills will be paid
And the pleasure will mend
All good things got to come to an end

Looking at this verse from All Good Things, and applying it to my new journeys in life, what ever they may be, from recycling to employment, to living as an empty nester, I find myself thinking several different things.

One, no matter what the good things are in my life currently, or the comfortable things in my life, those have to go, so once again I can learn to appreciate and enjoy the next good thing my life is going to hand me.  So, as silly as it is, I have to work through the changes, even if it is just thinking about the environment before I act, and try to make the best possible choice for more reasons than convience, or because it difficult for me to change.  Then one day when I least expecting it, those good things, will come around again.  There I will be not second guessing all of my decisions once again, confident, and relaxed!

So, I have to let go of some things, to get what I am looking for, to change my life!


This may look like an Island that I am thinking of running off to live on, and to spend my time figuring out what my next step will be, but it is not....It is an entire Island made of plastic bottles, off the coast of Mexico.  250,000 plastic bottles were used to create Spiral Island.  The structure of the Island is made out of bamboo and plywood.  Wow, the best part is that there is a two story house, solar oven, and a SELF-COMPOSTING TOILET!!!

So, if anyone thinks I may be going to far, trust me, I will never, and I mean never, use anything called a SELF-COMPOSTING toilet, trust me!  Even if I evolve into Jackson Browne himself, there will be no toilets that involve any form of composting for me to sit on , anywhere in my life!



Jackson Browne - Take It Easy

Take it Easy

These are my produce bags!  They are full of produce!  Each held over 10 pieces of fruit.  I also used my pretty reusable bags when I purchased the groceries for work, and for myself.  It really did feel good to be kinder to the Earth.  Tonight at dinner I suggested that I should change the name of this blog to "It's Not Easy Being  Green!"  At least for me!

FYI, when I write this blog, I find myself sorting through, and trying to make sense of the things in my life that cause me pain.  However, in other areas of my life, I am actually very happy.  Frustration in one area of my life, doesn't make unhappiness in all of my life.  I have a great husband, although he needs to stop bringing home those plastic bags, or learn how to crochet, two fabulous children, and although most of my favorite people are under 40 inches tall, they are the best! 

Jackson Browne was once quoted as saying "of my truly cheerful material, well, there isn't much", and then going on to explain that he is really a very happy person, but those aren't the things he often writes about.  I assume it's because it is those situations which cause us discomfort or pain, that we take the time to analyze, and examine.  That is the way to understanding, and to finally release the painful feeling.

Lighten up while you still can

Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
and take it easy

I have chosen this song for this entry for several reasons.  First of all, not everyone knows that Jackson Browne wrote this song, the Eagles made it famous, and who people think about when they hear this song on an oldies radio station!  Back in the last 1960's and early 1970's there was a group of musicians who hung out together, wrote songs, played them for each other, recorded their own songs, each other's songs, played on each other's records, and helped each other find the path to success.  It was a long time ago, but some of these names should sound familiar, and many have been inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, some more than once.  More than once?  Yes as an individual and as a member of a group.  Musicians such as Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young; Linda Ronstadt, Joni Mitchell, The Eagles, JD Souther, even Elton John and Bruce Springsteen, could be counted among some of these fabulous musicians, as well as, of course, Jackson Browne.

As each became more successful, they would have the others go on tour as the opener, introduce them to people in the industry, etc.  My point is that these musicians, while trying to become successful, and well known, and make a good living, were not afraid to support their friends, promote their friends, and help their friends find the correct door to success.

They did not feel that the success of someone else, would somehow diminish their success, or that the success of someone else, would make their success less of a positive event.  Why, I often ask myself, can't people have this attitude more frequently, even on a small level.  Why when people see someone struggling, do people not automatically want to help?  I'm not talking about total strangers, although that would be awesome also, I am talking about people who are watching someone they know struggle, and then continue to watch as the walls come tumbling down!

Last week, someone who I totally respect, and care about, and value their opinion, more than most, told me that to get help from people, one has to ask!  That is a simple, well put statement, but I wasn't talking about, the idea that one needs to tell people what they need, as it isn't always obvious.  I was talking at this time, about an obvious situation, where anyone with any vision could see that help was needed.  I would be a happier person all around if I knew that one needed to ask for help, to receive help!

To me this is a major stumbling block in our daily interactions with people whom we know, and who we have relationships with, personal, or professional.  In my mind if I am aware that someone is struggling, I am part of the problem, if I don't try to be part of the solution.  Again, I don't mean I can solve someones problems, but if I know they are struggling, and I don't at least try to find out what is happening, and if there is a way to help, or find a person to help, than I have added to their problem.  If I keep my blinders on, and take care of my own life, things are simpler, I'll have more time, but how will I be able to enjoy those extra minutes!  Some would say, with pleasure!  I can't. 

So, tonight, I will take Jackson's advice and "take it easy".  I'll wait for my bulk dog bones to show up, in their recyclable box, my bar shampoo which will hopefully be nicer to my hair, order some more shopping bags, make plarn, and try to find a way to recycle dog hair from my Beagle/Basset!

By the way....when I was younger, I though the words to Take it Easy, involved a "flat red ford", no one where I grew up drove pick up trucks, or flat bed Fords!